- Alcohol
- Faith
Submitted by: Abby Foster
I have been sober since March 10, 2008.
In the last nine years, I would say that the biggest blessing has been my ability to be a present parent for my sweet daughter.
Not just to be physically present, but emotionally and spiritually, as well.
Prior to getting sober, I would pick her up from daycare, after I had already stopped at the liquor store and had at least two drinks first. I would look at her in the rearview mirror and just hope she wouldn’t talk. I hated the way I treated her, but I couldn’t stop. I would sit her in front of the TV and go straight to the kitchen to down two more drinks to get the instant ease and comfort I needed.
What led to my recovery? Blackouts and the four horsemen…terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair. One night I woke up at 4am and I was so hungry. I went out into the living room and saw a pizza box and tiny little sandals sitting in the middle of the floor. I had no recollection of having already eaten or of my daughter being there. I went into her bedroom, and there she was asleep.
I sat on the couch that night and cried my eyes out because I couldn’t remember how we got there, nothing. I thought I only had a few drinks. I didn’t understand what was happening and knew nothing about alcoholism.
Shortly thereafter, I sat on the edge of my bed and opened my bedside table drawer. I found a letter I had neatly tucked away that was given to me months before. I had never read it. That night I did, and it talked about the woman they met a year ago, and the woman I had become. It wasn’t malicious, it was simply the truth about what they saw. I felt, in that moment, that I had to kill myself because I was of absolutely no use to anyone anymore. I remember asking, “God, how did I get here?”
The next day, I was fired from my job. Three days later, I walked into my intervention that had been planned weeks prior. God does that for me.
I remember having a sense of relief, immediately followed by the need to fight and defend… but, off to rehab I went.
The most important lesson I have learned is that God hears our prayers…ALL OF THEM. When I surrender and ask Him for help, He shows up immediately, every time.
My biggest struggle is letting go- letting go of mistakes, of hurt, of what I think I know, of thinking I know what is best for me. I overcome it by staying where my feet are. If I can just remain in conscious contact with my loving Creator and do the tasks in front of me, today’s worries and tomorrow’s fears will slip away and be replaced with joy and contentment.
One of the biggest truths I adhere to is that we must continue to grow spiritually. I continue to seek God every day and have become part of a church that has allowed me the peace to do that. I have become a group leader and would have never thought in a million years I would say the name “Jesus”, let alone raise my hands to Him in worship.
In the beginning, I just had to hold on (minute-by-minute some days) until I got to the next meeting. I went to a meeting about every three hours for almost a year. It wasn’t easy. No one said it would be. I had to learn to live with feelings– all of them. I had to learn that feelings were not going to kill me, but I likely would kill me if I drank. I try my best to remain teachable. The idea that I don’t have all the answers is just fine with me today.
Trust God. Clean house. Help others. This too shall pass. It is just that simple.