- Alcohol
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
My life was a mess. I could not find inner peace or any contentment in it. All day, every day, I spent searching for a missing piece of the puzzle and ended up sedating myself with alcohol and drugs as that search was never successful. Decisions were made without a thought; my future looked like a black cloud to me despite all the financial and career success I had.
Alcohol was my friend, my partner of choice, my oblivion, my significant other. For many years, I had just work and the bottle, daytime and nighttime, and nothing in-between. I started drinking at age 14 and the difference between me and my friends was clear: They had a fun evening, I frequently visited the bathrooms and needed help to get home. They stopped inviting me, just like in my later life so many people stopped inviting me or withdrew themselves from me. Nobody could ever be sure how I would end up when we went out.
I could not hold any relationships, every boyfriend ran from me after a few months. It was not only the fact that I was always drunk, but also that I was holding on to them like a magnet. I was hoping that someone would give me what I was missing and I was always afraid to be left alone again. My group of friends changed so often that I always thought I had plenty of friends. In reality, I didn’t have a single one.
I kept moving to new places, to give my life a new start– but after just a short time it was all the same again as before. I could not hold jobs, either. I was not busted drunk on the job since I worked as a sales representative and never had to be in an office at certain times. I visited customers drunk at times. It is amazing that they never turned me in. There were days when I was absolutely unable to work and I tried to make up stories of things I did, but my sales numbers always went down until I got laid off.
I was even married once. My husband had no idea how badly I needed alcohol or drugs to survive my days. He met me as the outgoing, pretty and happy women that I pretended to be. It lasted less than a year and he figured out my real me and left. I was lonely again.
My life turned around when I found sobriety. It was not an easy process, but I don’t regret anything today. I was about to lose my job again, I knew it was a matter of weeks, not even a month. Sitting at home, crying as usual about my life, seeing myself as a victim of men, the system, life, my boss, my customers, and more, all of a sudden I had a moment of clarity. I saw that I was not using my alcohol because of all of the bad things that happened to me, but that all the bad things happened to me because I abuse alcohol.
For many days, I was playing with this thought and made the decision that I need to change my life and that I need to start with my daily drinking if I want to have a long-lasting change. I went to a meeting of a 12-step group nearby, which I found on the internet. I gave recovery my first try. I was not really successful at first, but I kept coming back again and again. I was jobless soon after and had lots of time to go to many, many meetings in a week. I slipped several times, it was an embarrassing moment to come back each time, but I did.
It took a long time to get to the point that I really wanted to stop drinking. First I just wanted to slow down and drink like a normal person. It took time to realize that this will never happen.
After countless relapses, I was told that it is maybe a good idea to seek treatment. I visited a counselor, but this didn’t change anything at all. Only as I finally made it into an inpatient facility, was I able to learn what I need to know to stay sober. I have not relapsed so far since I left the facility a year ago. This year was not easy. Financial problems became overwhelming, but I stayed sober. I found a job at minimum wage, but it pays for the roof over my head.
I hope better days will come and I have faith today. I finally start to enjoy life again, I get together with friends and look forward to each day. I was asked at the beginning, “Are you willing to go to any length to get sobriety?” Today my answer is “Yes”. This year seems like “any length”, as it was not easy at all, but I now have now a solid foundation and can build a new life on it.
My best days are yet to come. I apply for positions in my old profession now and hope to find something soon that suits my knowledge and pays a little more. I lost my driver’s license, but I can get it back as soon I can pay the fees. I’m grateful for all I have today and know I have a brand new chance in front of me. I’m not lonely today.