- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
I was an addict in some way since the day I was born. Alcohol was just part of my journey. I was always looking for something in my life. I grew up in an alcoholic home, so alcohol use just seemed normal to me. When I took my first drink, I finally felt like my void was filled. I was suddenly pretty, confident and good enough. Alcohol took away my fears and insecurities. Alcohol also brought me so much comfort. I could finally sit down, relax and have my head stop spinning. This worked for many years, but throughout those years alcohol also caused me so much pain and insecurity. I would wake up not remembering what I had done the night before. I would call friends to see what had happened. This continued for many years. Once I was married and had children, I continued to drink but in a way I thought was acceptable. I would have wine in the evening with my husband and would have people over for dinner. I was always the best host, but there were also those times when we would have people over and I would black out.
My life started to get out of control after I lost my twins six years ago. I would use alcohol to numb the pain of my loss and the pain of my endless number of miscarriages. This was my excuse to drink. I didn’t accept that I was drinking because I had a problem.
About two and a half years ago, I started hiding alcohol. I would carry it in my purse when I went out for dinner. I would have a glass of wine then head to the bathroom to drink more. I would hide vodka in my walk-in closet. I would have a glass of wine in the kitchen then head up to my room to down vodka. I never questioned what I was doing. I just wanted to make sure I could keep it a secret. The secret came out eventually, and that is when I lost total control. I went to treatment, and my husband thought I was cured. Little did I know, but things were going to get 50 times worse. I relapsed within a month and had to move out of my house. I was putting alcohol in front of everyone and everything I cared about or loved. I was slowly dying inside and out. The script I had written for my life had fallen apart. I became hopeless and helpless. It didn’t matter how hard I fell, it did not hurt enough to surrender. When it finally did, a door opened, and I started to recover with the support I finally accepted from the program and the people in it. I finally shut up and started to listen to what I had to do to get well.
Recovery is not easy, and I have so many things to work on. My family has suffered so much throughout this process. If I continue to stay sober and work a program, my kids will continue to have a mom. They will get to have the mother I always wanted to be.
“I now release my fears and open fully to a loving relationship with myself and others.”