- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Mental Health
Growing up I was fortunate to have two happily married parents that gave me everything I could ever want or need. From an early age I had all of the luxurious benefits of living in a nice suburban home, participating in every sport available and playing with all of the coolest toys. I was never without something that I needed and rarely without something I wanted. My childhood and teenage years could not have been better.
During high school I became friends with the cool crowd, but drinking and partying still weren’t for me. I was too involved in sports and chasing females to experiment with things that my spoiling parents steered me clear of. During my senior year, in the middle of a relationship break up, I decided to go out with the cool guys on a Friday night after the football game. This was my first experience with alcohol and not long after that marijuana was placed in front of me. Although I didn’t necessarily hate it, the drug and party scene didn’t really turn me on as much as you would think. Within no time I was back in a relationship and clear of the party scene.
During my freshmen year in college I was recruited into the fraternity scene and for the first time in my life felt it difficult to turn down peer pressure. In a new and intimidating city and college scene I fell hard for the opportunity to fit in and have a dependable place and group to call home. During my first year in the fraternity alcohol became a regular thing on the weekends. Every weekend night, including Thursday, was spent drinking 12-18 beers at the fraternity house and trying to meet as many people as possible. This meant other males to fit in with and females to look cool in front of and impress. Within no time I figured out that, although alcohol was fun and cool, marijuana was much more attractive to me due to its ability to be used during the day and still function somewhat and the lack of a nasty mental and physical hangover.
Shortly after falling in love with marijuana I began to explore ways to get it cheaper and easier. Not long after my habit took off I began to sell marijuana to my “friends” in order to get it for free. After a year or so of selling weed I was introduced to the prescription pills Lortab and Xanax. A kid I sold weed to came to me with 100 of each and asked if I knew anyone who would want to buy them. It didn’t take me long to figure out a way to sell these pills and now get pills and weed for free. After selling pills for this friend, I discovered he was getting the pills from a pharmacy technician at a CVS in a nearby town. Shortly after that my manipulative brain cut this friend out of the equation and talked this pharmacy technician into stealing 1,000 of each a couple times a month. Within no time I was making thousands of dollars a month and had all of the marijuana, OxyContin, Lortab and Xanax I could ever want along with a couple thousand dollars on a debit card in my wallet.
After several years of this lifestyle I had nothing to show for it but an incredible drug tolerance, two failed relationships, a dead friend and a city full of pill addicts. These terrible situations did nothing but further my addiction, as I sought any way possible to escape, numb the feelings of guilt, feed my addiction and prevent withdrawal.
I soon dropped the opiates and turned to the more powerful numbing drug Xanax. Little did I know this would be the drug I would not be able to kick. After battling anxiety and depression, caused both by predisposed genetic disorders as well as my extensive drug use, I found Xanax to be my wonder drug. Everything about Xanax seemed too good to be true, and the feeling while on the drug was better, stronger and more euphoric than anything I had experienced.
After graduating college I returned home to my parents and brought with me a diploma and an incredibly high Xanax addiction. Not long after returning home I was notified that I had a state indictment in my name in the town I went to college in for selling to an undercover officer. After turning myself in my $15,000 lawyer managed to turn my 4 felonies into 2 years probation. Upon learning that my probation did not require drug testing I quickly dove back into my drug addiction.
A year into my addiction, this past July of 2013, I became sick and disgusted with where my life had gone. I realized my Xanax tolerance had become so high the amount I had to take in order to feel the way I wanted to feel made me so messed up that I was extremely embarrassing and disgusting to others. My daily mental obsessions with obtaining and using had finally made me sick and brought me to my knees with tears. After a year of trying to quit on my own 20 plus times I finally surrendered and accepted I needed professional help.
On July 23, 2013, I took my last dose of seven Xanax bars (14mg) and turned myself in to a detox facility. Today I have been sober a very short 28 days and have begun to feel major positive changes in my life. For the first time since childhood I have a very real spiritual connection with my higher power, Jesus Christ. My depression and anxiety have been removed from my mind, and I am finally starting to learn who I am as a person. Drugs took everything away from me. Today I know that I am fine with myself just the way I am, and I am honestly happier than I have been in seven years. All I did to create this for myself was surrender to my addiction, get on my knees and ask God for help and go to support group meetings regularly.
To anyone reading this who has had a similar story and is in the beginning stage of recovery: I know it sounds cliche, but it truly works. The first step for me was admitting I could no longer fight this battle and surrendering to the disease. After opening The Book and reading it with willingness I was able to find my higher power. After finding my higher power I truly wanted support from my recovery program and saw it as my only option, my last resort. And after attending meetings and seeing other recovering alcoholics I believed what they had to say, that it worked for them.
I know it can sound intimidating, corny, cliche and unrealistic, but it truly does work. I believe that everything that has happened in the last 28 days has been God working miracles in my life and doing for me what I could not do for myself. After witnessing these “miracles” my faith in God was intensified, because, like someone told me early in recovery, you will not hear God speak to you, yet once you pray things will happen in your life that are impossible to credit to anyone or anything other that God. These things I call miracles, and these miracles are what make my relationship with my higher power stronger every single day.
After all, there’s no way I could be sober for 28 days on my own. God bless.