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Hello, my name is Ramona, and I’m an addict. This is my story about my addictions and abuses that God helped me, overcome when sitting all by myself, in my very own private hell, and how I overcame them with my faith in my higher power, God.
I was the youngest out of four siblings. I thought I was raised in a normal environment, but apparently there was a lot of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse going on. Due to the fact, that I was the youngest, I wasn’t well-watched and got into lots of mischief. I thought I had a boring childhood, but only because the sexual abuse was happening and it wasn’t happening to me. My father was abusing my two half sisters for years and I was the only one in my family who didn’t know–on purpose. This is the point in my life where I made a big change to better myself, for both my parents burnt that ultimate betrayal of trust!
When I turned fourteen years old, I met this girl who I did my first line of speed with, smoked pot with, had my first cigarette with and cut school with. Yes, she was a bad influence, but she was my friend. Years later, she ended up being murdered when she was 21 years old, by her own brother.
I was married at that time to my first husband, Paul. We got married by eloping and coincidentally I was two months pregnant. I didn’t know that I was pregnant, either!
Paul was very abusive towards me. I met him when I was 17 and he was 19 yrs old. He pretty much molded my mind to fit his every need. Before that pregnancy, he pushed me into two abortions. I told him I wasn’t going to get rid of this baby! I kept the baby and named him after his father, Paul. Paul used to physically, abuse me a lot. To the point where I almost died. The scariest time was when Paul was choking me. He said my eyes rolled to the back of my head. He got scared and tried waking me back up to see if I was ok or not. I’ll never forget the bruise marks his hands left around my neck.
Yes, indeed, I had the battered-wife syndrome/sickness for years, until I had enough and ended the relationship. Paul had me hooked on cocaine, pot, and sometimes mushrooms/acid. I was about 27 years old when I finally cut him loose; even though we weren’t still together, I was there for him. I was his fool. I remarried two more times.
When I turned 30 years old, I received a letter from my sister. A few years back, she had moved to Idaho, with her husband and little girl. We weren’t ever close growing up, but in that letter my sister explained everything that had be going on in our family since we were kids. She wrote that my father molested her and my older sister for years in many forms of abuse. This woke my a*@ up!!! My mother knew about it, too! I just couldn’t believe it! My own parents! My mother raised me saying if anyone ever touches you, you come tell me asap! Then why didn’t she believe my sister when she told her? A lot of questions surfaced in my mind. I could no longer trust my own parents.
First thing I did–quit doing dope, so I could think straight. I ended up finding a way to go back to school and it took me three years to get my AS Degree in Legal Assisting/Paralegal. It took me a year to get college level in Math and English. But once I passed one semester, it made it that much easier to keep passing semesters. My GPA went from academic probation to a 3.78 by the end of three years, including summer school! I was so proud of myself. I did all that, all by myself! I had also taken a weight training class for three years straight. I was in the best shape of my life at the age of 33!
My inspiration was my sister. During the time I had gotten her letter and the time I graduated with my AS Degree, she had gotten brain cancer. She had an inoperable brain tumor as big as a grapefruit. My mother flew to Idaho, to take care of her because her husband just left her there in the hospital. Yes, my parents were abusive, but at least they came to rescue her and bring her home to die. She had to die in the same house that her abuser lived, but I was there everyday, by her side. I protected her from my father if she ever felt uncomfortable. My mother took care of her on a full time basis for two and a half years, until she passed away. Every day, after school, I would talk to her and her short term memory wasn’t so good, but her long term memory was still in tact. There were a lot of blanks filled in with answers from the questions I had. It made sense why certain things were like they were as we were growing up. Come to find out, my sister was just like me. We thought the same about a lot of things and that included how we felt about our family.
Then one day, one month after I had gotten myself a job, my sister passed away. It was on Memorial Day that year, May 31, 1999. It was a sad day.
I loved my sister so much and watching her life deteriorate those last two years of her life was VERY hard on me. Two months before she died, I admit, I ran away to my past and got high to escape my fear of letting her go. My life took a drastic change when I was 30 years old, but it was God, who made it all possible for me. I felt so guilty not being there for my sister–wondering if she needed me or not. All I could do is pray and ask God to forgive me for my sins. I put in my part and God put in His part. When my sister died, that very second–I felt her happiness. It was like she or God, gave me a glimpse of clarity! It was the most awesome feeling I ever felt in my whole entire existence ! I can’t explain it any better than that! And, I was not high, nor did I have to take drugs to feel it. I believe my sister saw God because she was, definitely, pure in heart.
Matthew 5:8
Happy are the pure in heart; they will see God!
I was the only one at her side who wasn’t crying. I was so happy that she was in no more pain! My father cried the hardest. I was daddy’s little girl. I did not see all this coming, but who does?
About a year later, I ran into my first husband, Paul. I shook his hand with a big smile on my face. He’s all, “why are you so happy?” And I told him this:
“Thank you, Paul, so much for treating me like s*%@ in the past!” He started getting mad and I told him, “No! Listen, please, don’t get mad!” Paul then gave me a look I’ll never forget–and I said to him, “you know what Paul?” He said, “what?” I said, “You will NEVER hit me again.” He then looked me straight into my eyes, and said, ” I know that, Ramona”.
It was a reality check for him. It felt good to tell him that and any man in my future who would think of trying to hit me. I knew that I was cured from a deadly sickness forever! Amen! I also found in my heart to learn how to forgive all those who hurt me and my sister, and most of all, learning how to forgive myself.
I am now 53 years old. I still have troubled times, but my faith is always strong in God. It’s hard when I see what’s going on in this world full of hate, lately. I am not ashamed to show my love for God, for He has shown me His love, when no one else has. God has protected me, when no one else has. My faith in God, is undying and the best thing I ever did in my life. I only hope that God will use me to teach those around me, to show them just how wonderful He is and how much He’s helped my life change for the better. I’m still yet to find my calling to serve the Lord. I could be doing it right now, for all I know. I often think of my sister and how hard she had it. She had a huge brain tumor and she didn’t ever do drugs, and there I was doing drugs with a perfectly normal brain and trying to kill it!
I’m having major back surgery in November, 2017, and if I pull through it–most likely–hopefully then, things will start looking up for me, physically. Please pray for my surgery to be a success and nothing less. I want and will strive to be a tool for God to use to make peace on Earth. If I don’t pull through it, then I hope my story helps someone out there to find God; even if it’s just one person. Thank you, for reading.