- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
I grew up in a loving family in Southern Illinois, with one younger sister. My mom never used drugs and may occasionally might have a glass of wine. My younger sister does not have the disease of addiction, but it hit me with full force. My father always had a bit too much alcohol, but I didn’t really notice it as a child. At age ten I noticed that may father always carried a blue cup that he would go outside to fill up and then come back in the house with it. At twelve years old, me and my best friend started to drink and a short time after we started smoking Marijuana. We were too young to know anything about it, but her older brother and sister took care of our supply. My friend’s brother was also underage but he was old enough to know where to get stuff. At age 13 I had my first Xanax through the same source.
My parents divorced and I stayed with my mother. I had straight A’s all through high school and one C as a freshman. I always wanted to become a nurse. While I was in nursing school I had to pass drug tests to do my clinicals so during that time I only drank alcohol. Throughout high school my mother never knew what I was up to. That is until I was at a friend’s home during my freshman year and she found out that I was drinking over there. She came over in rage and dragged me out by my hair.
I had a boyfriend starting at the age of 14. We had a year-long breakup but always seemed to get back together. At 20 years old I became pregnant with my beloved son. It was not only me being drawn to drugs and alcohol but my boyfriend did the same and was always the life of the party. I had my baby during break between 3rd and 4th semester of nursing school. My parents and grandparents helped me and took care of him at times, so I could finish my last semester of nursing school and get my degree.
While working at a local hospital, I separated from my baby’s father and started dating someone else. I drank a lot at this time and wouldn’t do drugs at first. I don’t remember how it but I started to use IV drugs. That’s when the problems got really bad. At the hospital I was blamed for missing narcotics, but I was actually not taking them. I lost my job anyway. I started working at a nursing home only two months later and met another man who became my new boyfriend. This was a bad move and my problems started really going crazy from there on out. We were stealing together, IV using drugs, shoplifting, pawning and dealing drugs to finance our own use. I even stole from close relatives, my need was that bad and I felt that I had no other choice. We both lost our jobs at this facility. We got caught trafficking and I was charged. My life was a complete chaos and I needed to do something different. Just as I was about to enter the drug court program that was offered to me by the judge, for the first time in my life I was caught stealing. From all the things I stole, took, shoplifted, sold and pawned, they caught me stealing a pack of chicken wings. I was already approved for drug court, so I started the program regardless of this new incident.
Unfortunately, Drug Court did not work for me. On the one hand I was wanting to get clean and sober, but I couldn’t stop using Kratom to easy my emotional pain. I wanted to stop but didn’t know how. The 12-step fellowship didn’t appeal to me so I didn’t go. The required signatures for my attendance were forged. I was not willing to open up and let the change happen or accept help. The relationship to my parents was catastrophic. I lost custody of my son and could only see him under supervision. My son went to live with his father. I was heartbroken and didn’t know what to do. I turned myself into Drug Court for Kratom use and later got caught for a second offense. I went back to jail and got kicked out of the program. Consequently, I now had to face my full sentence. Just before drug court tested me positive for Kratom I reached out for help and found a sponsor and recovery coach. She introduced me to the fellowship, went to meetings with me. She welcomed me to become a part of the recovery family. Even though I stopped using, I still had Kratom in my body and the positive test eliminated any possibility of avoiding a felony charge. Something clicked and I woke up at this point and started to go every day to meetings and work the 12 steps. My new boyfriend was also in recovery and long term treatment. I saw a huge change in him and wanted the same for myself. He was a great resource and a big role model for me. I kept doing drug tests on my own and went every day to meetings, collecting signatures for my attendance. I stopped all communication and connections with my former friends, including the ones from the drug court program. I concentrated on my newfound friendships at my 12-step fellowship. The judge saw a huge change in me a few months later and gave me probation. I was so relieved that I didn’t have to go back to jail. I finally found my way into recovery and started loving it.
I am now over a year IV drug free and it has been seven months since I last used Kratom or any other substance. I continue to join my new recovery family and go to meetings I feel very loved. Following suggestions of my sponsor and coach, I gave up my apartment and moved back in with my mother and sister. I have my son back in my life and have visitation with him almost every weekend. He recently was able to join me and my family on a beach vacation. I take my sobriety seriously today and I look forward to what life has to offer to me. I registered for college courses in Social Work starting this year. I might get back to nursing some day. It will take time to get my license reinstalled. Today I’m happy and laugh a lot. I have successfully held a job at a hotel, I go daily to a meeting after work and love my life. I’m very happy that my son is back in my life and that I’m on good terms with his father to make this all possible. The relationship with my mother and other family members have drastically improved. In my spare time I love to re-furbish old furniture. This nurtures my creativity. The weekends are full of joy with my son, my family, and my boyfriend. We love to ride the 4-wheeler around the farm and have a good time. I am on probation, but it does not scare me. I have completely changed my life.