- Alcohol
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Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
When I got sober in 1995, I stayed sober for six months. I chose to drink again. I say “chose”, because no one forced me to drink again. I wanted to. This was the experience that happened to me the week I went back to drinking:
I was drinking and I could not stop. I felt miserable and I was back with my ex-husband, who was abusive. I would not leave because I was afraid, and because I was too deep into that lifestyle.
I looked into the mirror and saw death in my eyes. I wanted to end my life. I went to a park and I cried. Actually, I was yelling like a crazy woman. I started to pray. I was on my knees at the park, praying, and asking for help. I was not a pretty sight to see. I said, “God help me!” I was so tired of my life that I was to the point where I would do whatever I had to do to stop drinking. I had to let go and let God take over.
A couple of days after that, I was back at that same park. I saw a homeless lady walking with a dog and a man with a cart. I had never seen her before. I was sitting under a tree. I was crying. she walked up to me and asked, “What is wrong? You look too young and too pretty to look so sad.” I said nothing. She smelled of beer and was very dirty. I did not know what was going on. I just cried. She told me that she was staying in the park in a trailer for three days and if I needed a place to stay, I could join her. She told me about herself. She was abused for fifteen years and she showed me that she had screws and pins in her l bones along with scars from being beaten.
She had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship and that things were going downhill fast. She did not know me. This lady had no teeth; they had all been lost from the beatings. She told me her life story. I grabbed her and hugged her and began to sob. I never liked to hug people or look into their eyes, but I did with this lady. I cried and cried while hanging on to her. I never did tell her I was being abused. I told her “I am ok.” She said, “Well if you need help meet me here tomorrow.”
The next day came but I did not go back to the park. Instead, I went and got help. I went back to the program in a women’s sober living home. I stayed there for five months, got sober, and found a job. I am sober to this day.
I believe that God sent her to talk to me in the park. I believe that this homeless lady was my angel. I truly believe that God used her to help me. I did not know where that lady went as she was walking off that day; I watched her walk away but I did not see her turn away. I just saw her disappear like an angel. I am so grateful for that lady. I have gone back to that park a few times to see if my angel was still in the park. I go wishing I could see her again to hug her and thank her for saving my life. I have been sober since. To this day, I believe that God sent her to save my life. I believe she is my mirror image. I believe that if I drink and go back to my old lifestyle, I will be that homeless lady I met at the park.
I feel that God uses all different people to help His children. Who knows, you may be talking to your angel today. I ask God that His angels direct us all. As I think back in my life, I realize that God has been walking with me every step of the way. I have met people in my past who have helped me. I just did not have my eyes or ears open to see and hear what was in front of me. I believe that I need to listen to God not just talk to Him.
This program of recovery is a process. If I think I have it, and “so-called” graduate, then I am “egotistical” and I am asking for “big” trouble. The reason I bring this up is because I have seen so many people go out and drink, use drugs, and ruin their lives over this, and die. I almost did. We get this idea that we have the recovery process down pat, then we think we are cured. We begin to think we can drink one drink. “Think the drink through.” play the tape in your head about the last drunk you had, before you act on thoughts of drinking.
People in the fellowship introduced me to a Higher Power, which I call God. Some people don’t accept this kind of help, but I did. I am blessed that we have recovery for people who need it. The world has help for people who want it. We just have to be open and willing to accept this help if we are alcoholic. God is with us every step of the way. The twelve steps are helping me in every aspect of my life.
I thank God for the 12 steps because in 2004 I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called lupus. I am sober because of the 12 steps, and because of that I am able to live with Lupus in peace. Lupus has attacked my joints, muscles, memory, and liver. I have been homebound in a wheel chair for over five years now. I won’t go in to too much detail, but because of a loving God I am able to help others who live with the same problems I have. Attitude is what life is all about. Changing our attitude changes the way our life is. God so loved the world, that He gave the world you. I wish you peace and joy and sobriety one day at a time. But most of all I wish you God.