- Alcohol
- Drugs
Stigma? What’s it all about?
Stigma is defined as a mark of shame or discredit. I have had to deal with stigma my entire life.
The first stigma I encountered involved coming to terms with my sexuality, and the second occurred when my life became defined by the stigma of addiction.
Growing up, I was surrounded by a great deal of homophobia from both my peers and (at times) my father. Although I had not yet come to terms with my sexuality, I always knew that something was different about me. Even before I knew exactly what that difference was, I was immensely terrified that my secret would be discovered and that I would be ostracized as a result. The frustration in not being able to understand or identify that secret meant that I did not know how to address my underlying fears. It was years before I understood that I was gay, and even a few more years until I fully embraced my sexuality.
I did not want to be gay. I believed that being gay would further alienate me from my peers and that I would end up alone. Thankfully, in large part to a lengthy period of self-discovery and a trusting support network, I did finally come out as a proud gay man.
There have been few moments in my life that have been as rewarding as coming out publicly. When I was able to do that, I became unapologetically “myself”. I had dissolved the stigma attached to homosexually by publically embracing who I really am.
Ironically, by the time I finally came out, I was dealing with another painful secret: my growing drug addiction.
I relapsed on alcohol only a few short weeks after I left treatment. I was again hooked on painkillers in only a matter of months. Although I relapsed after completing a treatment program, I do not see myself as having failed treatment. My relapse indicated that I was simply not finished with my addiction.
My relapse was brutal. I frequently put myself in morally compromising situations. I developed a dependency on harder drugs. I was broke, nearly homeless, and utterly alone. In any given moment, I would chose drugs and alcohol over anything else in my life. My family wanted nothing to do with me. My relationships disintegrated. I was lost, hopeless, and broken.
Despite the consequences, I still could not admit to myself that I was an alcoholic and drug addict. I did not want to carry the societal burden of addiction. I knew what society thought of drug addicts and I didn’t want to be one of “those people”.
When I finally got sober again in 2013, I was finally able to admit that I am an alcoholic and drug addict. It was the first moment of sincere and complete honesty that I had in years. Admitting those things to myself (and finally to those around me) was very much like coming out as a gay man. I was no longer ashamed of who I was. I was ready to once again disregard stigma, in exchange for valuing my own well-being.
Today, I am proud to say that I am gay and that I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I embrace these aspects of my being. If my public disclosure of my sexuality or my past addiction can benefit someone who is struggling, then the disclosure itself is worthwhile.
Shaming myself because of my past addiction would only serve to send the message that addiction is a shameful moral failing. I fundamentally believe that addiction is a disease and that in order to combat addiction at a societal level, we need to eradicate the stigma that currently exists.
I am Chris. I am an out and proud gay man. I am a grateful recovering alcoholic and addict. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Source:
Heide, C. Recovering addict: Opioid epidemic will be endless if we don’t do this. CNN.26 Oct 2017.