- Alcohol
- Faith
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
I am a constantly tormented soul
My mind whirls like a tornado
Desperately wanting to be whole
While despair keeps me feeling low
A child without a childhood
The confusion haunts me still
Now an adult completely misunderstood
Every day is a battle against my will
Survival mode runs rapid at best
I struggle to catch my breath
Constantly searching for rest
I literally have nothing left
He was and is an alcoholic
I know that he will never change
I cannot comprehend that he’s sick
Perhaps this is why I feel deranged
I don’t want to be stuck in pathetic mode
These characteristics seem ingrained in me
I want so badly to rewrite my internal code
And hopefully one day feel completely free
I am so disheartened and crippled inside
God is with me I know I’m not alone
When I try to talk about it I get tongue tied
With help and courage I will move this stone
My recovery has been ongoing for a year; however I’ve come to view it as a lifelong journey. My need for recovery stemmed from a mental and emotional issue. The poem above best describes my state of mind a year ago. My therapist encouraged me to read it to my dad and tell him exactly how his addiction affected me.
Just thinking of having that conversation manifested into a debilitating panic attack that led to the paramedics being called. Determining the root cause of that experience was like peeling an onion one layer at a time. Each layer revealed different issues and it was time to address them. My father’s substance abuse and alcohol addiction profoundly stunted my emotional development. I grieved for the childhood I didn’t have and the unhealthy choices I made to cope. The panic attack was awful—however, it led me to face my fears and insecurities. I was able to have that tough conversation with my dad.
My doctor prescribed anxiety meds. Unfortunately they made me feel tired and groggy. The therapist suggested ACA meetings and yoga as alternative healing methods. The ACA meetings were wonderful they gave me a new perspective on myself, it was the “Recovery Yoga” that I found most beneficial and therapeutic. The biggest positive change in my life is discovering that I am capable and worthy of healing, taking the time to connect my mind, body & soul through the restoration of yoga has been life altering. I am mentally, physically and spiritually stronger working on all three aspects at the same time is powerful.
I have made great strides in the healing process and I’m still learning as I go. There are times I struggle with bouts of anxiety and negative thought processes. It’s easy to want to fall back into old mental and emotional habits and patterns. I’m keenly aware of how unhealthy it is to get stuck there.
I have days when things feel really dark and hopeless. It is a daily conscious effort to recognize it and remind myself that it does not own or define me. I struggle to not take myself so seriously and to have fun. Every day is a choice to constantly work on myself in order to break the generational cycle. Anything worthwhile in life is hard work and that includes the healing process. One important truth I’ve learned along the way is nothing is impossible with God.
The ability to not only like myself but to love myself has been immensely satisfying. To finally view myself as worthy is nothing short of a miracle. Today I am most proud of my family, the healing, the growth, and the progress God has given me. The best truth and piece of advice I’ve received is, “We are all miracles in progress.”
My advice to someone that fears they can’t recover is that it’s normal to feel that way and it’s also completely false. Push through no matter how difficult it feels. Seek help because there is beautiful healing and transformation waiting for you and you deserve to receive it.