- Drugs
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
Drugs and alcohol ran wild in my entire family; I was not an exception. I used multiple substances to get through each day before I got sober in August, 2014. My drug of choice was crack cocaine, but I also used marijuana and I drank. Today, I am 53 years old and live in Portland, Oregon, as a single woman with my 33-year-old daughter, who I raised.
Although some people don’t see it as a gateway drug, marijuana was my first real drug.
I started using marijuana at the age of 12, followed by alcohol at 15, and crack at 19. First, it was all fun and games, but by the time I turned 25, I realized it was a real problem. By that time, I was selling drugs to support my heavy use.
My cousin introduced me to 12-step meetings and I stayed clean for about 17 months before I relapsed for the first time. Years of relapse and struggling followed with every hardship in my life, but I never gave up trying. In 1995, I made it to treatment for the first time. After that, I knew how to stay clean and sober, but I just had to remember to use the tools that were given to me. I volunteered at several sober community functions to stay connected and my goal was to reach two years of sobriety to become eligible to work at a treatment facility nearby. I made it to the goal and my job, because I was very engaged in all kinds of sober community activities, as well as conventions, retreats, and more to strengthen my recovery.
Severe back problems forced me to resign from my job, and I had to go on strong narcotics like Vicodin, oxycodone, and Percocet to even be able to walk. I was afraid to go on other drugs as my doctors suggested, because I had seen what they did to my mother, who was a heroin addict.
I ended up on morphine. I was only using as prescribed and not abusing the drugs or using others. After nine years of sobriety, I found myself waiting on disability, with a broken relationship in front of me. I packed my belongings and trudged to a shelter in Vancouver for six weeks.
Finally, my disability, a settlement and more blessings came true and I could start my life again. At that moment I was clear, that I didn’t want to be financially destitute ever again; I wanted financial security. I became a sober dealer– I was selling drugs, but not using them.
I got caught, but was admitted to a program like drug court to get my record expunged again after a year. I went through that program while selling drugs. I relapsed the night before my graduation from drug court. I graduated the next morning high—no one knew. I became the poster child of drug court– my story was even in the local paper, but it was all a lie. I was living a lie. It was hard, and I never felt good about it. I believe that’s why it all came down on me.
I was arrested a year later driving under the influence and admitted then to the court that I had already relapsed the night before my graduation. I wasn’t working on my recovery. By selling drugs, I was working on my disease. When I was selling, I stopped engaging in the sober community, but it was still nothing but a lie and just another way to live without my morals and values.
I was charged with a felony, went to jail again, got to treatment again, and had drugs waiting at home in my closet. I told myself I would sell them when I get home. This was all I knew to do. I didn’t finish my education because I got into my old trouble. I was getting high less than 24 hours after I returned home from treatment.
The next trip to jail was supposed to last nearly four months. On the fifth day, I got on my knees and asked God to help me. I asked God to put a shield around me to protect me from drugs, people seeking drugs, people offering drugs, and all that comes with it.
That shield came in form of an enhanced supervision program after I got out of jail. I had a GPS monitor, moved out of my apartment, and put my belongings into storage I stayed in a sober living community with single room occupancy, I participated in outpatient therapy, and was under intense monitoring. It was successful for me. I have not used since.
I go to treatment facilities to tell my story today, because I remember vividly how similar people came to me to tell me about their experiences, strength and hope. I’m a secretary at a 12-step meeting, and stay connected to the people in the sober living home. I’m overweight and go to weight loss and nutrition classes at the moment, and I participate in water aerobics to ease my back problems. I had three back surgeries. I will never be perfect due to nerve damage, but I can get better. I want to get healthy and well. I hope to eventually become a peer support mentor.
I’m not only clean and sober today, I’m an active member of my 12-step fellowship and my recovery community today. I established and maintain multiple relationships with other people in recovery. Today I don’t have an obsession to use anymore. I sometimes have the urge to go back to “money”, which I consider my primary problem. As long as I stay the course with God and my fellowship, I can accept what I have and be comfortable with what I have. I may have had more money in my past life, but I have more happiness living clean and sober.