- Drugs
I don’t think I can adequately describe what it is like dealing with a child whose health issue is addiction. Initially I didn’t think the issues my child exhibited were related substance use. I believed they were the result of a trauma she had experienced, and she didn’t know how to tell us. She had a lot of painful emotions that she was not equipped to deal with at her young age, so instead they manifested themselves in anxiety and rage. The rage was directed towards me. The rage and verbal and physical abuse was upsetting but not as devastating as my inability to make things right for someone I love more than I can say. I would have taken on her pain if I could.
Multiple doctors, therapists, medications and visits to emergency mental health centers had no impact; it only seemed to get worse. I was actually afraid of my child. My husband traveled, so I had a deadbolt lock put on my bedroom door so I would be safe. My parents and siblings made me promise that when things escalated I would make my way to the car and leave. She was unmanageable and seemed to have no fear which made it impossible to impose consequences. I involved the court system. I filed a CHINS order, Child in Need of Services. Initially the probation officers didn’t understand just how bad things were. My daughter could be absolutely charming when she had to be. I believe many of them felt I was overreacting.
Somewhere along the line, drugs got involved. The stronger drug use began during her stays in behavioral health facilities, and I feel responsible for and incredibly guilty about this. I wanted to protect her, and it seems I brought her to the ledge instead. Regardless drugs were now in the picture. My child went from a star athlete to a child who, on a good day, we might know where she was. The more I tried to rein her in, the more out of control she became. She overdosed, and that was the turning point. We now knew the enemy. Her first detox happened while she was in high school. She was able to maintain a period of sobriety for about 8 to 10 months.
How do you parent a teenager who needs to be sober? Their friends are just beginning to experiment with alcohol, and they don’t understand that one slip-up is one too many. In many ways we were lucky because many of the parents were open minded and felt Mary-Kate was a good kid who had hit a rough patch. She didn’t become a pariah, but no one can fully appreciate how addiction changes everything. There was no one for her to talk to except older friends from recovery, and I had no one to talk to. While she was sober, I could handle this, but she did relapse. She came to me and asked for help. She completed another detox, but, with the support of her father and counselor, it was decided she could get back on track with meetings and therapy. I felt she needed more, but due to the fact that she had been successful and had a job to return to, I acquiesced.
She quit her job the next day. Life spiraled out of control. Luckily during this time I found a support group for friends and family of those in recovery. Life with Mary-Kate became a revolving door of lying, cheating and stealing. She disappeared and did whatever she wanted to. She had started losing a great deal of weight. When I called her, she always sounded half asleep, and she would tell me she had fallen asleep and was just waking up. Basically she was always getting high and nodding off. When she was around me, she was angry, vicious and lying. Her behavior had become so erratic. She was always gone, lying about who she was with. She was also driving while high. I really believed I was going to bury her either from an overdose or accident. I consider myself a strong person, but I was depleted. I had no reserve left. All I knew was the more I tried to help, the more I was manipulated and the worse she got.
I told my husband that if things didn’t change, meaning treatment, when she turned 18 she was no longer welcome in my home. If he couldn’t do that, I would have to leave. I had actually gone so far as having a place to go. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t think rationally and I felt like no one else appreciated the gravity of the situation and the depth of her addiction. I now believe that is because they would have had to face and perhaps deal with their own substance issues, and they weren’t able to do that. Luckily we had the CHINS order until she was 18, and she had one more appearance before a judge who cared about her and a lawyer who cared as well. The drug use had taken its toll on her physical appearance and her behavior. Needless to say she flunked her drug test. She tried to argue that it was not an issue since it was only cocaine and benzos and not opiates which were what her problem was. She was verbally abusive to me in the court to the point the bailiff had to intervene. The judge gave her an option, either she agreed to voluntary treatment and went by ambulance directly from the court, or the judge would personally walk her up to adult court and have her placed in an adult female treatment center located in a prison. My daughter is no fool and elected the voluntary treatment.
There was a long, drawn-out road ahead. Initially she had no desire to become sober, and I left in tears after several visits because she frequently lashed out at me. We celebrated her 18th birthday while she was in detox. I no longer had any say. At some point things changed, and Mary-Kate became invested in her recovery. I did get one call during this time when she said she was going to sign herself out. I had to do one of the most difficult things I had ever done. I told her she was not welcome at home, and I would change the locks and ask the police to do checks when we were at work. She ended up staying in treatment and made plans to go on to a six-month treatment program about an hour away from home. However there was a long waiting list. She transitioned to the adult holding area. This was a constant roller-coaster ride. I had to worry about her getting thrown out because she would get caught smoking. We needed a bed but didn’t have one, and I would get hysterical phone calls that she was getting put out on the street.
Eventually she got to the treatment center. She was beginning to show the strength of character that has served her well through her recovery. She did sign herself out of this treatment center after a few months but for the right reasons. People were using in the house and not taking their recovery seriously, and she was. I spent months on pins and needles. She was in a sober house that wasn’t sober. What I had to do was step back and let Mary-Kate navigate her own recovery. I couldn’t swoop in and save her. She needed to learn and develop life skills.
Since that time Mary-Kate has grown and flourished. We had our rocky points at the beginning. Now I see a person who is the joy in my life. She was a 19 year old that went out on her own and not only survived but became a person that has inspired others, a person committed to her recovery and helping others. She is active in the recovery community and doesn’t let her past define her. At age 21 she is able to see life is full of possibilities; she doesn’t let her diagnosis of addiction define who she is any more than she lets her asthma define her. Since she completed the Boston Marathon this year, I think it is safe to say her asthma doesn’t define her! She is caring and compassionate, and I have learned so much from her. I would not have picked this path for either of us, but the joy and elation I have now when I see my daughter’s path is the antithesis of the angst and despair I felt when she was using. She has accomplished more in her young life than some people do in the span of their entire lifetime. I believe that Mary-Kate has just begun, and great things are ahead. As a parent I couldn’t ask for more!