- Mental Health
I was 18 years old and home from college on a winter break when my mother had her first ‘psychotic break’ – she lost all touch with reality, physically and mentally, and I wasn’t sure who she was. Her physical actions and sentences weren’t stringing together, she was a threat to herself, my dad and I, and eventually I was sent to stay for the rest of winter break with my uncle and aunt so my dad could take care of my mother. I remember it being one of the scariest moments of my life – not knowing what was wrong with my mom, but also knowing that this moment explained a lot about our relationship and who she was for a majority of my childhood. I also remember being extremely worried for my dad – not knowing if she would harm him or if he would last through it all.
The turning point was that moment, when my mom lost touch with reality, that I knew that I might need help as well. I had seen a psychologist that fall (a sports psychologist to deal with the stress of playing a college sport and adjusting to college life), and he and I began discussing my mother and our relationship after returning to school. It was this point in my life that drastically opened up a new window to my life, what I thought about my mother, and my interactions with all other people because of this relationship.
Sadly, because of the disorder my mother has, Borderline Personality Disorder, she does not believe that she has a need for help (as a symptom of the disorder). What has changed, however, are the relationships between my family members (I am an only child) and how we understand my mother. Due to me seeking out the help of a psychologist, my father has seen one, as well as some of my mother’s sisters – I now understand that the extreme black and white views on life and the verbal abuse she expresses are symptoms of her disorder and not something directly that I had said or done. My family members are starting to see the same thing . We can love her for who she is and not how she acts or what she does.
I learned a lot of lessons from learning about my mother’s disorder and how to cope with her – biggest one being that I AM NOT ALONE in this. For the longest time, I did not want to talk about my relationship with my mother, as all of my friends growing up seemed to have these picturesque relationships with their mothers, and mine was not like that. I lied a lot about who she was or what our relationship was, and now I know that through sharing my story at the appropriate times or in the right situations, I can open up a dialogue about the struggle with a family member suffering from a mental illness. I read a lot of books and talked a lot with my psychologist, but the biggest thing was finding other peers whose mothers also suffer from the same disorder. We all have similar stories and have all experienced the heartbreak and abuse from those relationships, however we have all learned individually about coping and living a free life. I share my story now to let others know that they aren’t alone and that you do not have to be attached to someone else’s speech or actions (namely I learned that I am who I am and my mother is who she is, and I am not tethered to her actions and speech).
Today, I feel extremely free. I still cope with my mother’s illness (it gets worse as she ages), however, I know now that she is sick AND she is still a good person. Life for me is less tense as I have learned ways to be around my mother and still be happy and have a fulfilling relationship with her, even if she is verbally abusive and manipulative. I choose to be who I am being.