- Drugs
- Faith
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
The first substance I used was beer when I was nineteen. I immediately became so curious about the feeling and all that came with it that in the same semester, I not only tried alcohol, I had my first cigarette and the first try of every drug I ever used. I partied like every other college student I knew, but I was very naive and had a lot to learn. The addiction behaviors, as far as substances are concerned, didn’t kick in until two years later.
As with most people, I started by doing these things on weekends and it progressed to most nights of the week. From most nights of the week, it became a daily habit, and soon I woke up in the mornings feeling really weird and had often that “little hair of the dog” to make myself feel better. The progress of dependency and substance use went on until a morning half-glass of alcohol became a full glass of alcohol each morning. Not long after that, I started to feel hung over at lunchtime, and the duration of being without a substance in my bloodstream became shorter and shorter. At the end, I was drinking up to a whole handle a day, bottom of the shelf, just to feel normal.
Alcohol was my drug of slavery, but Adderall was my drug of choice. I had terrible attention deficit disorder and Adderall was prescribed to me, and I became addicted in no time. I like to share this part of my story, because Adderall has become a popularly prescribed drug and many people don’t realize what a horrible addiction it can create. I took Adderall so I could function in life. For a while, it helps you concentrate and live, even if you are abusing it in the beginning– but as with all addictive substances, it stopped working after some time and I kept increasing the dosage until I couldn’t get any effect out of it anymore, but needed it to feel okay.
I was a slick-tongued devil once I was hooked on drugs. I was not a manipulative person and I did not lie before my addictive traits came out. When I was in need of Adderall, all of these stories came out of my mouth to manipulate my psychiatrist into prescribing me higher doses. My psychiatrist believed my lies, and when I ran out early, he refilled my prescription early as well. I was prescribed about double the normal dose. One of the most shameful things for me to talk about is the fact that I even stole the pills from my friends when I wanted more. I had a ton of friends on Adderall.
At the end of my addiction, I was taking a huge amount of Adderall, I drank an unbelievable amount of liquor and slept maybe every two or three days for three hours. I couldn’t sleep longer than that, because I would start to detox. I couldn’t drink without using Adderall and I couldn’t take any Adderall without drinking.
My actual turning point didn’t happen until I was in treatment. Leading to treatment, I was isolating myself more and more. My friends and family started to make comments about my use, and every time those comments came in, my brain told me that those people were no longer safe to be around. Even my drinking buddies were noticing and commenting on me drinking more than usual and immediately I withdrew from them. “They are no longer safe, no longer safe…” I didn’t want anyone close to me anyway. I knew all normal people would smell the alcohol. It’s not the smell of a drink you just had, it’s the alcohol roaring out of my pores.
My father almost died at a hospital the week I got sober. I didn’t go because I know I couldn’t be that close to my family and I couldn’t be without a drink and drug for the two days they were all there. I told myself that concerned friends and family would be calling and someone needs to be at home to answer the phone and keep them informed. At the end of those two days, the guilt was overwhelming. Then my family came home and said that they wanted to talk to me. I thought they would tell me that my dad passed away, but no, the first thing out of my brother’s mouth was, “we know what is going on.”
I was kicked out of a nursing program because of my substance use six months prior to that date. Because I couldn’t face the shame and guilt that came along with that, I had kept getting up every morning for the entire six months and pretended to go to class. I felt that I had lost my purpose and was unable to face it or talk about it. Every day started with a load of guilt and shame as I got up and lived that lie. I told myself every day,that I would deal with it tomorrow.
My family confronted me that day with the fact that they knew all about my secrets and did a good intervention without a professional interventionist being present. There was a window of opportunity that day– my spirit and my soul was open.
I knew it wasn’t working anymore. I couldn’t deal with reality and was permanently scared.
I did 30 days of primary treatment and three months of extended residential care. It was the best decision I ever made. My actual turning point happened as I had been there for two weeks. That was when I surrendered. I stopped thinking about all the ‘what ifs’ and let my head drop to my heart. I threw my hands in the air and asked God to take over, to please let me know about the way I should go.
I am 30 years of age today and celebrated five years of sobriety last year. I started working in the recovery field because I love helping people and giving back. I knew it was my calling and soon after, I discovered my position in outreach and am happy to now be on the front line helping others to find what I found, and guide them into treatment.
If you are reading this, you are looking for answers because what you are doing isn’t working anymore. We don’t start to look for answers unless we are in some sort of pain and willing to make some change. If you are reading this, you look for something different. I can promise you that recovery will provide you with something different, something better and more hopeful than what you’re experiencing.