- Alcohol
- Faith
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
How long have you been on your recovery journey?
I have spent little over a year and a half trying to get sober, currently have 10 months sober.
What is the biggest positive change in your life since then?
I now have sense of hope I had inextricably lost over the years, and a more solid faith and belief in God and His plan for my life.
What led to your need for recovery (from substance abuse or some other issue)?
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression initially in high school, but I began using drugs and alcohol a few years before that. I was always a tightly wound kid; a perfectionist, someone who needed the approval and love of others. I was “sensitive,” as my mother would say. I grew up in the South and was no stranger to the disease of addiction. Members of my extended family were alcoholics, only one in recovery.
I started drinking a lot more in college, really binge drinking, but had little consequences. I smoked marijuana occasionally but not a ton. Then I graduated college and got a job, and went through young adulthood, but an increasingly frequent stream of unmanageable situations occurred in my life. My anxiety worsened. My usage of both weed and booze went up, and before I knew it, I was facing “jails, institutions, and death.” It took me a year after my visit to the hospital to wind up on a path to recovery, and it was ultimately the threat of eviction and a therapist’s urging that drove me to a fellowship.
What was the turning point for you?
For me, it was after my second relapse. I met a bottom, an emotional bottom and an unshakeable truth that I would die from this disease that I hadn’t had before. Things had been bad before, but once my outside circumstances started to look better, I assumed the inside would. It didn’t, and turns out, it was worse. Something about that scared me into a willingness that I needed to make changes in my recovery.
What is one important truth you’ve learned through the process?
There is no one road to recovery, but all roads lead to a reliance on a God, not you alone, to walk through this disease.
What are you most proud of about your life today?
The network of women in my life in recovery that I am blessed to know. I’m proud of their accomplishments and victories.
What is one of your biggest struggles in ongoing recovery? How do you overcome that?
I continuously and probably will forever struggle with trusting a God in all things. It’s a fundamental part of my illness to doubt. I share that struggle with my friends in recovery and I keep praying, despite the immediate outcomes, in an effort to take the actions I know will lead me to a deeper trust in that God, although it may not be as forthcoming as I would like.
What part of your life do you find most satisfying since you have been in recovery?
How I feel on the inside is most satisfying; the relative stillness of my mental state on any given basis. Also very important is the community I can draw strength and support from, and give and participate in the lives of others.
Is there a truth or piece of advice someone shared with you that has helped you on this road?
I’m so lucky to have amazing women who speak truth to me every day. The biggest piece of advice or truth I got and had to accept was that my perception is almost always wrong, and that means I should at least consider other people’s ideas may be better than mine. Or, that is to say, God probably has a better plan, being an infinite presence, and little old me and my thinking is very finite!
What would you tell someone who is at the beginning of his/her recovery journey and is afraid he/she can’t do it?
I think I would say, don’t worry about whether you can or can’t do it. Just do it. It’s a little like Yoda’s advice to Luke in Star Wars, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Not to say that means do it right now or screw it! It is more to say keep doing it. Keep trying. I was not a “first-nighter,” and I fully believe this is an illness whose cure often comes through a series of relapses and setbacks. That isn’t to say you have to have those in your road to recovery, but don’t try this journey at all because you aren’t certain of the road bumps ahead. I find there is truth in the statement that “God could and would if sought.”
How has addiction or mental illness touched your life? (self, friends, family)
Mental illness and addiction is a big part of my life and the lives of so many of my friends and family. I grew up in a Southern state, and have a very Southern family. Addiction was perceived as a moral failing, and mental illness was a disease no one discussed. As is often said though, “alcoholism didn’t run in my family, it took a leisurely stroll and stopped along the way!” I have friends from childhood and college, post-college hometown who are addicts and in recovery, or know of others who are in recovery. I’ve also seen friends from school die from the diseases of addiction and mental illness.
Why do you think it’s important to support people in their recovery journey?
I think this is a silent killer, and it’s an epidemic nobody will discuss. Millions of people are dying– heroin deaths have skyrocketed in the last decade, and we cannot afford to let the disease of addiction languish in the shadows of murky public opinion. I think the more people come out for recovery, similar to the movement to expose society to LGBT families, the more the public will understand and accept those who are affected and embrace smart recovery practices.
There is a vast opportunity for addiction studies and further research on mental illness and the intersection with addiction, yet so little money is spent in comparison to other national spending priorities. It’s so important to normalize this. The more visible the disease of addiction is, the more those seeking or needing recovery will reach out for help. I think it’s important to foster and expand communities around recovery that scoop those people up and guide them into a path of relief.
What do you admire about those in recovery and what positive changes have you seen? Conversely, what is hardest for you to understand and what would you change about the process? (mental illness and/or addiction)
I admire the willingness of those in recovery to help one another– to share their stories. To be open and honest in ways that many never do with their closest loved ones. I have seen people’s lives transformed in a year and a half. I see people find their voice, get comfortable in their skin, reestablish relationships with loved ones. It’s a beautiful thing.
What is hardest for me to understand about recovery is how we lose people. So many people die without knowing reprieve for this soul sickness. How do we change that? I think one of the things I would change or urge the communities of recovery to change is elimination of barriers to inclusion for all; including the practices of fellowships in encouraging/discouraging prescription assistance with withdrawals and relapse prevention. There are a large number of heroin addicts who are being denied life-saving prescription assistance with drawing down their addictions, and the cost is their lives. This cannot continue if we are truly seeking to foster a community with broad gates, that all may hear the messages of hope and find peace.
If you’re doing this interview, someone thinks you’re a Hero. What’s something important you would say to a loved one of someone struggling? How do you do it?
You are not alone, and you never have to be. You are loved beyond belief and there is a solution to the confusing pain of addiction. You simply have to reach out for someone to find it. I have continually found that God shows up in the eyes of others when I am seeking.
Parting words: What message would you send to someone who doesn’t believe they can recover from mental illness and/or addiction?
What do you have to lose to believe that you can?