- Alcohol
Heroes in Recovery? I am not a hero, “I am just a drop of rain in the sea but without it the sea would be less” (Mother Teresa).
Born breach and squalling, the first steps out of my mother’s womb were the beginning of a world filled with chaos, confusion, guilt, shame, anxiety and anger, but most importantly fear and pride. Most of these obstacles would have to be overcome for me to live a “normal” life, a life of serenity, which I believe is what we all want. For me it would take 53 years of facing each challenge, each step being even more painful than the one before.
Conquering each level of pain brought a little more peace and eventually real happiness. My quest has been a never-ending process but each step has brought greater fulfillment, although the trauma that was my life later led to alcoholism and drug abuse. I suppose I could have chosen the easy way out and continued that addictive lifestyle, hiding the root cause of my self-abusive behavior, never disclosing my dark secret. Instead I have chosen the painstaking steps which have allowed the misery that was once my life to slowly release, as I became willing to divulge the truths buried so deeply within.
I was the oldest of 6 children and 33 grandchildren and, being the first-born male of the next generation, I was looked upon as the one who set the example for others to follow. This expectation was very obvious in the way I was raised, as if all eyes were watching me. I learned very early on that I was to be seen and not heard. If I did not comply with the rules of the house then corporal punishment would be applied. However, my issue was I did not feel as if I was male, rather I was born female. I was trapped inside the body of a man and did not know how to get out. So, I lived my adolescent and adult life as if I was male, dressing as a female whenever I could. The first time I took a drink at age 13 it allowed me to release the fears of being trapped. I could be myself in my own mind. My sponsor tells me it’s the ultimate pain: not feeling comfortable in your own skin. This was the beginning of the progression of drinking alcohol for the next 40 years, and as time grew so did the quantity of alcohol.
After being married twice and fathering three children and raising two step children, I reached a crossroads in my life. I felt so lost and confused and just wanted to die. So I pulled out a 9mm Ruger and placed it to my head and applied pressure to the trigger. Zeb, my black Labrador retriever, raced up the steps and looked at me with his big brown eyes as if saying, “What are you doing? What would happen to me, your best friend?” I just could not kill myself. So, I made a decision to be rather than not to be, to live a truthful life and disclose my innermost truth.
I discussed being female with my parents and siblings and was rejected by the family. I was told to never set foot on my parent’s property again if I was female. I allowed this event to consume me and cried out all I want is, “for you to love and accept me.” Since this did not happen, I increased my use of alcohol to mask the pain, and when offered crack cocaine I readily accepted its feeling of not caring. This downward spiral totally changed my life of looking for acceptance in the wrong places. It led me to the streets of Richmond, VA and then to hanging out with those with no morals or character.
It was only through divine intervention and an out-of-body experience in which I cried out for help to my higher power. I received that help in the form of two hospital detoxes and finally 83 days at my treatment center. I think that having a gender reassignment surgery date of August 7, 2008 and missing this event and going to rehab saved my life. During treatment the fog lifted and I got over my anger of being there. I started to hear a couple of things about one day at a time, the stories of those who relapsed and the difficulty of returning to the program. The digging of a new bottom caught my attention, as I had very little room left. My next stop would be jail or death. Initially it was not my plan to stay in the program but to get out and control my drinking. I learned that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. So I stayed in treatment, letting my house and job fall by the wayside, only to reinvent myself, work my program and have gender reassignment surgery. I had to get away from triggering people, places and things in the beginning and attend meetings to stay sober.
I learned to fill the hole in my heart with love for myself. I did not have control over what other people thought. All that I could do was to clean up my side of the street, trust God and help others. Today I have 5 years of sobriety which started with inpatient treatment. I have worked the 12 steps more than a couple of times and rely on steps 3, 6, 7 and 11 on a daily basis. I have to start my day with positive thinking and connecting with my higher power. I know that, if I begin to resent other people, places and things, I have to stop and do a quick step 10, because it means that there is something wrong with me and my thinking. This helps me stay in check with my emotions and feelings. I sponsor four people and have learned the greatest gifts come from helping others. Be of My Higher Power’s work and My Higher Power will be of my work.