- Alcohol
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Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
I got sober three days before Christmas in 1989. I was 26 at that time. Cocaine was the thing that brought me down to my knees, although I had already used basically everything I could get, beginning with alcohol and marijuana.
I remember the first time I used marijuana. It was an instant love affair, the thing I was looking for; it gave me everything I needed.
My parents were divorced, I lived with my mother and was (at that time) very angry with her. I was born and raised in New York. They had no idea that I was drinking and using. I kept that secret very well for a long time. Using marijuana was my way to express my anger toward my mother; I was harming myself because I wanted to hurt her.
I went to college on a full scholarship for art. That’s where my addiction really took off. I was not only using during those years– I was also dealing drugs. It gave me that feeling of power that I was seeking. I followed the Grateful Dead around, and also took acid. I felt that it helped me understand the world and connect me with my spirituality.
I moved to Colorado and lived near Aspen, where the cocaine in the 80s was tremendous. I used every day. Every few days I would counter the constant cocaine with pills, alcohol, barbiturates, or anything to help me come down. I often crashed. I was miserable.
Eventually, I no longer found many people doing what I did. I didn’t party. I was with other paranoid loners up in the middle of the night staring out of the windows in free-floating anxiety and fear. I even shot (injected) the cocaine; the (temporary) dopamine hike was very intense.
Eventually, I became very physically ill with several illnesses, including hepatitis. That was the start of the end of my addiction journey. I went to a hospital, but didn’t stay because my addiction made me leave. When illness first took over, I had to reduce my substance use. At that time, I had fever for a long time, and stayed with a friend. Once I felt just a little bit better, I immediately went back to using.
I called my mother in my desperation for money; I asked her if I could go back to New York. I didn’t finish college– drug addiction was my entire life, I could not function. I didn’t stay with my mom, but the move to New York did help me stay away from the hard drugs, especially the cocaine. Eventually, I only used alcohol occasionally and occasionally smoked pot in New York. I also got a job, because I knew I was in trouble and I had to support myself and heal my liver.
After experiencing a sexual assault as an adult, my sister told me that my siblings and I had experienced sexual assault/abuse as children.
I continued to drink and smoke pot for another six months, but then I gave up and never went back. I got something from my therapist and the 12-step fellowship that I never had before: care and love. That was what I was really craving. I knew then that I’m was never a bad person; I learned that I’m lovable.
After 14 years of working with my therapist, who helped me immensely in my life through psychodrama and more, this great relationship came to a shocking end, as she committed suicide. I felt betrayed. The raised me out of addiction and into recovery, was like a surrogate mother for me. I was furious for a long time.
All my life I was a big risk taker. Today, I enjoy the outdoors and the adventure that comes with it. I love to go mountain biking, hiking, travelling, and exploring. When I lived in Colorado, I lived right below Aspen. I couldn’t appreciate the beauty around me while I was doing drugs. I was living in a cloud. Today, I love nature and all its beauty.
Changing my whole lifestyle also made me healthy again. I’m the director of family services at a substance abuse treatment program today in New York, and do interventions in my private practice.
The key to recovery is connection. If you connect with other people in recovery, you will get your real needs met. Healthy relationships are a great foundation to build a life of recovery.