- Alcohol
- Faith
I have been in recovery a little over three years, after I reached a point in my life where there were only two directions to go. I was at that place where there was nothing left but God, and today I find that God is enough.
I found my way to 12-step meetings over twenty years ago, and I stayed sober for a year and a half at that time. Things were great, but then life started happening again, and I got away from the program. It took me twenty years to find my way back, and, when I did, it was because some magical things happened to me.
Usually when we tell our stories, we tell what it used to be like, what happened and what it’s like now, but I’m going to start out with what happened, and then I am going to go back to what it used to be like. In 2010 I was sitting in my living room, and I was at a point where everything that could be wrong was wrong. My home was in foreclosure, my girlfriend had just split and I had had my fourth heart attack in March. I was told that the only hope for me was a heart transplant, but I had to qualify financially and medically. I said, “You know what? I might as well just shutter this place, booze up and say goodbye.” I looked up and saw a picture of my kids and grandkids, and I knew I couldn’t do that. It was a low of a point in my life, and I’ve been through some low points.
That’s where I was, and now I want to go back and tell you how I got there. I was married at a young age. I was 18, and she was just barely 16. We ran off to Georgia and got married, as we were two kids in love, until reality came along. I started a business, and I did well, but I was so full of pride and ego. We wound up getting divorced, and that’s when I started partying. I didn’t go to college. I graduated high school and started working, and I figured I deserved to party, so I did it for ten years. It turned into really heavy drinking and some drug use. I always managed to work and keep a roof over my head and have a vehicle. I was functional but not really functional.
I met my second wife when I was 38 and we hit it off. We got married, but I was still active in my addiction. I thought, “Something’s wrong here, but I know it’s not me, it’s not what I’m doing.” It got bad enough to where I went to a 12-step meeting for the first time. I was afraid, and the only way I could go in is if I had some booze in me. I drank a six pack or so which was nothing for me, and I walked in. I thought they’d throw me out, but they said, “You’re in the right place, come here.” I had that spiritual feeling where you know, “This is home.”
I dove into recovery and started getting a lot better, but it didn’t fix everything. It didn’t fix my marriage or my other problems. I didn’t get to the underlying issues. I worked through the steps, but I never got to the real bottom line. I never formed a close spiritual bond with my higher power. I’m so big on spirituality for that reason. I believe that you are less likely to make it in recovery, if you don’t have a good spiritual program, or if you don’t do that program.
My son from my second wife was born in 1985, and, when he was three years old, I started getting these chest pains and pains running down my arm. I know my dad died young. He was an alcoholic gambler, and most of my brothers are addicts in one form or another, so you know it runs in families. I got checked out at a heart institute, and they told me I had a pinched nerve and sent me to a chiropractor to work on my neck. My pains were getting worse though, and one Friday night it felt was like I was in a vice. I went to the hospital, and they found that I had 90, 95 and 100% blockages in my 3 main arteries. The doctors said, “We don’t know how you made it, but you made it, and it only did a little bit of damage to your heart.” They did emergency bypass surgery, and they told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking, you’re not going to be around long.” I didn’t listen. I recovered and continued drinking and smoking. I had stents put in and a few additional heart issues, and I didn’t know what was wrong. I was certain I wasn’t an alcoholic, since the 12 steps didn’t work for me.
My wife and I divorced, but we reconciled and became friends and family again, and we did things as a family. She was a RN, and in 2001 we found out that she had stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain. We found out in August that she had some type of cancer, so we had an appointment early on September 11th. Her sister flew down. The doctor said, “You’ve got stage four cancer, and the only thing we can do is get you some radiation treatments.” It was a shock, and, while we were setting up the radiation appointment, we saw the second plane hit the twin towers. I thought I was in a nightmare. We went to lunch and watched the second building go down. It was unreal.
My wife was gone by November 30. Our son was 15 years old when that happened, and I have a handicapped stepdaughter whose world was her mom, so it was a very difficult time. We did the best we could do with the kids, but there was a lot of turmoil.
I had a couple minor heart attacks. I almost died in 2003, and I was on life support for ten days. They were doing what was supposed to be a low-risk procedure, but my heart was bleeding, when they sewed me up, so they had to go back in. I caught pneumonia, and they didn’t think I was going to make it, but He wasn’t done. I stopped smoking in 2006, as I just couldn’t take it anymore. I could hardly breathe. In 2003 they put a defibrillator in me, and in 2010, when I was walking my dog, I fell and knew I was being shocked and began to go into heart failure. When you go into heart failure, your lungs fill up with water, so it’s like drowning and getting shocked at the same time. Luckily I had my cell phone with me, or I wouldn’t be sitting here today.
I hit my bottom. I was looking at the picture of my kids and thinking, “I can’t do this.” However I remembered the 12 steps and found a little scrap of paper that said, “Those who forget their past are doomed to repeat it.” I got the message, and I decided to find my way back into 12-step meetings. At the first meeting I met a great guy who became my sponsor. I went to church with him for the first time in a long long time, and the sermon was, “What do we do when we are in the storm.” It was about when Jesus was in the storm with his disciples, and how we have faith at these times. I did the third step that day; I gave my will and my life over to Him. It hasn’t been the same since.
I still had health problems, and I left a meeting horizontal on a stretcher. I was still going to church, but I was popping nitrous to get through it. I finally got an appointment at Tampa General, and on the way to the appointment with my son’s family we had to stop and get an ambulance. They kept me for ten days and did a full evaluation. I qualified medically for the procedure I needed, as I was in that bad of shape. I also qualified for financial programs to help me pay for it. That was a miracle, but He wasn’t done yet.
I started getting spiritual and interested in energy healing. I did Reiki despite being skeptical about it in the past. I figured I didn’t have anything to lose at this point, and the second time I did it I knew something was going on. I didn’t pay for it, as people did it out of love. My doctors kept saying I was doing better and asked me what I was doing. At first I didn’t say anything, and then I said, “Well, I think I’m being healed.” It got to a point where I didn’t need the transplant. In July of that year I was accepted on the transplant list, but towards the end of September I was taken off of it. That was a miracle right there.
I still had the other problems, but I kept my spirituality and kept a close touch with my higher power. I thought I would never be physically able to work again, but the universe opened up. I met people that were putting together a program, and they were looking for somebody with my qualifications. It all fell together, and now I am helping people in recovery. It’s a great industry. You meet great people, and I have the freedom to golf with my kids and grandkids and travel all the time, so it’s a real miracle. Miracles do happen, and that’s why I am so big on spirituality.
Most of the time I feel like I am pretty much on the beam. We all hit trouble, but I find that today I am aware of it sooner, and I deal with it a lot faster. When you’ve been where I was, what’s the big deal about anything else? This is all icing on the cake for me. Why would I be fearful of anything, why would I get angry at anything? It just is what it is, and things are going to happen. They happen, I let them happen, and it always turns out the way it is supposed to turn out.
Since about two months ago I’ve been going out and doing different conferences. The company I work for has about twenty different facilities now, and I was able to bring my son on board. We did our first trip. We made some sales calls, and at the end of the week we wanted to go see a few customers. We are driving up the interstate, and the whole time I’m thinking, “I hope this works, Lord.” My son is driving, and the song on Pandora changes to the Christian artist group Tenth Avenue North. Chris said, “What’s going on?” and I said, “It is His way of telling us that everything is good. He is with us, that’s all.” Miracles are happening every day.
I am proud of what I am doing with the work I’m doing. I’m devoted to it, and it’s my new purpose in life. I finally found my purpose in life, once I understood what was wrong with me all those years. The floodgates opened, and the universe looked down on me. I was asking, “What am I here for? Why am I here?” Now I know why I am here. I’m here to get this message out there. There are hundreds of people that are benefiting from what I’m doing. What more could I ask for? I’m living a dream.
If you are just starting your recovery, get grounded in a program. Keep the spirituality. It’s heartbreaking to see a lot of young people that are lost. We have over 80% relapse rate, so it’s tough. I always try and tell people in recovery a little bit of my story. I try and tell them they don’t have to wait that long, if they are young. Addiction is an elevator; you know you can get off on any floor, but, if you keep doing what you are doing, you’re going to get to the real bottom floor.