Takes a deep breath in (inhales) and out (exhales)… That alone is a gift that I took advantage of for a long time. The gift of breathing— blood pumping through my veins, into my heart causing it to beat!
For more than half my life I’ve been doomed due to alcohol abuse. My adult life has been nothing short of being stuck in a barrel as it comes tumbling down a large hill. When I get to the bottom, I get out and stand up, but then I fall again. Over and over again, I fall. When will the fog finally be lifted?
I didn’t always feel this cloud suffocating my face. I had an unbelievable childhood consumed with laughter and adventure. Nothing could get in my way. I had a loving family, was an athlete, an honor roll student, the whole nine yards. I was extremely blessed and I know this now, but where did I go wrong? What happened to that sweet playful boy? Which turn didn’t I take on the road called life?
I lived my teenage and adult years blaming others and making excuses — anything to keep me from looking at the real problem — Me. I refused to look at the man in the mirror and say enough is enough. Instead, I consciously ran every thing into the ground. I knew it would hurt and I knew it was wrong, hell I was accustomed to the chaos! The life of all that insanity still haunts me today.
From being homeless, to being in the ICU surrounded by my family who traveled to say their goodbyes, to taking things that weren’t mine — I was only functioning on willpower, the willpower for MORE! It didn’t matter that I was going to die, we all will die someday I thought. Imagine your sweet mother knelling at you feet crying and begging you to stop, tears pouring down her angelic face. Who had I become?
After numerous attempts and some success, that demon crept back up. I just wasn’t ready. I needed to do more research. I needed to prove to the whole world that everyone was wrong about me. I had to discover that gray area that no one had ever found. Turns out, there is no gray area. Alcoholism is black and white and when you are one, you will always be one.
It wasn’t my family’s fault, it wasn’t my trauma, my anxiety, or my depression. It was me. It had always been me.
It wasn’t until I accepted my circumstance wholeheartedly did I start to recover. I threw my hands in the air and waved that white flag and I started to live. Today, I’m a steam engine going down the tracks huffing and puffing with no end in sight. Today, I fight. I fight for what’s right and what I believe in. I believe in me! I’ve been provided a relationship with amazing people and a life I could have never dreamed of. I have a family that that is not surrounded by a dying body, but a body who has chosen to move forward. It’s not always easy and it’s not always fun, but I choose to never forget who I was and who I never want to be again! Keep fighting, stay committed and never give up!