- Drugs
Hello folks! My name is Jeff R, and I’m a grateful recovering addict. My drug of choice was meth, and I was in denial about my addiction for a good portion of my life. I told people I could quit when I wanted or said that I only had a problem with marijuana. Who was I fooling? I was an all around junkie, and I have an addictive personality. If you had drugs, I tried them. I said I would never do some drugs, but I was only fooling myself. If it got you high, I did it. I said I would never use in certain ways, but I ended up with a needle in my arm. I also said that I would never do certain things to get my drugs, but that didn’t last long either.
I sold my belongings, stole and disappeared for days or even weeks. I manipulated people that cared for me, took advantage of people I associated with and lied to everyone. I would like to say it was the drugs, but that would be dishonest. It was a part of me. It was the side of me that existed all along and had to be stopped. I was a paranoid freak and thought all people were out to get me, but the only thing out to get me was my conscious and myself.
All my wrongdoings caught up to me. I knew it was only a matter of time before something bad happened. I ended up homeless, fully addicted and feeling worthless. I felt beneath myself and couldn’t believe what had happened. I had to do something. At that time I was using pretty heavily, bringing meth home and using in the bedroom, bathroom or any place I could fix. I swore that the drug wouldn’t cross my doorway and again fooled myself into thinking it was okay as long as the kids didn’t find it. Thank God they didn’t, but someone else did: my girlfriend.
We had been together for some time, and she didn’t even know I was using. We both knew this was not okay. She didn’t drink or use anything. She knew something was up but couldn’t put her finger on it. I made the decision to leave, but she loved me so much that she told me not to. I stayed and waited for things to crumble. I told her that it was only a matter of time before things would get worse.
My behavior was out of control, and I started mentally and physically abusing her. She and her kids remained innocent through all this, and her last resort was to call the authorities. I was arrested, and I believed this was a conspiracy. My demons had been let loose, my childhood traumas came back to haunt me and I felt like my soul was lost. I felt like someone was dictating my life, and it wasn’t me.
My girlfriend was struggling at this time. She almost lost the house, and this would have put her and the kids risk. I was released from jail and placed on probation. Despite my newest brush with the law, I continued to use and blame others for what had happened to me. I was full of animosity, hatred and little remorse. I continued with my old way of life and couldn’t return home. I didn’t want my girlfriend and her children to suffer any more than they already had. It wasn’t right.
I began to couch surf, house-hop and sleep wherever I could lay my head. Some days my options were slim so I had to sleep outside. During the cold months of winter 2011 in Portland, Oregon, options were running out, and the dope was running out just as fast. As a last resort, I stayed in a house full of people using drugs. I rented a corner of space. It was a drug house, and it was a two-for-one deal. I had a place to sleep, and my drugs would be there. I donated plasma to pay my rent fee and went to food banks. This was the moment I said, “This is it. This is not what my life should be.” I once held down two jobs when needed , worked with Fortune 500 companies and worked in well-known restaurants. This couldn’t be what my life had become.
I broke down and went to my probation officer. I told him I needed some serious help. I expected to be put in jail after all the things I told him and after he saw the tracks in my arms and the bags under my eyes. I got lucky. He referred me to an agency that wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be incarcerated and away from people and drugs. I left his office seething, puzzled and wondering, “Did this guy even listen to me? Did he even hear anything I said?”
I made a clear decision to get clean despite being in that house with all the people using and with drugs in my face constantly. One individual even came up to me and said, “You must really be testing your willpower in this house.” I told him, “This isn’t a test of willpower. This is me being done! I’m done with this lifestyle, the people and the drugs. I’m not even supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be with my family!”
January 10, 2012, was my first clean day. I was homeless, but being clean helped me get connected with a company that housed me, and I worked with a case manager to get things in order. I was able to get myself back to normal and back on my feet. While going through this, my girlfriend told me we were expecting. This was another blow to the ribs. As if I didn’t have enough things to try and piece together, I now had another life to care for.
I continued to do what was necessary to stay clean. I attended doctor appointments and stayed focused on the things that would connect me to my family. While I was doing classes, going to counseling and staying focused on the good things in life, my girlfriend and I learned the baby was lost due to complications. The doctors told her that we needed to do a DNC. I didn’t know what to do, and with using always an alternative, I looked up in the sky and said, “Why God? Why are you doing this to me? Is this a test to see if I can stay clean and keep it together? Is this some sort of joke? I’m not amused by any means, and I don’t appreciate what you’ve done. I’m angry with you right now!”
I started attending church, praying, doing some soul searching, taking long walks and talking to God just a little more. I continued to concentrate on staying clean and focused. I got my own apartment and continued to be as productive as possible. I soon learned we were expecting again. This time it was twins! I looked up and thanked God even though I only asked for one. I wondered if this was God’s way of giving me what I wanted but wasn’t ready for when I was using. I knew that if I could stay clean during death and inside a drug house, I was ready to live a productive life.
I became a mentor for the same company that housed and helped me. While volunteering with a church that helps the homeless population, I started to become normal again and to show people that are homeless that there are possibilities. Recovery is possible even at the worst moments. I was a mentor for nine months and soon after was employed with the company. I’ve been with the company for over a year now. I reach out to those that are in the same spot as me or an even worse one. I help them overcome the barriers and obstacles that once held me down. I sit in a boardroom when needed among people in suits and ties, and I’m the plain-clothed civilian. These people listen, and I’m the voice of a community that speaks through crime, drugs or not at all.
It tickles me some days that only two years ago I was in the same spot as some of the people I meet and help. Determination was my best friend. Being stubborn about not using was my next best friend. As of January 10, 2014, I will have a complete two years of clean time. I feel I’ve moved mountains in this small amount of time. I am no longer on probation and was discharged successfully. I am a full-time employee, a father, a friend, loyal and a productive member of society.
I want to thank all of you who took the time to read my story. This was a short version, and some things were not said, but I think you get the picture. I hope that the new year brings you joy, happiness, family and love.