- Drugs
My name is Kevin. People say you cannot be born an addict. Well, I was. As when my dear departed father was at sea, my mother would be pumping speed, coke and valium into her body. The sad part is my dad didn’t know a thing. We were a poor family from the east end of London, but we kids were happy playing in the old bombed out buildings. We lived in just two rooms. One was for sitting and the other had a curtain down the middle so the four boys could sleep in one bed with my parents on the other side. There was no bath, so we would go to a bathhouse, but we had an outside toilet.
After a few years, my dad had saved up enough to house us properly. This was the beginning of the end. Dad left the merchant navy and got a job in a bank, so mother couldn’t go on her drug binges. This was great since then she didn’t have mood swings where she would beat me with a lump of wood. I remember I used to hide behind the settee just so she never knew where I was.
Three years went past and she just up and left. My dad took us on. I was the only kid from a single parent family whose dad was the one at home. Now when I got older, I realized how much he gave up as he was a young man. I really started to act up, and by the age of 14 my dad could not cope with me. He would be at work from 5am to 7pm so he wouldn’t walk in till 9pm. The only option was to put me in a home, but I ran away from there and at age 15 I was in an adult prison awaiting to be allocated to a borstal.
One day while I was in there, there was a guy next to me sitting at the visitor table awaiting his visit. To my surprise, my mother walked in to see him. She was bringing in drugs to him and she ended up marrying him. Being young and impressionable, I thought this was a good thing. This went on until I was released, when I went to live where they were. I had nowhere else to go. Within weeks, we would all be injecting speed, coke and barbs together.
I wanted more so I left and ended up with a heroin habit. I always thought I was in control but I wasn’t. I ended up on a methadone maintenance prescription. I was addicted to coke, crack, valium and nitrazepam. Even in prison I was never taken off methadone or valium so I was still in the same state of mind every time I left prison. Even as people around me were dropping like flies, I thought that wouldn’t happen to me. I was shot one day, but that still didn’t change me. If you aren’t ready to stop, you won’t. I had been addicted to all of the above for over 30 years.
Then a few months ago, I just had enough so I tried to overdose, but I woke up. I cried like a baby. I had never used Facebook before but I knew one person on there so I contacted him. Within hours, I had so many words of wisdom and courage that got me through. Since that night, I’ve not used heroin, pills, alcohol or coke. Now I’m reducing my dosage of methadone. I’ve never been a kind person. I was the one who saw kindness as a weakness. Being in prison for 20 years may has made me that way. But now I try to be humble and kind. I even did volunteer work. When my dad died, I slipped back big time but I’ll be volunteering again soon since I’ve got lots of qualifications in the drug and alcohol field. As an addict, I would say it was raining when it was sunny. The only person who was lied to was me. I have had to learn about being humble since I used to be a person who was not to be messed with. I have had to make so many amends, I should be called Earl. I see kindness as a weakness no more. I’ve got so much to learn that I’m scared of who I’ll be. This is the hardest journey I’ve ever set foot on, but this geezer doesn’t give up.
I wrote my life story but left a lot out as I have never had to face my demons before. I would say to anyone who wants to share, that you should do it in a safe environment as it brings up things we’d rather forget. Once I got into injecting, I got what we call “needle happy.” I would inject into my neck using a mirror. It got to the point where I would be sitting on the floor crying as I needed to find a vein so badly. It could take up to an hour. Please don’t go down the road I went down. It got me to the point of no return. If you haven’t got there yet, I promise you will if you don’t stop now. I thought I would never inject. I thought I would never be an addict. Well, I’m sitting here as an addict. I’ve stopped using the pills, coke, heroin and alcohol, but now the hardest thing is the methadone. Slowly but surely, I’m reducing my use of it. By no means is this easy. I cry all the time over silly things. I have not had emotions for 30+ years, so they’re flooding out. All I want to say is don’t do what I did.
With heroin as my crutch, I lost a home, spent 20 years in prison and missed half my life. Do you people want that? I’ve become humble and honest. Remember to use the rooms of 12 steps groups. Don’t let the rooms use you.
Kevin M.