- Alcohol
I am so grateful to have seven months of recovery. By the grace of god and the help of my sponsor, I have been gifted 213 days of a reprieve from a spiritual malady. I was eight the first time I got drunk. I blacked out at that time and continued to chase that feeling of relief and escape, until I was 34. I won’t go into great detail on my drinking, because that is not my story of recovery. Briefly, I dropped out of high school, got my GED and went to a university as an excuse to party. I dropped out of college and got pregnant at 21 and married at 22. We thought we were doing the right thing for my son, but my ex-husband joined the Army shortly after my son was born and was basically absent for the first five years of the marriage. We did have two daughters during that time, but I was very lonely and, when I wasn’t pregnant, I was drinking. I guess I was a functional alcoholic, because I always worked full time and coached soccer, girl scouts and boy scouts. I was a mother and a wife, but I was an alcoholic, and I was miserable.
When I turned 30, I had had enough. I wanted out of the marriage. I wanted to feel love. I divorced my husband and moved back home (2000 miles away) with my children. That following summer my kids went back to visit their father. They didn’t return. I rekindled an old flame from high school who is my fiance now. We fell in love after our friendship blossomed. He was my best friend and soul mate and still is. We were both sick with addiction, and our lives were on a downward spiral fast. I drank to black out everyday. He drank and used, and I always believed he was sicker than me and needed me. Thank God our love was stronger than our diseases. I would cry in his arms that I hated my life, myself, my drinking and his using, and I was so desperate for a change. He suggested we go to a meeting. He had suggested them before, but I never thought I could stop drinking. On February 25, 2013, we walked to a clubhouse a couple miles away and went to our first meeting as a couple. I had been to meetings before but never wanted to stop drinking.
This time I had hit such a spiritual bottom that I was willing to do anything to not feel like I was feeling. I had admitted a long time ago that I was powerless, but I never acknowledged the unmanageability of my drinking until that day. That was my step one. Right then and there I completely surrendered. Believing in a power greater than myself was easy. Step two was a given but surrendering everything and turning my entire will over? That still takes conscious effort each day. Step three was a huge relief. I learned that I didn’t have to do it alone. I started going to two to three meetings a day in every free moment. I had a sponsor in name only for my first 90 days and was desperate to really do some work and clean up the wreckage. I found my new sponsor after hearing her share in a meeting. I wanted her joy and happiness. She was exactly what I needed. We started meeting once a week and have ever since. When we got down and prayed the third step prayer together, I knew I was on the right path. Step four was a daunting and humiliating task. I dreaded looking at the past and reliving those feelings, but I pushed through knowing I’d feel better once I did it. Step five was my most heart-wrenching experience. The feeling of relief after it was done was amazing. I could finally let go and let God. Steps six and seven are practiced daily.
My character defects are far from removed, but, if I remain conscious of them and do the right thing, they don’t rule me. I pause, think and then act instead of react. It’s a learning process, and I am continuously humbled and reminded it’s progress, not perfection. Step eight and nine are my chance to clean up my side of the street. This is hard with some resentments and fears. Disregarding the other person’s actions and only focusing on my part is a very humbling experience. I am still making amends, each day, especially living amends. I try to do a tenth step each night, although more often than not I don’t physically do it. I pray and meditate every day. Step eleven is keeping the channels of communication open with God. I also have the honor of helping others. I have helped friends battling alcoholism find their way to the rooms. I am grateful everyday, and I send a message of my gratitude to God. I try to be of service as best I can. My fiance is still pursuing his recovery. We share our sobriety date which is more special to us than any anniversary, holiday or birthday. It is the day that God saved us and continues to. I am so incredibly thankful. I hope anyone reading this can find their way to recovery and happiness. The promises are true! And they continue to materialize in my life. Hugs, Eloise