- Alcohol
A little about myself is that I just celebrated 30 years in AA in June of this year! I remember standing in my kitchen, very new in recovery, thinking how in the world am I not going to drink? I had an obsession with alcohol and, when I started out in my drinking, if more things were available I would have been right into it. I took a few other things but my drug of choice was alcohol.
I grew up in a strict, catholic, dysfunctional alcoholic home with 5 girls and two boys. I had no tools or guidelines to live by as a kid and not many in the family paid any attention to me. I lived right next door to the catholic school I went to with the nuns. The nuns had no use for me, and if you were blond, had money, and were smart, you got attention. With my big brown eyes, I looked like I was full of crud up to those big brown eyes! I felt like the homeliest, stupidest kid around. So you can see I didn’t like who I was from the get go.
I did hear from the nuns about a thousand times that if I didn’t confess my sins to the priest I was going to hell. I would confess the small sins and the little ones, but not the bigger ones. So I figured if I was going to hell, anyway, I might as well go whole hog! I played around with alcohol as a young teen and moved from Maine to Connecticut, where my father worked at a naval base as a welder on submarines. My mother had died while in Connecticut and, right away, no church, no more God. I didn’t ever want to hear it again.
I partied with friends and I wanted to be happy so I looked for someone that would make me happy (today I realize no one can make you anything). I hooked up with a guy from Istanbul, Turkey who was a lot older than me. He was 36 and I was 19 years old. We had nothing in common, he just was really handsome. We moved to Philadelphia where I found some new found friends. Some were women and some navy men. I started going to different bars and the cops were right behind me as I was under age. They never caught up with me and I moved on with these new found friends.
I went with a few of the women to Norfolk, Virginia to meet guys we knew on ships. I worked in a bar under the table using a pseudonym and calling myself Pat, as I was under age. I partied pretty hard. One of the guys I had met got out of the service and went home.
This guy wanted me to go with him, but I wanted to stay and party. After he had gone home, I realized I was pregnant with his baby and called him. He didn’t believe me as I didn’t tell him I was already married and separated. I didn’t even tell him my real name. So I head back to Maine where I know the area. The very first boyfriend I had when I was sixteen in Connecticut came to Maine and took me back with him to Connecticut.
During this very first pregnancy I didn’t drink, but two weeks after I had the baby this guy and his friend went on some islands considered New York State and broke into a camp. They were sent to the State Prison in Ossining, a.k.a. Sing Sing. Here I come back to Maine with no education, low self-esteem and a new baby boy. I worked in a bar on the waterfront and partied.
By the time I was 23 I was drinking every day! I met another guy, of course, he was a real jerk. I think he still is today, but who knows. Anyway, I got pregnant and drank every day. A lot wasn’t said in those days about being pregnant and drinking or, if it was said, I didn’t hear and it wouldn’t have made a difference. When I started drinking, I never liked the taste, only the effect. I got rid of this guy and had the baby.
Two weeks after having this baby girl I was put in the hospital because I couldn’t bend my fingers, feed my kids or do anything with my hands. My right knee was all swollen up also. I’d be in the bar popping pain pills along with drinking my beer. The doctors asked me if I drank or smoked. I said no when I had been drinking every day and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. They didn’t ask me if I lied a lot, which I did a lot of that.
After a time I met someone else from the Philippines. He was on submarines and we married and lived in Charleston, South Carolina where he would go to sea six months at a time. I, of course, found some new found friends to drink with and started partying and going to bars. One night, coming out of a bar with another woman who was driving a 1965 Mustang, we were going 70 miles per hour down a lonely road when I heard what sounded like a gunshot. The tire blew out and the car went out of control. When I saw the telephone pole coming at us I tried grabbing the wheel, but that’s what it means when a car is out of control. I had no control at all! She didn’t get a scratch on her and my head hit the dash and then I fell between the bucket seats.
When conscious, I begged her not to leave me on that lonely road. When the cops showed up they told her to get rid of the beer cans in the car because if I died she would be charged with manslaughter. That didn’t teach me a lesson. Another night going out I left my two little kids and a neighbor’s two little kids with a sitter as the neighbor’s kids were spending the night. I come home from drinking and passed out on the couch with a cigarette. I woke up and went into the bedroom to pass out again, and the house was filling with black smoke. The curtains behind the couch were just about to burn and the neighbors kids woke to go get their mother next door. She got us all out. That didn’t teach me a lesson and I could have killed everyone.
The husband comes home and finds out about my new found friends and what I’ve been up to. He’s going to shoot me and I’ m going to shoot him. So that whole thing didn’t work out, so back to Maine where I met and married someone who worked for Budweiser. We lived in a mobile home in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
I told myself I’m sick of all these relationships and I’m going to get right with that catholic upbringing. So with my best little catholic girl idea I was going to change myself. I was going to teach Sunday school to little kids. That was a big disaster as I was drunk all the time and when I talked to the nuns I was half in the bag.
The relationship didn’t last long either. When you have low self-esteem you have a lot of mistrust and there’s a lot of jealousy and you throw them out then they’re in then out again. That gets old. On to party some more and I found another hostage. This guy was 19 years old, in the Coast Guard. I was 31 and life was still a party to me. He adopted both my kids I think one was 8 and the other 10 years old. We traveled around and in 1983 we were stationed in Forks, Washington.
Before all this, at 23, I was suicidal overdosing a couple of times and slitting both wrists. I was sick. I had a soul sickness. I didn’t know what that was. I knew I felt terrible all my life. One morning, I took a real good look in the mirror. That was the moment of clarity for me. I said to myself that something is wrong and it has to do with the way I drink. I read in the local paper if you need help to call such and such a number.
I called and the guy at the other end asked me if I was willing to go into detox. I said yes. The counselor I was talking with was also a recovering alcoholic. I went into detox and later went to this guy’s alcohol information school. It was a 30 day program. If anyone would have asked me to go into a 6 month, or yearlong in house treatment, I would have taken it. All the years of me running the show…everything went wrong. After the 30 day program the counselor gave me a graduation certificate. I’m thinking what do I do now? I had heard of 12-step programs but I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to tell people I was an alcoholic. I had a lot of shame.
I went and looked outside the building as I didn’t want the townspeople to see me going into an AA meeting. They all knew I was a drunk, I was in a bar every night. When I entered the meeting hall and saw a group of people who looked kind of happy I’m thinking what are they so happy about? I was miserable. I saw the different sayings on the wall: Keep coming back, one day at a time, live and let live, think.
My alcoholic mind is going a mile a minute at first. I’m thinking, “Oh there must be some good drinkers in here to go out with me”. Then I’m thinking, “Are you really an alcoholic?” Oh, I’m not as bad as they are, but the more I stuck around the more I realized I really was an alcoholic. I first found hope as I saw people’s lives change and said to myself maybe my life can change.
I was told to get a sponsor, someone who had what I wanted. I saw this Indian woman with 5 years sobriety, so I hinted around for her to be my sponsor. She told me if I called her at 2 in the morning I would be helping her more than she’s helping me. I said to myself how can she be helping herself when she’s helping me? I had no clue that when you help another human being you’re helping yourself. She got me involved in the meetings right away I was the set up person and made coffee. That gave me a responsibility to the group.
I got there early and read a lot of literature that was stored in a big trunk. Some books were called the golden books, others books were by Norman Vincent Peale. Norman says fake it till you make it. You hear that in the halls of AA. He also says if you want enthusiasm in your life, act enthusiastic. I still use those helpful tools in my life today. When I looked at the 12 steps I didn’t want to do them. I didn’t want to look at myself. I had a soul sickness and didn’t know what was wrong with me. I knew I felt terrible all my life.
There was a guy named Lenny that came around me in the meetings. He had this big book and he would go around with God this, God that. I told him to stay away from me, that I didn’t want to hear anything about God. When I look back it wasn’t a Bible, it was the program’s book. Well, very early in recovery I was at my meeting and my exact thought over 30 years ago is, “If God’s going to save me from picking up a drink I am going to get Him.” Not the God I grew up with, but a loving God that only wants good things for me. Some heavy duty stuff was going on with me where I didn’t see anything that would change the situation at all. I was home and got on my knees and said, “Please, God, help me. I don’t know what to do.” Within a half hour the whole thing changed.
Twice that happened to me in early recovery. That is when I started to believe in the power of prayer. Over half my life I had gotten on my knees in the catholic school and my God does not care if I’m on my knees, my head the roof, in church, or out of church. He’s with me and I feel it! He has never let me down and never will! When I come to in the morning I say, “Please, God, help me not to pick up a drink or a cigarette. Help me to eat right, get out of myself, and help another human being. Help me to have an attitude of gratitude for where I am today, and I ask for help for family and the people who are still struggling.”
I had to do the work. The 4th and 5th step made a big difference in my life. I had to get rid of the secrets I kept. I did a fifth step with a priest I had set an appointment with. I went in, did my thing, walked out, and went back the same day as I kept some secrets. I left and still kept a couple of secrets. That’s why they call them secrets. It’s the things you did and shove them into your self-conscious, only to keep coming up. As time went by I was in a group with 25 alcoholics working the steps together. The chairperson, Jack the marine, told the group, “Next time you do a fifth step get rid of anything you’re willing to take to your grave.”
I set up an appointment with some pastor and, while sitting in the waiting room as the pastor had someone before me, I was thinking you could get out of here and tell your group you did it. That was my alcoholic mind at work. Then I told myself you’re here, just do it. I did and when done the pastor say’s you don’t have to bring it up again. You’re forgiven. The hard part for an alcoholic to do is to forgive themselves. I had to look at it this way.
I believed in a higher power, so who was I not to forgive myself if I believed a higher power did? I forgave myself. I never saw this higher power. I don’t know what the higher power looks like. Could be a man, could be a woman I’d like to think. All I know is it’s not me and it works. I have to tell you about the lesson I learned when I had my last drink. I had three months sobriety and my husband was going on leave. He asked me to get him a case of beer. Should I? I was angry because the week before he asked for it he had gotten drunk. I felt like I had to keep my eye on him so he didn’t get in trouble with the law. I bought the beer, went home, put 2 six packs under the counter, two in the fridge, and less than 2 minutes I was in it and long gone. I went down to the local bar. Someone said call her sponsor, but if you’re determined you’re going to drink your sponsor can’t do anything.
So here I am at the local bar. The bartenders knew I stopped drinking but if I want a drink they’ll serve me. My son Damon was a senior in high school, on the wrestling team, and captain of the football team. This was right before he went into the Marine Corps. He comes to get me, of course I didn’t want to go. He picked me up put me over his shoulder took me home I was going to stab my husband he was choking me and this is what happened.
I woke up on the couch with the dry heaves. I was dehydrated had an ice bag over my head. I felt like I let everybody down in AA, including my sponsor. This is what I learned from that. That showed me that it didn’t get any better. When I drank I didn’t know if I’d end up in a hospital, jail, or the middle of the road. I just didn’t know. I have not had a drag out altercation or any other shoving, pushy type of thing with my husband since that last drink. My husband today is an encourager in my recovery; he does not drink, and he is a sweetheart! He probably is glad as can be that I go to meetings. I found myself! I once was lost. I’ve told other alcoholics, “Hey, look, I’ve paid my dues. I don’t owe anyone anything, but you know I owe Alcoholics Anonymous for the great life I have today.”
I have to do the foot work today: Prayer, meditation, focusing my day in the right direction, being thankful, being grateful, or helping others. I used to feel all alone in that boat, crying in my beer. I no longer am alone as there are people from all walks of life in my support group and this is where I found freedom. This is where the obsession left me. This is where I found hope and found God. I look at life a whole different way. I appreciate every single breath I take and all I have that money can’t buy!
Sincerely,
Pauline