- Alcohol
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
I started with alcohol around age 16, and added marijuana by age 17 and cocaine at about 21. In the end, it was crystal meth that brought me down on my knees.
I grew up in a really small town in Texas where everybody drank. It was a normal thing to do. On top of that, I was a straight-A student, and I was an athlete. After sports practice one day, I wanted to experience what everyone else seemed to be experiencing and I accepted my first drink with friends. I drank a six-pack of Budweiser the first time I touched alcohol.
I didn’t hide that I drank alcohol, but I didn’t really talk about it, either. My parents didn’t expect me to get into trouble. I was a good kid, so nobody was worried.
I realized I had a problem as soon I got into the cocaine at age 21. When I started it, I realized quickly that I needed it all the time, that I didn’t feel right without it, and that I had to hide it. Nobody around me in my athletic world did it. They were talking bad about “all those drug addicts”, and I had to hide that I was one of them.
I started to lose my love for consuming only alcohol alone, because I noticed that I felt sloppy with only alcohol. I needed the combination. I didn’t want to pass out on the alcohol. Like most guys my age, I liked girls, and I liked girls that stayed up late. Staying drunk, being sluggish, and making a fool out of myself on alcohol wasn’t helpful. The cocaine gave me what I needed. I thought it made me a super-version of myself.
I quit football and all athletics after my sophomore year because of the drugs. I wasn’t trying anymore; I wasn’t even running. Looking back, I can see that the drugs took all my effort and dedication that I had when I was younger.
I eventually got kicked out of college. I used to enroll in classes, go for a week, then quit going. I didn’t even drop out of class, since I would have had to go on campus to do so. I was still asleep when school closed for the day. I got zeroes for grades twice in a row and had to leave.
I had a job as a bartender, so I didn’t ask my parents for money and they still had no idea what was wrong with me. Eventually my parents found out, but didn’t know what to do with me. There were no resources in our small town. The stigma in my small town was high and people were talking like, “He had so much potential, what a shame… what a loser.” I knew I was out of control, but I loved it so much, and I wasn’t ready to take the next step to recover.
A lot happened when I was between ages 21 and 31, but nothing positive. It was a lost decade. It looks like a cloud of smoke to me today. I was homeless. I gave my truck away. I ran with a brotherhood I didn’t believe in. I stole, and I lied. That gang was nothing that made sense to me, but they had drugs, so I hung out with them and was a criminal with them. They were like great white sharks that found idiots like me to do the dirty work for them. They gave me drugs, and when I was asleep they would steal them back from me.
Nobody else in my life put up with me anymore; nobody trusted me anymore. I lost all meaningful relationships. I lived completely against my own morals and values; my life had nothing to do with the way I was raised. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to get high. I was a slave to it; I would crawl over a mile of broken glass to get high. At that point, I couldn’t look in the mirror. I couldn’t even look at babies. I saw in their eyes that they could see the darkness in me. I didn’t know who I was and didn’t know that it was possible to be where I was.
I used to go without sleep for days (or sometimes weeks) at a time. One time, I gave my truck keys to one of the brotherhood guys and he left me with other people. I was out of dope and slept for about eight days in a row. The people that had let me sleep on their couch finally asked me to leave.
I was estranged from my parents at that time; I hadn’t talked to them for about six months or longer. I called my mom and she only asked where I was and came right away to get me. My parents didn’t have the money to pay for a quality treatment facility, but they brought me to a state-funded center for a month. I always said that I would never go, but that time I was in fear of massive legal consequences and thought that treatment would probably look good, so I went.
I was asleep and felt the presence of my grandfather and God. When I woke up, I was covered in tears. I couldn’t stop crying. In that moment, I remembered the statistics they told us and thought “if only two people in this facility will stay sober, why can I not be just one of them?” I corrected the stories that I was telling others and started to be honest.
All of a sudden, I was in it and did all what it took. I went to aftercare for 3-4 months, and started teaching and sponsoring others. It was the beginning of my career in this field. I never got tired of helping others. Nobody had to hide anything from me. No matter what darkness they have lived in, I’ve already been there. I had no experience working in treatment, but I had a lot of experience working with alcoholics and addicts. A few years later, I started my own treatment center. I wanted to feel ownership in my own program and do what’s right.
There is no way that I would have a life worth living without getting sober. For a long time, the drugs were the solution to my problems. It is hard to let go of the solution if it’s still working, but every day we wait, we make it worse.
I am married today. My wife is in recovery as well, and has 11 years of sobriety and is the most moral and ethical person I’ve ever met in my life. My wife and I both decided we want to blaze our own trail, so we decided to move from Texas to Florida. My wife is also from Texas, and it was a hard decision to move to Florida, but it worked well for us. She and I run the treatment facility in Florida together, and we have a beautiful, young child.
I have done yoga and breathing exercises every day now for almost nine years. Now, I love to run and surf as much as I can. I started learning surfing at age 40, and I realized that it is a perfect sport to keep me in the present moment. We teach all our clients to surf at our center.
Trust the process. Recovery can be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.