- Drugs
- Friends & Family
submitted by: Susanne Johnson
Hello, Heroes! I want to first say thank you, all of you, for being here!
My name is Amanda F. Yes, I was 16 when I first married, got pregnant, gave birth at 17, divorced at 18. Yes, I was addicted to meth for four solid years, and yes, I found myself in not one, not two, but three extremely abusive relationships. I am a slow learner, I guess. But, how did I get there? And most importantly, how did I get here?
Well, it started out pretty well, I had a two parent household, was an honor roll student, and I even had poetry published at 14. I wanted to be a lawyer or a famous writer. Then, choices came along–my choices—and, oh, were there some consequences to those choices, but they were my choices.
I mentioned being 16 and pregnant, right? Shotgun wedding! I was seven months pregnant the first time he ever hit me. I blamed myself at first, and we usually do. I learned that it wasn’t my fault later. Then, I got half smart and divorced at 18, and I say, “half-smart,” because again, I made choices, my choices. I could’ve moved back home, taken care of my son, gotten a job, and gone back to school, as all I have is a GED, but I didn’t. I chose a different path.
I mean, who would have ever thought that an honor roll student, pretty girl (or so I’d been told but I didn’t believe it much back then) would be pregnant at 16, divorced at 18, and yes, I said it, addicted to meth at 19? For some, it was hard to believe. It was even hard for me to believe at times, but again, choices; my choices. While in active addiction, not only didn’t I have my son (my parents had him) but I found myself wrapped up in yet another abusive relationship, only this one nearly cost me my life a few times.
On July 3rd, 2002, I moved back home, got two jobs and bought a car. In early 2004, I moved in with my boyfriend, whom I had my two daughters with…well, three, as there is a little one in heaven (ectopic pregnancy). That relationship was on again, off again until 2009. I blamed me. What wasn’t I doing? What wasn’t I saying? I learned how to make his favorite foods, learned Spanish, and still, he was an alcoholic, and as hard as I tried to fix it, I finally realized, I wasn’t the one who could fix it
A lot had happened between 2004 and 2008. I’d lost a child, given birth to my oldest daughter, and two months later, lost my dad, my rock…I miss him daily. But, I know he is smiling down, proud of the woman I am now. Then, in 2007, lost most of my right lung to pneumonia and, in late 2008, I gave birth to my youngest daughter. In 2009, after my daughter’s father disappeared for nearly a week, I ended that on again, off again relationship for good.
Whew! A lot right? Depends on how you look at it, I guess.
But, I was ready for a fresh start. I had my own apartment, and the loss of the lung allowed me to be home with the kids, so for me, it was a blessing. Were we rich with money? No. But, I was home, and that was important to me.
Now, in all that time, since 2002, I was meth free! I wasn’t an addict, right? Wrong. I’d gotten drunk here and there in between that time. Again, choices; my choices. And up until recently, I had another addiction, and the funny thing is I didn’t even realize it was an addiction. I was a people pleaser. Codependency is what I was told it was called. Whenever anyone needed me, I was right there. I would spend time or money. I would help in whatever way I could with no questions asked. But, where did that leave me?
This brings us to 2011. I’d lost my stepbrother when an intoxicated taxi driver slammed into a tree. He was doing the right thing. He’d been drinking and took a cab. Losing him and my dad is proof that God only takes the best. I miss them both, their smiles especially.
Then, I thought I’d met, “the one.” Although this relationship wasn’t physically abusive, it was by far the worst. I had lost myself completely, again doing anything and everything I could to keep him happy. Up until then, I was helping everyone. But, one by one, I was losing friends and also losing me. It was one of those cases where I should have absolutely listened to my Mom and everyone else when they told me they had a weird feeling about this one. But, I had to keep trying. I wasn’t giving up. I mean, yet another failed relationship. What the heck was wrong with me? Only I was giving up, I was giving up what little was left of me, with each day that passed.
Then, in June of 2013, three more miracles came to live with us: my nephews, for a total of six children. Oh, he wasn’t too happy about that. They took away from him. They took my time, my energy, my money (he didn’t work), and my love. He felt threatened, I guess, and turned his verbal, emotional, and mental abuse towards them, and as crazy as it sounds he wasn’t mean to the three kids I already had, but I fought back! No way was anyone going to mistreat my nephews that way! He’d decided that I needed to make a choice: him or them. I sent him packing in August of 2013, and the adoption of my nephews will be final in just a few months. I made the right choice!
I was called an angel more than once for taking on three more kids, especially on my own. When I think about it, my nephews coming saved me from that life-draining relationship. They are the real angels here. They may not know it, but I do. Well, all six of them, really. They are my biggest inspirations, and fans!
Prior of taking these three wonderful kids as an addition to my family, I wrote a letter to my sister trying to give her hope. I would like to share a little paragraph from it with you as it could be also addressed to many others on this planet. We have all made mistakes, we are sisters, we are mothers, we have made poor choices, but there is always hope. I don’t really know how my sister is doing today, we talk at times and she tells me she is clean right now. I wish her a long-term recovery and happiness from my heart.
Letter to my sister:
“… We all at one time or another have made mistakes, have made poor choices, and have done some crazy decision making along the way. It doesn’t make us bad, it makes us human. It’s how you learn from the mistakes that make you better today than you were yesterday.
I have seen the goodness in you; after all, you are my sister. We were raised together and for years, we shared the same room. I remember how protective you were of our little brother and I. I remember the kindness, the care, the unselfishness, the generosity, and the way you’d never let us be bullied, get picked on in school, or let us be put in harm’s way. I remember my sister, the one I grew to know, respect and love so well. I remember her, and she was one of my very best friends.
I cannot find her now, and oh, how I’ve tried. The thing is, and it took me a long time to realize this, but she wasn’t for me to find. You and only you have the knowledge, strength, and power to find her, and bring her back, for you are the one who knows her best.
In the meantime, as it is now my turn to be second Mom, I promise to love these boys, as I do my very own, to wipe their tears, to comfort them, to ease their heartaches, and to keep them safe until hopefully one day you can find my sister, my friend, and the loving mom that these boys want and need. It is my hope that you find that loving mother, sister, daughter, and friend that has been lost for so long, and just hasn’t been able to find her way. It is my hope that you can find her and make her stronger, smarter, and even better than she ever was before. It is for this that I truly pray.
We are a family, and that will never change, and if for some reason you can’t find her, that loving mother, sister, daughter, and friend, please don’t worry. I promise you, the boys will always have a safe, caring, loving and happy home here with us. That is a promise that I will forever keep, a promise that I vow never to break.”
I wanted people to know that they were not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, no matter what crappy choices you may have made, the things in life that you “thought” were supposed to rip you to pieces, figuratively speaking, all of the times your heart broke, whether it was by you or someone else– guess what? You’re still here. You’re living, breathing proof that you can get through anything, whether it was through your choices or not.
You see? The people behind these “inspirational pages” are real, and they are human, just like you.
So, tell your story here. I’m sure most of us have been there too.
“Don’t be afraid of your story, of your history, of your life’s journey. You never know who you might inspire with your strength.”
Beautiful things happen, the most beautiful friendships are made when you stop being afraid of being you– the real, true, mistake-making, imperfectly, perfect, human, you.
“It’s never too late, it’s never too soon, you’re never too young, and you’re never too old to begin.”
Remember, WE ARE ALL HEROES!”
With Love and Light,
Amanda