- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
How long have you been on your recovery journey?
Sepember 11, 2009 will be six years, God willing.
What is the biggest positive change in your life since then?
I changed my whole way of thinking. I can change people, places, and things, but if I don’t change myself and the way I think nothing will change. Wherever I go I bring me with me.
What led to your need for recovery (from substance abuse or some other issue)?
I lost everything: my son, my family, and all material things. I was homeless, scared, and alone. I was physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally bankrupt. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
What was the turning point for you?
I wouldn’t call it a turning point, I just woke up one morning and I had enough. I was mad, I was sad, and just had enough. The struggle was over. I wanted to live!!
What is one important truth you’ve learned through the process?
Your secrets keep you sick! It may sound cliché, but my secrets, those things that I held on to so tight because I was afraid of what people would say or think, took me “back out” many times. Letting go of those secrets is key to staying sober.
What are you most proud of about your life today?
I am most proud of gathering up almost six years, following my dreams, and creating a life for me and my son. Also, having a relationship with my family, mainly my brother that I was estranged from for years and just this past year started talking to again. I am now doing his flowers for his wedding; miracles do happen. I also have the most loving, most caring, and most incredible boyfriend who is also in the program! There are many other things, but those are what stand out the most.
What is one of your biggest struggles in ongoing recovery? How do you overcome that?
I think my biggest struggle is my PTSD that I struggle with almost on a daily basis. I have a lot of trauma that I have dealt with in my life and it affects me to this day. How do I deal with it? I have an awesome boyfriend who helps me get through it, I tell on it all the time, talk about it, and try to notice the “feelings” when they come and try to deal with it head on.
What part of your life do you find most satisfying since you have been in recovery?
The most satisfying part of my life right now is that I live in my dream location with the man of my dreams who has taken on the role of being a father to my son. I am working at my dream job and am just being ok with my life. Just being in peace is enough for me at this point.
Is there a truth or piece of advice someone shared with you that has helped you on this road?
One thing that I always thought was so stupid when I was in early recovery was “KISS”: Keep It Simple Stupid. I used to think it was so stupid! Well, now I live by that. I must remain calm and keep every part of my life simple. I must slow down and take every minute as it comes. So it turns out it is “KISS”!
What would you tell someone who is at the beginning of his/her recovery journey and is afraid he/she can’t do it?
I always tell them a bit of where I have been. I was basically a “Dumpster Divin’ Gutter Girl.” Then I tell them things that have happened that I was able to stay sober through, including: a major break up, my son passing away, my brother overdosing, just to name a few. Miracles do happen, they happen every day, and you can be one of them!
My Story….I guess I start from the beginning. Well, I was born into an amazing, hardworking, talented, caring, loving, good hearted…alcoholic and drug addicted family. My childhood was “normal” for the most part, however alcohol was always around and someone was always drunk.
It was normal for me to sip the “head” off a beer after I, yes, me, poured it into a frosted mug at the age of 6. I was a total pro by age 7. Every holiday ended with a fight on the front lawn and the cops pulling in the driveway taking someone away.
I can remember having anxiety at a very early age, like hating to go to holiday dinners or hating to have family over. The dinner table became a battle ground at every family function. So I went through elementary school just fine, and again alcohol was always there. My parents were very involved parents, but always seemed like they couldn’t wait for the weekend till they could ship us off to my grandparents’ house.
My dad was a workaholic/functioning alcoholic and my mom was a heavy weekend drinker. So every weekend my parents would ship us off to my grandparents’ house and I used to hate it because my grandfather used to get completely drunk and beat the crap out of my grandma. My brother and I spent many nights in random strip mall parking lots with my gram waiting for the storm to pass…waiting for him to pass out. (I had a brother who was three years younger and I had an older brother from my dad’s first marriage who was ten years older.)
So that went on for years I guess till we were 11 or 12. We went through school fine and things were just going as life planned; just the same crap, different day. I started high school and right away I wanted join all of these sports. I started with softball, then cheerleading, then track and field. I did that all four years, but junior year I started hanging out with the stoners, with people who weren’t “on my level”. I became their ride everywhere and their wallet. I guess I felt bad for them and wanted friends, little did I know I would end up just like them. With all that being said, this is when my heroin journey began.
I met my son’s father, who was ten years older had 9 kids already, just after he had gotten out of prison. He walked in the room and it was love at first sight…not! So he was a drug dealer, the kind who sold so he could use. I began doing the same thing, but then in the midst of that I get pregnant. See, you would think me being pregnant would make me stop. Well, no, I shot dope my whole pregnancy; I sold dope my whole pregnancy. I ran the streets, and put myself in bad situations, and on May 20, 2006 one month before I had my son I was gang raped by my “dealers” because I was pregnant with a Crypts baby. They were Bloods, a rival gang.
When it was all done, I brushed myself off and the next day I was back out there getting more drugs. I kept quiet and acted like nothing happened. June 21, 2006 I had my son. He was taken by DYFS and given to my parents, and this is where my treatment mess started. Let me just tell you I didn’t want help. I didn’t want to get clean. I wanted to sell drugs, use drugs, and live this crazy lifestyle.
Mind you I was homeless, eating off the streets, and robbing people I was so sick. So I went into my first treatment center. I did mommy and me programs with my son living with me. Every time I left, I got high because I wasn’t ready and I didn’t care. Not even my son got me sober. Every time I went back out it continued to get worse. Finally DYFS and my parents had enough and I had to sign my parental rights over to my parents.
I gave my son up for adoption. I was unfit, and to tell you the truth he got in the way. That’s where my mind was. I cared about nothing and no one. So once I had “nothing in the way” I went all out. I was high every single second of every single day. I would steal your stuff and help you look for it. I would buy dope, not food. I would rather find a local dumpster to eat out of. Waste my money on food? Not a chance.
By this time my son’s father and I were done. He was incredibly abusive and, trust me, it was way better that way. I met another guy in one of the programs I was in. Great. We hit it off. I finally got sober. I finally had enough. Something just clicked. So we are together on and off and bam, I get pregnant. I stay clean and I was so happy that I was pregnant.
I had my son December 13, 2010 and it was the happiest day of my life. Not only did I have my son, but my family wound up showing up at the hospital unexpectedly after not seeing them for a year. And I hadn’t seen my first son in the same amount of time.
Then on January 9, 2011 my son Kaiden at 27 days old took his last breath. He passed away from bowel blockage which was because of the hospital misdiagnosing him 2 days prior. My whole world flashed in front of me. Kaiden was going to be the start of a new life and became my reason to start moving forward in life, and he was taken from me.
That day, when I left the hospital, I went to stay with my parents. As I pulled up my older son came running out of the house screaming, “Mommy!” My son passing didn’t make sense but at that moment I understood his purpose. He brought a whole family back together. In 27 days he performed a miracle. He also saved my life; his father was extremely abusive. In fact, about a month before I had Kaiden I was in a Women’s Shelter because of his abuse. I went into labor there and they had to bring me to the hospital.
If it wasn’t for Kaiden I would still be in that relationship, being abused and possibly dead. Kaiden saved my family and allowed me to be a mother to the child I left behind. He is now my personal guardian angel!
From there, I moved to Florida and started to work on me. I was single for three years and found out what it was like to be alone and feel my love, rather than the false love a man who really didn’t love me. I then met a man who, to my surprise, was in the program and worked in the field. I worked hard and now I have my own place, my son back, my family, my dream job, and in a dream location! Things I never thought possible when I was eating out of dumpsters, living in abandoned buildings, stealing from family and friends, and shooting dope on the regular. Today by the grace of God I am 5 and 1/2 years sober!
And with that I’ll say this: On July 31, 2014 I lost my brother to this disease! I stayed sober! I have stayed sober no matter what! My brother passing was just another reason for me to stay sober. He was one who didn’t want help, who always said no I’m good, and look at the result. Don’t be a statistic of people who didn’t make it!
God is good! All the time! Miracles happen every day and I’m here to be a testament to that. I’m not going to sit here and say “If I can do it, you can do it!” because it’s so cliché, but what I will say is that you have a heart just like I have and your heart beats just as mine does, and with that heart you have loved one too many of the wrong people, just like I have with my heart. I started to love myself just like I know you can. Give yourself a break and ask for help! I’ve probably missed some things, but I’m sure you can get a vivid picture of where I was and where I am now. God bless you and take care of each other, but first take care of you!