- Drugs
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
Submitted by: Jamie Thompson
I didn’t use when I was a child but I knew something was different. I was the kid that whined a lot and had to have what I wanted. By being demanding and manipulating people, I always found a way to get what I wanted without working for it. I was a selfish and unstable little kid. I was born into a middle-class family and abused as a child. My house wasn’t a home where you could come home and say, “I had a really bad day.” It wasn’t a place where you could say, “I don’t like what is going on here so let’s sit down and talk about it.” In my house we learned to hit, yell and hide emotions. I learned to push people out early. I didn’t want anyone around me.
I lived with having my feelings locked up inside. I really didn’t know what it meant to have feelings. I used to say I started using because I was abused, didn’t get along with my family, and didn’t get what I wanted.
In rehab, they told me I started using because I wanted to fit in. I told them no, because that is so classic textbook. Now I now it as true.
I looked to where people were using and I saw them being accepted. I wanted that way of life. I started using because I wanted to. The more people told me that I was doing something wrong, the more I did them.
I always wanted to be something different than I was. I wanted to be prettier than what I was, to be older than I was. I spent most of my addiction trying to look old enough to get into bars. I tried to date men that were ten years older than me. I wanted the freedom that came along with being older because I was 13 and 14. My parents and school were in the way of my addiction. I didn’t want to do anything but use. I gave up life that people wanted me to lead. School didn’t have any place in my future. My dream was to be the coolest aunt and teach my nieces how to party. I wanted to go live on an island somewhere with all the drugs I could ever want.
I was 15 when I got clean. My parents looked at me and told me that my life was unmanageable. They lied to me and took me to a psychiatric hospital. That was the only way they could get me there. They didn’t know what I was into, how much danger I was in, but they did know something was wrong with me. They did know that I used, didn’t go to school, and that I was hurting and needed help. On their way out the door I said, “F*** you, I don’t want to ever see you again. I hate you!” I know that must have hurt them. I was bitter for about a month and a half. The world was wrong and I was right. I knew when I got out, I was going to use again. I was mad at the people who brought me the NA books. They talked about going to meetings every day and I couldn’t’ imagine living a boring life like that. The day a gentleman told me that addicts end up in three places – jails, institutions, and death, it hit me. I was in an institution because I couldn’t handle life on my own. I thought I was living a life of freedom and that is the furthest from the truth.
Before I got out the hospital I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay clean or use. I went to my first meeting on the outside and decided I didn’t fit in because I was too young. I didn’t belong there because they are too old to relate to me. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there because I hadn’t experienced as much pain as them. The people in the meetings told me to keep coming back because if I use again I could die. I didn’t believe them.
I didn’t have any feelings or trust towards anyone. I didn’t have an open mind, willingness or honesty. I did have a home group but not a sponsor. I found myself crying and lost in a meeting one day and finally reached out for a sponsor. I told her I was 16 and asked her if that was okay. I wanted to trust someone that was okay with my age. She said that age didn’t matter. What did matter is that I wanted recovery.
I gained a lot of self-esteem by working the Steps. I no longer worry about how I look when I leave the house. I don’t have to worry that I’m only 18, not 25 years old. I have fun today doing all the things I could never do when I was using. I went back to high school and graduated I am now an Education major in college. I am okay today because I’m in recovery. I am happy with how I am. It’s okay to be a young person and in recovery.