- Alcohol
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My name is Erin and I am an addict. My date of sobriety is February 21, 2010. The day that I started this journey, I had no intention of getting sober. I went to treatment to get everyone off my back and just take a break. I had a string of bad luck and just needed to figure out how to put things back together, not get sober. I now know that God was doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself and my “first step” experience or “surrender” was starting a long time before I actually felt it.
You see, God showed up at my house on Jan. 28, 2010. God showed up disguised as a SWAT team. Standing outside my house in handcuffs, two detectives came up and said, “We don’t want to embarrass you, but is this you?” They were holding several 8×10 glossy autographed photos of me…Miss Arizona 1996. There I was in my crown and evening gown. “What happened to you?” they asked. My only fitting response? Drugs. What was once a driven, poised, young woman with meaning and purpose was now a shell of a human that sold herself to stay well, and was as far away from that once beautiful girl as could be possible.
What followed next was questioning by the police, eviction, and showing up to see my therapist while I was going through withdrawals. She told me it was time to seek help and I had no fight left. I just said OK. I checked into treatment. You see, my father had been diagnosed with terminal colon cancer, I was 34 years old and I just knew he was going to go to heaven and be so ashamed of his daughter. Still, I had no intention of staying sober.
But that started the journey. And what a journey it has been. Very much of it so painful, but pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. I haven’t done it perfectly but, gosh I am grateful. For all of it. For the good, the bad, the ugly.
In my third week of treatment I got the news that would shift my plans forever. I had some blood work done and found out that I was HIV positive as a direct result of my addiction and for the first time in 13 years, I no longer wanted to die. I wanted to live and I would do whatever was asked in order to live.
At 52 days sober I was charged with aggravated identity theft which, because I was already on probation for a drug offense, carried a presumptive sentence of 7-12 years in prison. From very early on I was forced to show up. I started showing up for court knowing that my future lay in the judge’s hands. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and nine months later I got a plea. I got absolved of the identity theft charges. A forensic evaluation of my computer showed that I did not commit the crime, and although I was absolved, I was still convicted of a probation violation and was sentenced to 30 days in county jail with 2 years of probation to follow. I self-surrendered to jail December of 2010 and spent my first sober Christmas and New Year Day in jail. It was my first sober holiday in 13 years.
So much life has happened in the last five and a half years, I could write a book. Some of the most notable experiences I have had have been of the painful variety. But alongside that, some extremely beautiful things have occurred as well. Just after my one year sobriety birthday I found out I was co-infected with Hepatitis C. Just another bit of proof that if I ever go back to the life I was living, I was on a path to death. As a result I have become an advocate for HIV and hepatitis. I’ve had the opportunity to share my story in various media outlets and work through the shame and stigma that is associated with those health conditions.
I have had the opportunity to come back to the Miss America Organization Arizona Family and Sisterhood. I was asked to host the final night of competition in 2012 where I got to share my story and was welcomed back with open arms. I am now a judge at the local pageant level.
I got off probation six months early as a result of doing the work and being accountable. What a gift!
The last three years of my recovery journey have definitely been the biggest lesson for me. I have learned that anything I put in front of my recovery can and will be taken away. I have learned that the power, which I call both God and Love will use whatever means necessary to draw me back to reliance upon it.
I fell fast in love in November 2012 and my reliance turned to something human. We were engaged and pregnant in February 2013. We went through our first miscarriage in April. That was the closest I had been to relapse but somehow we pulled through and started planning our wedding. We planned the wedding for October that year because I knew my father would stop fighting to live after my parent’s 50th anniversary which was in December of that year.
At the beginning of October, my position at work was irreparably strained and I was showing physical signs of stress. My doctor wrote a letter for me to go on FMLA for the couple weeks leading up to my wedding. Thank God for that letter. I turned it in to my boss for safekeeping while I took a “mental health” day. When I returned to work the next day, he told me I would have to get a release from my doctor to come back to work. God was doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself. That same day, my father entered the hospital. I had the opportunity to show up; for my family, and for myself. My father entered hospice on October 10. My husband and I exchanged vows at his bedside October 11, I got the opportunity to make a full and proper amends to him, my husband celebrated 1 year of sobriety on October 15 at the hospice center, and my father passed away on October 16 and I got to be with my family, in his room, when he took his last breath. My husband and I were married on October 20. I was faced with the decision to leave my job when I returned to work the following week.
God continued to hang out on the back burner for the next eight months. In that time I looked for everything else to fill that void. I was pregnant again the following January, had another miscarriage a couple months later and at this time, my husband started to relapse. While in his relapse, he had an affair. I found myself back at that place of powerlessness and hopelessness that I experienced when I first got sober. I had to regain that connection. I found myself finally asking for help.
I prayed and I prayed and things began to shift. I began to reestablish a relationship with my husband. I started to see his fallibility and have compassion for his addiction. My husband continued to relapse but I stopped taking it so personally and stopped being so resentful. I started to sense that flow of God’s handiwork taking place in my life. That woman that I “hated” called to make an amends and I stopped running away from facing that pain. I simply started doing the work.
As a result I have had the opportunity to remarry my husband. I have a beautiful friendship with a woman that I see as human and flawed, just like myself. I have stopped being so judgmental and self-righteous. When we had our third miscarriage at the beginning of this year I stopped thinking that I needed to be a mom to be fulfilled and ok. And when my husband went on his last run in April, I didn’t try to interfere.
Today my life is absolutely amazing. Giving up that need to be perfect and the delusion of being in control has been life changing. My husband has been sober since April 17 and our relationship is stronger than ever because it is centered on God and Love. We both have jobs where we feel fulfilled and satisfied that what we are doing is part of God’s plan for our lives. And we are getting ready to welcome a sweet baby girl to our family in January.
I’m a 40 year old HIV positive, hepatitis C positive, drug addict, pregnant felon and because I have been sober the last 5.5 years, I can say that I am all of those things with pride. That is pretty freaking cool if you ask me. I had no idea that my life would look like this but I’ll be damned if I would want it any other way. Absolutely love my life today– all the pain, all the fear, all of it…absolutely beautiful…and part of God’s awesome plan for my life. Thanks for letting me share.