- Alcohol
So, I’ve reached one year of sobriety! I have to tell you that, in general, I really feel good! But like everyone, I have my ups and downs. Recovery does not mean that I have found the magical journey to Nirvana. All it really means is that I am probably not going to die from an alcohol related illness. Now, that may sound negative or ungrateful but that is how I am feeling at this moment. Every day requires effort to find my purpose for the day. When I was drinking, I knew what my purpose was: to get drunk! It was so simple. Now in sobriety, my brain must continually be fed new information. Previously, I could just anesthetize myself, and the problem was solved!
My husband and I would spend hours of fun playing games by asking, “Where did you hide the bottle?” I would, of course, play along and answer, “What bottle?” Another great pastime was hiding the smell of alcohol from my breath. I took these games very seriously! The worst way to hide my breath was to chew gum. I still smelled like booze. It only made it minty fresh too. The best way to hide the smell of booze from your drunken breath is to use coffee! All well-seasoned professional drinkers know this to be true! Finding places to drink in peace was also something that took many serious hours of dedicated planning. Unfortunately, no matter how much I looked for a quiet place to indulge my habit, my husband would find out. He was good!
I am a true addict! I’m not an exception to the rule or anything special, just an alcoholic and addict. Why is that such a hard thing to admit? Because it means we cannot keep doing what we love to do the most in this whole wide world! I loved drinking! I didn’t just like it a little bit. I totally lived to drink! I associated it with beautiful settings and people because that is part of my personality. I thought that, if I am going to drink, it must be romantic, artistic, soulful, inspiring, sexy, crazy or intellectually stimulating. Like a true addict, alcohol became my best buddy ever! No one else understood my pain, my anguish or my disappointments like alcohol. My beautiful ego was there with me too, telling me to keep on going! Drink! You deserve it!
We all know how the story ends: jails, institutions or death! I got diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer and I fought tooth and nail to recover! Then, I started drinking again. I crashed two cars, broke my arm and flipped over a 4×4 vehicle. But I kept right on drinking! Nothing and no one could get through to my addicted brain. I was gone! This madness went on for two years. My marriage was only being held together by my husband’s love for me and certainly not by anything I did! My husband saw the real me that existed somewhere deep within that alcoholic mess. My children were grown. They were heartbroken. Where was their mom? I could honestly not see the insanity that I was creating! I just thought that, if people left me alone, I could drink in peace and then I would not go around crashing vehicles! Just let me drink! Why did they want me to stop? I could give you many reasons to justify my drinking. We all have those reasons. But all I can tell you is that it was an addiction. There was no rhyme or reason. It just was an addiction. It made me feel good!
Now, I am one year sober. But it practically took a bullet in my head to get me to stop! Rehab felt like pure hell at the time but it works! Once I came home from rehab, I was a new woman. My mind, body and spirit were renewed. I was very grateful to be sober. But sobriety is work! It requires effort 24/7. Just try it!
Recovery is not something you can dip your toes into and walk away. That is not recovery! Recovery is your entire life, forever and ever! It’s like taking a vow and pledging yourself to someone. It is holy and sacred. And it is beautiful! I understand now why people would say you have to take the energy that you once used to drink and put it into your recovery. You must love recovery like you loved your addiction or it will not stick! All of the time that I spent thinking of how I was going to drink I now use to stay sober! It takes all day! I am a very grateful recovering alcoholic. May God grant me more sober years to do His will daily!