- Friends & Family
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- Other Addictions
I was born on December 2, 1999, in Nevada. When I was eight months old, my family moved to Central California because of my dad’s job. After a few years in California, my dad stopped working. When I was six years old, my parents got divorced. It was pretty rough on my three siblings and me to adapt to the court-decided visitations with each parent.
After my parents’ bankruptcy and my dad’s job loss, we moved from hotels, to apartments, and eventually into a few different houses. We got by with help from food stamps and other low-income support systems, but I felt ashamed of the process. The trauma of my parent’s divorce, the court trials, the constant moving (over 22 times), the psychological conditions and addictions my parents endured, the unstable environments, the new figures in my life, and the unhappiness in my life really affected me.
My parents have struggled with all kinds of addictions and behaviors that included alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. My mom’s recovery started after the divorce with my dad, and she got remarried in 2010 to a man she met in a recovery meeting. My new step dad, James, was introduced to our family as a blessing; he provided love, trust, income, and security. My biological father, on the other hand, struggled with income, trust, security, and structure.
After my childhood traumas, I went through middle school with angst and depression. Since depression and addiction were in my genes, I guess I was prone to feel drawn toward it at one point or another. Although, it was (and still is) a very treacherous process, I am working very hard to recover, just like my mother did.
In June 2013, I was hospitalized for an eating disorder. I was very sick; my organs were shutting down, I had lost 40 pounds within a few months, and my heart was barely beating. I didn’t try to hurt myself on purpose. Eating disorders manifest themselves in so many ways, and for me, I was addicted to the high I got from the self-control that everybody wanted and lacked.
I couldn’t stop when it started. It was a pact I made to myself; I had to be “a perfect” eater. I had to show everyone that I could do things they couldn’t. I wanted to be that girl that everyone adored for working hard. The manipulative thinking led me to extreme depression, anxiety, and withdrawal.
I was a soccer addict up until this unhealthy addiction took its spot. I was admitted into the hospital for treatment and released three weeks later. The impatient therapy was eye-opening to me. I realized that I needed to stop what I was doing or it was literally going to affect the rest of my life, if not kill me. I began an outpatient program that summer and am currently still enrolled with my same therapist and nutritionist.
A lot has changed since my anorexic behaviors began. I blocked my father out of my life, ended up quitting soccer, worked more in school, joined cross country, and got all new friends. I was fighting hard to get back to my old, happy self, and I managed to achieve a lot through recovery. I managed to get straight A grades, amazing best friends, a passion for running, and genuine happiness. I was living what I thought to be a blessing-filled life, up until recently.
In the beginning of the year, I had my first surgery after a bad tooth infection. It affected my track season and I began to grow pretty upset that I was no longer performing at my best. When summer began, I worked my butt off to get myself back to being a good cross country runner. Toward the end of summer, after an accomplished start to amazing training, I woke up with stomach pain and ended up getting an appendectomy. Little did I know that this appendectomy would affect the rest of my life.
I was only out for about a week after surgery because I wasn’t patient enough to wait any longer. I ran crazy amounts of mileage to make sure the surgery didn’t make me lose my running abilities that I regained that summer.
After running crazy mileage so close to post-surgery, I ended up fracturing my hip. I couldn’t admit, until now, that my fractured bone was actually caused by malnutrition.
This summer was rough for my family, which included a great deal of fighting and a family member’s drug relapse and a relapse in nutrition for myself. I didn’t restrict food, but in fact did the exact opposite. I lost all control of myself and couldn’t take the pain anymore.
I just finished another round of treatment. This treatment was residential, which was quite different. I came in with such a positive attitude. With 28 days in treatment, I gained a lot of insight on myself. I am very resilient and strong, and I am in control of my own happiness. I was a positive role model for the other patients and myself. I have helped three other friends, outside of my own treatment, recover from eating disorders, and it is now my time to help myself once again.
I have so many supporters, including my parents, my coaches, and my best friends. There were many difficult things through my fight to recover, but for sure there were positive things as well.
Through my eating disorder, I brought my family closer together, developed a better relationship with my father, found my best friend in the entire world, found a healthy stress reliever, and helped others recover from their own eating disorders as well.
I tell my story only to inspire others. I hope to encourage people to keep fighting through rough times. Coming out of depression can be very difficult and seem almost impossible, but I can promise it is not impossible. I am a perfect example that an eating disorder, or depression, or a bad relationship doesn’t have to stay with you for the rest of your life; in fact, it doesn’t even determine who you are or how people see you. Who you are is who you were born as, not who you try to be. Work hard at anything you do because life is worth fighting for, even if the fight is against yourself.