- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
I’m in recovery from alcohol and now have over four years clean and sober. I drank through college like most of my friends, but it was after the death of my mother that I found myself drinking more and more. I believe I did this at that time to numb myself and to keep myself from feeling. I was a so-called ‘closet drinker’. I did not go out to bars and clubs. I spent my time at home and drank behind closed doors. I could hide it for a long time and very well, but one day the hiding didn’t work anymore.
I held the same job for 16 years until I lost it as a consequence of my disease. The irony is that I worked for a treatment center while slowly becoming a victim of this disease myself. Every day, I was helping other people battle addiction and get help, while I was hiding my own problems with it. I denied my problems for a while until it got to the point that I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I knew I was an alcoholic and I knew what I had to do. I just wasn’t willing. I was reported by someone after smelling alcohol on my breath, ultimately leading to me losing my job.
I was not happy when I was drinking. I felt sad, depressed and inadequate. I thought I was not worthy, and felt humiliated. The shame of holding such a big secret in my life was overwhelming. I was helping others every day, but I could not help myself. Lying about my situation was a terrible burden to bear.
A couple of months after I lost my job, I really hit my bottom and the center helped me to find treatment for myself. Losing my job was not my bottom yet. I continued my destructive behavior in my alcoholism for another two months until I ended up in a hospital after I foolishly tried to quit on my own and went into severe withdrawal. I knew all about it, but because I was an alcoholic I wasn’t thinking clearly at all. I ended up in the hospital very, very ill and ended up on a respirator for three days.
I went to a 28-day program. After completion of that, I lived in a recovery home for a three month duration and finished an intensive outpatient program. I took a different job at that time to keep my head above water, but after my old company saw that I did everything to stay sober and work my program, they hired me back. I’m grateful for the friends who intervened in the hospital and made my recovery at a treatment center possible.Thanks to my friends who worked in the field, I went straight from the hospital to the airport to treatment.
I have been married two years now. My husband is not in recovery, but very supportive. For a long time he did not drink at all to support my healing. Today he asks me if it’s okay for him to have one drink if we go somewhere, but he still does not drink at home. There is no alcohol in our house. My dream today is to continue my life in sobriety and that our children, ages 18, 12 and 10, are happy and enjoy healthy lives. My 18-year-old son is very understanding and we now have the best relationship we have ever had. I have never been happier in my life than I am just now. I’m so grateful for second chances in life.
My own downfall through the disease and all the recovery I went through made me a better person in my life and in my job. Now, when I speak to a client at our facility, I can honestly say, “I’ve been there.” I’ve been on day one, day fifteen, and throughout the process. I love living today without any secrets. This is an incredible freedom, it is the biggest gift you can give yourself.
I don’t look back today in shame and guilt on the years I wasted in my active addiction. Today I look forward to more beautiful days ahead.