- Drugs
Submitted by Nate, Heroes in Recovery Lead Advocate
I accidentally became addicted to crystal meth one day. It was quite the misstep. My life was taken in a totally new direction (that direction would be down) at a very rapid pace. However, today, almost eight years into recovery, I’m very grateful for the crooked path I’ve traveled.
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t quite so sudden, but my addiction snuck up on me, much like it seems to for others in recovery. I didn’t start drinking or using anything until I was about 17 years old. From what I understand, this makes me a “late-bloomer,” especially for someone who got sober so young. I was ferociously involved in sports and extracurricular activities in high school. I made great grades and I was an excellent athlete. In my junior year of high school, I went through a series of trials. My parents came close to divorce, I had an emergency surgery to remove a lump from my breast which was thought to be breast cancer, and my boyfriend and best friend decided to leave me suddenly on Valentine’s Day. I was certainly not equipped to deal with the whirlwind of emotions that followed. I was introduced to certain drugs and alcohol, and these things pulled me out of depression and helped me to continue functioning.
What’s different about me and about other high school students that experiment with drugs and alcohol was that I COULD NOT STOP. I smoked pot daily from age 17 until I got sober at 22. I drank and used recreational drugs almost every day of the week. I was randomly introduced to crystal methamphetamine (“Tina,” as we called it then) at a party. After one use, I had to have more, and I quickly became psychologically dependent. My relationships and activities began to shift until everything in my life supported my better-living-through-chemistry philosophy. My personality even began to change. When responsibilities knocked at the door, and when the pressure of partying and keeping it all together collided, I found myself powerless to make healthy choices. I found my mind and logical outlook completely hijacked. What I didn’t know then, that I know very intimately now, is that I’m an addict.
The spiral downward is something that does not need to be described here. All you need to know is that I fell so deep into the rabbit hole that it took a village of people and some Divine Intervention to fish me out. I attended four treatment centers in four years. I ruined reputations and opportunities galore. As I said before, the road was long and dark and winding. But luckily, I made it out alive. I can’t say the same for some people I met along the way.
I began my journey of recovery in March of 2005. I was 22 years old and terrified that my “life” was over. (My life consisted of having fun, so really I thought I would never have fun again.) I moved to a new city and began life all over again. I made new friends and was taught how to live again by the loving people in 12-step programs. I learned that I could go back to college and excel in what I do. I began pursuing my passions and hobbies that I had all but forgotten. I learned how to go out dancing and out to parties without using and drinking. (Definitely something you have to be taught! Dancing while sober is an art form.) As the years have progressed, I’ve found much more wonder and excitement in my sober life than I ever did with the help of hallucinogens. There were things that I was looking for in drugs and alcohol that I would have never found. I craved purpose, love, connection and value. I wanted to know myself, My Creator and my universe as deeply as I could. I wanted to feel needed and appreciated. I wanted to matter and to make the world better. I also wanted to enjoy myself deeply while doing these things. Only in recovery have I found what I was looking for.
It took time to adjust to such a drastic idea and to so many changes. Getting sober is hard, very hard. Staying sober is easier. The great news about this journey, should you care to join, is that you never have to do it alone. While in my addiction, I often found my world shrinking. In recovery, my world and the people in it only seem to expand. Last year I married my best friend, a very handsome man whom I love deeply. I have a lovely home and loving relationships with my friends and family. I have a career that stimulates me and challenges me to grow and to be a better person. I feel content that I have a purposefully driven and exciting life. Most importantly, I’m intimately acquainted with a very important part of myself, my addict self, who with the right amount of daily attention, will remain quietly inside me, not disturbing anything or anyone. Today, my addiction is a part of my past, and only a piece of who I am. It’s a pretty interesting piece, but it’s still only a piece.