- Alcohol
As a child I always knew there was something different about me. It was more than my outside appearance. I was tall and lanky. It was more than my environment. I grew up poor and in the projects, raised by a single mom who was always either at work or out socializing with her friends. It wasn’t embarrassment about my dirty house.
It was the shame, guilt and anger. How could my mother allow an 11-year-old girl to be sexually abused by a 16-year-old male babysitter for three years? No one cared enough to protect me or help with the feelings inside. I felt dirty like I did something wrong. I held it in, as I wasn’t able to tell anyone.
My escape from my feelings was through men. I thought maybe they would love me if I gave them sex and told them I loved them. Maybe they would love me if I let them disrespect me, verbally abuse me or physically hurt me, but this didn’t work either.
At the age of 16 I thought the only way the pit in my stomach would go away was if I had a baby that would love me and that I could love unconditionally. The void went away for a short period of time after I had my daughter at age 17, but it returned.
I remembered taking my first drink at age 11 and that nothing had mattered that night, so I decided to drink occasionally to numb the feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem and no self-worth. They would disappear when I would drink. I would be part of the crowd, I’d be funny and I could wear what I wanted with no self-conscience. This worked for me for a little while. I could use alcohol occasionally, and I didn’t have to use it daily. My body didn’t need it, but my mind did.
I was introduced to marijuana at 17 years old, and it was not something my body needed either. It was what my mind wanted to make me forget the feelings inside. I was able to raise my daughter, manage my life and land an incredible career. I jumped into another abusive relationship, and the feelings of low self-esteem, no self-worth and no self-respect returned. I turned to weed and alcohol to hide my true feelings. I finally got the courage to leave that relationship but immediately jumped into what I thought would be a healthier relationship. Within six months I started doing cocaine on a daily basis, lost my career and learned that, due to past sexual abuse and my own sexual behaviors, I would not be able to bear any more children.
I was using cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, benzos and prescription narcotics when a miracle happened. I went for pre-op for a hysterectomy and found out I was pregnant. I immediately stopped using every substance and delivered a healthy baby. Within two weeks of his birth, I was back on prescription drugs and using marijuana. I had a 13-month battle with insurance to get the hysterectomy done. After I got the surgery approved, another miracle occurred. I went to the pre-op, and I was pregnant with my next son.
Six weeks after delivering my last child, I had a hysterectomy, and when I left the hospital, I was given a 10-day prescription for OxyContin. That 10-day prescription turned into 6 years of manipulating, lying and stealing from my significant other, doctors and family members. There was no longer alcohol or cocaine involved. It all became opiate prescription medication and marijuana. I could not function without the opiates.
I refused to stop until the man in my life, the father of my children and the love of my life, walked out on me and my three children. He couldn’t take the lies, the stealing or the person I had become. At that time I felt my whole world had crashed and that there was nothing I could do, but something miraculous happened. Four and a half months after he left, I had an awakening. I didn’t want to live like I was anymore. I didn’t want my children to remember me for who I’d become. I wanted to be okay with me. I wanted to be someone. I know God was with me that day, as I heard Him telling me I could change.
I went to treatment on October 1, 2010. I was petrified, but I was broken and ready to change my life. I stayed in detox for five days. I don’t remember most of my stay there, but I do remember people in recovery coming in and saying, “Get involved in a 12-step recovery fellowship. Go to a meeting the day you leave. Raise your hand, let someone know you need help and no matter what don’t use.” I left that facility and did what they said.
I have been clean and sober since October 1, 2010, and even though this has been one of the hardest things I’ve done, it’s been one of the best. I am not perfect today, and I never will be. I never fixed the relationship with that man who left, but today I am grateful that he left so I would turn my life around. I still struggle with finances, I still have insecurities and I still have a disease that talks to me daily, but I also have God, a support group and friends, self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, a beautiful relationship with all three of my children, a healthy romantic relationship and a way to release what I feel inside without having to use a substance.
No matter what, drugs or alcohol are not going to take away any problem. The problem needs a solution, and that solution comes from facing what we fear, asking for help and not forgetting how we felt before and in the beginning of our journey. If you are struggling or are afraid to even make the first step, don’t let the disease continue to run your life. Get to a meeting, and ask for help! Life is for living, and today’s the day you can start to live.