- Drugs
When my son entered into the world of drug use, and soon after full blown addiction, I did not understand what was going on. His foul language and belligerent and erratic behavior was foreign to me. Based on what was happening in his life, some struggles with school and a broken heart, this behavior seemed extreme. It was like being dropped into the middle of a tornado without any warning.
I thought this would pass as rebellion, until his first arrest shook me out of denial. I sought legal help from a lawyer friend as this was my introduction to needing the legal system. On the advice of this lawyer, we decided to leave him in jail for 5 days and require him to attend drug classes. This did not make a big enough impression. A second arrest followed a few months later. Following my wife’s lead, we gave him the option of treatment or jail. My wife searched for an appropriate treatment program, and my son’s only request was that it was not inside. At this point, I was angry with my son and wanted for him to find his own treatment program. I did not understand the hold that addiction had on him or his inability to help himself. I was angry that my wife and I did not see eye to eye, as she continued to do the research to find the wilderness program that he ended up attending. Also, we were about to spend the majority of his college fund, and I knew that 60 days of treatment was likely to be just the beginning.
While my son was at the wilderness program, we also took part in the family part of the program. Weekly calls with his counselor helped us to understand the need for us to work our own recovery. During his absence, we attended a 12-step program as a couple, and joined a Christian-based support group for a 12-week Bible study that we later helped teach. This was the start of my education about addiction and how it was out of my control. For the next six months while my son was in his secondary program, I had the chance to continue to educate myself and grow in my understanding of the reality of this disease. The meetings helped me to accept that addiction was not a choice but a disease. I also realized that the alcoholism that was on both sides of our families, although it may have skipped a generation, had found a place to resurface in our immediate family. I read books, watched DVDs, listened to addiction counselors and heard individuals’ own testimonies. I became open and willing to listen.
Along with education, we found a family counselor that had an addiction background. She worked with us as individuals and as a family, sorting out our feelings and relationships with each other. Even when our son no longer went to sessions, we continued to go. We worked on being unified as a couple with our boundaries and learning to not enable. I never felt we enabled in the obvious ways, but we have had to learn over time that enabling is not always what we think it is.
My family’s journey is ongoing. We have had relapses, legal issues, jail time and times of growth and happiness. We have now reached the place of more good than bad. But the work is ongoing to maintain my own strength and balance to respond appropriately when addiction tries to work its way back into our day-to-day life. My faith sustains me. My son’s path is on God’s timeline. I pray for strength from God for the journey.
My journey has made me more sensitive to why people do what they do. For example, hurting people often hurt people. I try to look beyond the obvious and understand they may not be aware that they are in pain themselves. I also try to be cognizant of caring for myself. Our family realizes that we are all human and each of us has our own struggles on this road to recovery.
I hope if you are a family member or friend supporting someone in recovery, you will do everything you can to educate yourself about the disease of addiction, because with knowledge there is power. Once you understand the limits you have over this disease, you will be able to focus on your own recovery and leave your family member’s recovery up to him and his higher power.