- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
As of today, 8/3/16, I have remained abstinent from alcohol and other drugs for 3 years– a length of time I have not been able to put together since I began using at 13 years old. The positive changes that recovery has brought to my life are innumerable! I have continued my education, mended relationships with family members and friends, become a responsible and accountable person, and my life is stable no longer full of chaos or the feeling of impending doom. But above all, the greatest change has been my ability to be a physically, emotionally, and mentally present mother for my son.
My drinking and using kept me in a life of isolation. I knew lots of people and partied with groups of people, but no one knew the real me. I didn’t even know the real me. I felt stuck in this broken cycle; my life was going nowhere. I reached a turning point when I found myself still awake after using and drinking all night, and my infant son woke up early in the morning. I remember closing the two of us in a room together so he could play on the floor with me while I continued to drink trying to fend off the impending monstrous resulting pain from the night before. This moment was my bottom. All my life I wanted to be a mother and there I was- unable to be the mom I knew I could be because I couldn’t stop drinking and using drugs. My life had never been important enough to me to become willing to make lasting changes, but my son’s life was. Through him I was able to see the truth about myself; I was sick, and I needed help.
Through the recovery process, I have been taught many valuable truths. One of which is the importance of self-compassion. I used to feel self-hatred and guilt for all of the mistakes I have made and people I hurt while living in active addiction. I used to do anything that I could to try and avoid feeling that pain. Pain that at times had led me back to the bottle to escape. For me to achieve long-term recovery I had to learn to no longer avoid my feelings but process them and learn to be kind and supportive of myself. Self-love is something I still struggle with today. Like everything else, with practice is has become easier. The support of friends and loved ones has been essential in helping me through my recovery.
Outside of being a mother, I am most proud of being able to make real connections with people. In active addiction, I was isolated and alone even in a room full of people. I yearned for closeness, but I feared that people wouldn’t like me. If they knew the real me, they would feel the same way I felt about myself. So, I opened up to no one, trusted no one. Today, I have learned to trust, to be honest, and open up with fellow women in recovery. Not only is my pain lessened when it is shared, but I have often found that others have had experiences similar to my own and moved through it without taking a drink or drug. Recovery has given me not only my family back, but I am now a member of a tribe of women who support each other on this journey of recovery together.
Recovery, as they say, is simple but not easy. There are going to be days when you want to run and give up. Don’t! Those are the moments where growth is possible. Open up to another person about what is going on inside of your head. We cannot recover alone. There may be days when all you are able to do “right” is to not pick up a drink or drug. Those days are victories too.