- Drugs
- Friends & Family
Kelli had reached a new low in her addiction. Her addiction had destroyed her relationships with her family, including her son. “I was the walking dead, and everyone was just waiting for me to literally die. I couldn’t be a mom. I was unemployable. I was a thief, a cheat, and a liar. I had ruined all of the relationships in my life with anyone who ever cared for and loved me. I was living to get high, and getting high to live. It was a vicious cycle of getting loaded, getting sick, treatment centers, halfway houses, long-term treatment centers, psychiatric wards, and jail.”
Kelli had just overdosed for the second time that week. When she got to the hospital the nurse asked her, “Isn’t this getting old?” See, she had become somewhat of a regular of sorts at the emergency room department of this hospital. Kelli looked to the nurse and answered, “You know, it really is.”
Kelli had reached a turning point. When she was released from the hospital she called her parents, but this time they didn’t answer. She found herself with nowhere to go. So Kelli took some action and was able to find a recovery residence in another city that would take her in. She climbed into her trusty old car and headed for yet another recovery house.
During the drive to the new town and new home, she recalls crying the entire way. “I know that I was crying because I was scared. I wasn’t scared about the new living place, I was used to packing up and moving, I was scared that I was actually going to have to stop using and make some changes in my life.”
Kelli has remained abstinent since July 22, 2013– a fact that is very surreal to her. She has had numerous positive changes in her life since then, but the one she treasures the most is being able to be a mother to her son. “It was always something I wanted to do, but I wasn’t able in my addiction. Today, I am proud of the fact that I can suit up and show up for my son. He is my world, and some days I do what I am doing for him and only him, instead of for myself. I know that I am not a perfect mom, but I also learned that I don’t have to be perfect. I just have to strive for perfection, knowing I will never get there. It’s all about the actions that I am willing to take to continue growing.”
She adds, “I am also able to be there for my mom and my sisters. I was never able to really be a part of their lives because I was too busy chasing my addiction, but now I can be there for them and, this is so important– with them.”
Kelli still has struggles these days, but now she has the tools to overcome them. “One of my biggest struggles today is staying in the present– and honestly, it is a struggle to stay in recovery some days. My brain sometimes wants to tell me that I don’t need to be in recovery, that I wasn’t that bad off, that I don’t need to do all the work and I can hangout with like-minded people. I get through those moments by being honest and calling someone and saying, ‘hey, this is how I am feeling.’ I know that person is going to bring me back to the solution, which is what I always need. I am grateful that I have many great women around me to help guide me, even– and especially– when I don’t want guidance.”
“When I got to the new city, some women reached out to me and took me under their wings. One of those women sat me down and told me that recovery was not for people who need it. Because there were a lot of people out there who need it– myself included. And, recovery was not for people who want it, because there were a lot of people out there who want it, but it is for the people who do it. I still think about that moment often because it was like a light bulb went off in my head.
I realized that all of these years in and out of treatment centers and halfway houses were not for nothing, but that I had to take action to make the changes that I needed to make. I couldn’t recover by just listening to other people talk about it or read books about it. I had to do it.”
To someone struggling in the beginning of their recovery journey and fearful they cannot do it, Kelli would gave the following advice: “I would let that person know that I definitely understand that struggle. I have told many people over the year, ‘I just can’t do it, staying sober is not something that I can do.’ But that was a lie. It can be done, and you aren’t alone.”
“I was the girl who wasn’t ever supposed to stay sober. I was the girl who was going to die in the streets. But somehow, some way, I was able to change. And recovery hasn’t been all rainbows, unicorns, and ice cream. Some days it’s hard, really hard. And some days I think about using, but to me the miracle that has happened is that I pause when I have bad days or bad thoughts. I can regroup and use some tools that I have learned along the way. That lie of ‘I cannot do it’ is dead to me, so I can’t use that to justify me going back to using anymore. I truly believe that someone who wants to change can no matter what they may believe about themselves, their lives, or what they have done. There is always a solution.”
Recovery has taught Kelli this important truth. “I am no better than anyone else but I am also no less. I am an addict, and that is my truth. All of my life, I have struggled to be on the top of the pile or the bottom of the pile. But really just wanted to be part of the pile. I just want to be able to succeed in life, to be happy and free and not be controlled by dope or anything for that matter. I just want to be a good-standing member of society. Not on the outskirts anymore. I am so grateful that life is one big learning experience.”