- Drugs
Recovery, triggers, interventions, AA, NA and GA were all words that were only words before. Then they became key words, meanings, healing and saving words for my family and me after realizing that we were faced with the dreaded affliction of addiction in our home.
Yes, at first I was the unaware mum. Then the concerned mum, then the angry mum, then the pleading mum, then the all will be okay mum. “Let us clean up what you have done, let me pay what you need, I’m sure you have learned your lesson we can carry on no one needs to know our secret” MUM.
‘Nothing I knew nothing I understood’
The first rehab was a blessing, I believed. So what if it cost a lot, led by these supposed professionals. It had to be all cash up front. We thought, “So what if there was not much?” We knew you were going to be cured, these drips and stuff would clear up your fatty cells, we could have your miracle healing. My son, you would be what I wanted you to be.
Well then it was that treatment, and then the next and the next. Each one came with a different story, a different way.
So we carried on, just going through the major ups and downs, researching and willing you into better living, pleading you into recovery, doing it all, hoping…….
While all that was happening, somewhere I lost who I was. When did it happen? Where did I go? I really don’t know; I was hardly aware of where……but I was no longer there. I was in a dark pit of a hole. I had no face, I had no smile, I could not think. I hardly remember. I just know that the pit of my stomach was always on this constant turmoil, constantly vigilant not to be caught, not to be tied by your manipulations. But yes I was- over and over – I went around with you in this circle, a whirlpool of madness, unable to escape, like you I’m sure. We both were drowning. Who was pulling who in, I was never sure.
When did things change? Have they changed? Well I’m not really sure. I just know that within me I have found me, me to be stronger, me to believe, me to live, for me each day.
My son is now six months clean. We have moved as a family to another town; to a town that he has found recovery, taking the chance of saving our family. You may say it is risky, you may think it is crazy, but for today we want to take our chances. We live our days with the freedom of the breath of fresh air where for now we as a family are all in recovery.