- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Faith
On 12/25/13 I turned 42 years old. The last 242 days represent the longest time I have been clean and sober since I was 12 years old.
I did not start 2013 thinking about getting clean and sober. I started the year miserable and addicted. I had surrounded myself with people that did not use thinking that would “fix” me. That only lasted a couple months, because I was still miserable and addicted even if I wasn’t using. My addict brain convinced me that I might as well start using again, because the only person I was fooling was myself.
It didn’t take long to get caught up in the whole “meth culture” again. I was alienating people, becoming paranoid, carrying on in absolutely ridiculous ways (former tweakers know what I’m talking about), bouncing from place to place, dodging my probation officer, lying to everyone (especially myself) and just being an all-around terrible human being.
I managed to get three jobs after being unemployed for a year. I was spending time with my daughter and felt as though I was being the best mother I could be given my circumstances. On April 28th my probation officer told me I had to be in her office that week. On April 30th I did my last drug. On the afternoon of May 3rd I got dropped off at my daughter’s house. That evening was her ring ceremony at school. I was so proud and so excited, but before we could go to her ceremony, I had to go see my probation officer. Imagine my horror when the “drink” I had used to help me pass the drug screen did not work and I was told I was going to jail. They brought my 17-year-old daughter into the office and proceeded to tell me how horrible I was for not being able to stay off of drugs long enough to be there for her important night. They cuffed me in front of her and loaded me into the back of the police car.
I spent 6 weeks in jail before being shipped to a 28-day rehab program. My daughter came to see me every visiting day. My child had to visit her mother behind glass because of addiction. During the last visit there, she said, “Mom, you’re an adult. You do you. If you want to get out of here and get high, go right ahead. Just remember this is where you’re going to end up again.” My daughter and I were very lucky that my addiction led me to jail, because that was the wake-up call I needed to turn my life over to my God and to become willing to go to any lengths to remain clean and sober. As hard as those first few months were for us both, I am grateful it happened. If not my child may have been making funeral arrangements for her mother instead of visiting her in jail. All we have is today, and I try to make the most of every day. I did not start 2013 wanting to be clean and sober, but I am very grateful to be ending it that way. My God’s amazing grace has saved a wretch like me.