- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
Let me set the scene for you. The other night I was in the bedroom on my computer when my husband came in after a long day at work and his usual workout at the gym. He grabbed his laptop as he often does to finish up some notes from the day, and as he was finishing up he said to me, “Can you imagine if I started drinking again?”
My husband is a former alcoholic/addict with 14 years of sobriety. He recently received his degree with honors and has been working as a drug and alcohol counselor for almost a year; it is his way of giving back for the gift of his recovery and I am so very proud of him. When he asked me the question I said, “Yes, but it wouldn’t be good.” He agreed and we talked about all the ways our lives would change for the worse.
He then asked me if I would stay with him if he started drinking again and immediately I said, “Yes, but…” and left it there. This isn’t the first time my husband has asked me this question, we’ve had conversations like this at various times over the years and I actually think it’s a good question to ask. Why? Because it means that it’s top of mind for both of us and something that we are acutely aware could happen at any time.
I don’t say this to suggest that there is some type of cloud hanging over our relationship or that I am living with the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, because our relationship has never been stronger. But, the reality is when living with a former addict this is always a possibility. By periodically asking the question and having the conversation, it serves as a check-in for both of us; a way to remind and remember with this simple question how it used to be when my husband was drinking and that we don’t ever want to go back to that hell again.
Recovery is a beautiful thing. It has changed our lives for the better in so many ways, but make no mistake it is not easy. Just because my husband has so many years of sobriety doesn’t mean he can get too comfortable and think things will be smooth sailing. The same goes for me; just because it has been over a decade since he had his last drink, doesn’t mean the thought hasn’t crossed his mind and I need to be aware of that.
My husband knows that when those thoughts cross his mind, he can talk to me about it and there will be no judgment, or anger, or disappointment. When he asks me the question “Can you imagine me drinking again?” it’s not uncomfortable or a red flag for me. It’s a sign that he is comfortable enough and trusts me enough to share those thoughts with me and know that he will find all the love, support and understanding he needs to maintain his sobriety, and that is all we both want.