- Mental Health
When I was 21 years old, I met a girl; we ended up getting engaged and everything was perfect. Then one day, she vanished into thin air. I never got the closure I needed, and it drove me into an eight year spiral of depression. I was depressed every day, and slowly I lost who I was and became a hermit who never left the house. I moved out of state and across the country trying to rediscover myself. I always asked the same questions to myself that never had any answers: what happened, what did I do, what didn’t I do, why am I not good enough for this person? I held onto those things that I couldn’t control and let them turn me into a different person.
When I started to seek help, I was lying to myself… I didn’t ask the doctor things out of pride and embarrassment. I figured that everyone dealt with these problems and there was something wrong with me. Fortunately, the doctor also knew there was something under the surface that was affecting me as a whole. After six months I finally came clean, but I was in a relationship at the time with someone who also knew I had an issue and took full advantage of it in using me to pay bills, take care of them, mental abuse, etc. I still let that happen to me for two full years after that, and I stopped seeing my doctor because I felt things were fine.
I had a crazy dream one day that woke me up in a full sweat that I still to this day cannot remember, but it kicked me hard enough to realize there was something wrong with me. I started seeing a new doctor and was completely honest this time. After learning I was doing this, my girlfriend left and took all the money I had and everything we had bought together. She left me with the dog we had bought together, which was fine with me because he was a great dog. He has also become my biggest support system. Still I had the need to talk to her, and she still took as much advantage of me as she could. I became suicidal and depressed and even wound up in the hospital a few times. After a few more months, my doctor told me I had co-dependency problems and was addicted to being in love and felt I needed someone in my life. The first couple of months were the hardest of my life. I had nothing to do besides be alone, and that scared the crap out of me. But after time, slowly but surely, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a year and a half now since we broke up, but only two months since I haven’t talked to her. It is something I think about every day, not even the fact of her but being afraid of being alone. I now choose to go on hikes and long walks with my dog, just the two of us. I have started working out and having new hobbies. It has helped me so much to be able to keep busy, be productive, and be more responsible. I am a work in progress, but I am glad with how far I have come. I hope one day I can be well enough to help others and eventually, one day, be comfortable enough to accept everything that is to come my way.