- Alcohol
2,117. Writing that number causes elation, surprise and a great deal of other emotions. That is how many days it has been since I have had a sip of alcohol. I have now been sober for longer than I drank. I was mainly a college drinker, so I spent approximately four and a half years drinking and I now am on the edge of having six years sober.
During my freshman year of college, I discovered that I was a blank slate. I didn’t have to be who I had been up to that point and could break out of my shell. Unfortunately, I began to feel reliant on alcohol to help me do so instead of relying on myself. This put me in unhealthy situations. One particular circumstance sent me down an even more destructive path than I had begun. Throughout college, I continued to self-medicate to forget the damage I was dealing with. It got to the point that it didn’t matter if I had two drinks or twelve, I couldn’t remember ANYTHING. It was mission accomplished because I wanted to forget the pain and hurt I was burying. Unfortunately, I was also continually putting myself in precarious situations, and every experience I have had in life that I regret occurred while I was drinking.
My recovery experience has been very cyclical. During that dark time, I was at the point of feeling like it didn’t matter if I drank myself into a stupor and never woke up. In that time, I had no idea how selfish I was being to the people around me, especially those who had loved and cared for me no matter what. Somehow my phenomenal family and a fantastic group of friends had stood by me, through thick and thin.
Yet as the realization hit that I HAD to get sober, it didn’t work for me to become sober ONLY for those around me. Thus the cycle came into play. I finally realized that I had to be selfish with my recovery and do it first and foremost for myself. All of the amazing people I had surrounded myself with would in turn reap the benefits of my selfish decision. Finally my selfish choice would be a positive one, both for me and also for the ones who had cared so deeply for me.
With some guidance from a sober family member, the time came for me to make the decision to clean up. My first thought was, “I won’t be able to drink champagne on my wedding day.” But then I had a quick realization that if I kept going the way I was headed, there would never BE a wedding day. I ran through all the scenarios of how being sober would be a problem for me. But I couldn’t think of one circumstance where I kept drinking that might be more beneficial than recovering.
Since that moment 2,117 days ago, I have cherished the most amazing moments of my life, including marrying my best friend and experiencing the birth of our son. The past six years were more amazing than I could have fathomed, and I truly owe every moment to my recovery. There is a very strong possibility that I would not be here to type this if I had not become sober. This journey has brought me closer to family members who walk this path and it has brought me a clarity I couldn’t have imagined. The most important thing is I finally am okay with myself in all aspects. Plus, I didn’t miss the toast on my wedding day. It just happened to be sparkling cider!