- Alcohol
During my first months with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), ignorance and differences of opinion were great. After reading the steps, you notice that AA sounds like a religious association with its talk of experience, power and hope, inner repentance, God and carrying out the message. These terms and phrases have been the cause of these differences of opinion.
I was certain AA was some sort of religious sect, but I had no other choice: It was AA or death. I went to my first meeting while I was beginning withdrawal symptoms. This meeting left me shocked but hopeful. The members didn’t looked as I had expected. They dressed nicely, looked good and could laugh. Those men and women showed me that I could stop drinking. My sense of hope grew stronger, but I was still skeptical. I thought I knew everything and that I was the best. One member said that we couldn’t drink, and I said to the man next to me, “I can drink everyone here under the table.” That man answered, “You totally cannot drink. Men that can drink don’t need help and don’t come to AA.”
AA members do not live in shame. They name a cat a cat, do not hide their problems and speak freely about their lives and how they live with and through the AA program. Their experiences are worth more than gold for new members. While scientists are working to find the causes of addiction, every AA member knows the seven reasons to drink: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday… We AA members are not anti-alcohol, and we do not hate alcohol, but we readily admit we cannot handle it. We compare alcoholism to an allergy. The drinker has no control over his or her consumption, and once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. AA tells us there is no cure and tells us we have to learn how to live with our illness and solve our problems for ourselves.
If you cannot go to a pub and stop drinking after three pints, there may be something wrong. Only by recognizing alcoholism can we remain in life and beat the bottle. Our lust for alcohol is murderous, but recovery is not. AA is not a gloomy community; it is a particularly cheerful community. There is laughter, friendship and hugs, and, in our group, we greet each other with a kiss. Tears do also flow, both of joy and for the years suppressed by alcoholism. The source of this joy of living and gladness is the higher power each AA member is asked to define for him or herself.
AA groups provide training grounds and an honest mirror. During my first meetings, I had to remind myself to respect the opinions of others. I thought the need to believe in a god was rubbish, but I heard stories that affected me emotionally. How did I interpret the stories? How did I take up their enthusiasm? I was coming from a place of solitude that resulted from my drinking, but I felt secure with the group. I felt the pleasant warm feeling that alcohol could no longer give me. I was no longer alone. I was connected, and I had companions. I was part of the group. I could not stop drinking alone, but I succeeded with the help of other AA members. At first I saw the group as my higher power, but I had learned that God was infallible, and John, Marie and Louis had all relapsed. The group was not infallible, so it could not be a higher power.
No new member to AA has to say who he is, what he is, what he does or where he lives. He does not undergo any acceptance rituals or listen to any sermons, and there are no forms to fill out. There are no oaths and no fees. All a new member has to do is show up. That is enough for the other members. This acceptance without conditions is liberating. New members begin their experience with AA by seeing openness, cordiality, honesty and calmness.
AA members talk about dark periods where they had debts, felt alone or were in hospitals or prison. They also talk about everyday issues like insomnia, boredom, children, aging, perfectionism and sexuality. There is nothing that cannot be discussed in an AA meeting, but we avoid political and religious themes out of respect for everyone’s personal convictions. There will always be opposing views, and I held these when I first heard I must lay my life in God’s hands. How and where must I that?
I was going to leave AA, but I finally met the right person in the right place. A member listened to my problem and said she would help me. She gave me a book for atheist AA members. It is not accepted as official AA literature, but it saved my and many others’ lives. I was able to begin the 12 steps of AA. The “God” business no longer disturbed me, as I finally had a higher power. I had the steps.
The word “alcohol” only enters the 12 steps in the first step. The remaining steps show the way to recovery. The 12 steps contain no laws or commands; they are suggestions based on the experiences of the first AA members. Every AA member is free to interpret and use the program as they will, but alcoholics must reach their bottom before they will be willing to change. This inner “bottom” leads to capitulation, and after you give in to your disease, everything is simpler. Questions disappear and you are left with the option to either live or die. There are no more whys or excuses. There is changing and no longer drinking, or there is continuing with addiction. We reward ourselves by living sober and being an example for others.
I can say with pride that on June 28, 2013, I am 31 years sober thanks to the AA program. The people who were once “members” are now my friends. We are there for each other 24 hours a day. The support, hope and power that radiate from a group still seem magical. We accept each other as we are, and we respect everyone’s personal opinions and convictions. Thanks to the AA program and the friends I made through it, I learned human values: honesty, humility, respect, appreciation, gratitude, caring for the feelings of others and finding the joys of living.
If you are addicted, recovery is possible. You can live a life without alcohol. You can be happy and have fun.