- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Faith
I come from a divorced family with two parents who gave me all the love, money, food, shelter, compassion and opportunity anyone could ever want. I was basically a spoiled brat who had no one to blame but himself. I always drank… and worked. I worked very hard in Landscape Construction and was starting a business in January of 2003. In December of 2002, I was watching my cousin, who made it all the way to the World Championship Rodeo in Las Vegas. While there, I happened to play $.75 in a progressive slot machine and won $2.3 million. MY PROBLEMS WERE OVER! Right? WRONG!
I began drinking every day after my windfall. Business did not have the same feel because it did not matter if I did well or not. I was rich! I stumbled across a Lortab and the rest is history! With money to spend, I began taking so many pain pills that I would “nod off.” Naturally, I started taking amphetamines (Adderall) to keep me up, and Valium to bring me down. Being my own boss, I began my drinking at around 5 a.m. and stopped around 9-10 p.m. (I went to bed on time, thus I was a “non-alcoholic”). The fear of running out of pills and booze was all-consuming. I stayed in my office ALL DAY, so being a workaholic was part of the problem as well.
I would have done ANYTHING in the name of drinking and taking pills all day, with any excuse. Anyways, this went on for about eight years, and I was left with my wife and two young children moving out, $70,000 in debt, a $300 a day Percocet/Oxy problem, and a .38 pistol to my head. I WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO GET THE BULLET IN MY BRAIN AS PAINLESSLY AS POSSIBLE, but I passed out.
I checked myself into a hospital in Memphis, Tenn. I spent six days and nights separating myself from the other drunks/addicts in treatment, decided I was fixed and checked out (only to have a handful of pills and mouthful of booze BEFORE I GOT OUT OF THE PARKING LOT). Three days later, I returned on July 7, 2011, and have been sober ever since. God and my 12-Step program saved my life. I was fortunate to have had some great men who felt that MY TRUTH was more important than MY FEELINGS. I was allowed to cry and sit on a “pity pot” for a while, but then they asked, ‘What are you doing about it?” Upon working the steps, I was able to see that, contrary to my own beliefs, I am CRAWLING WITH ISSUES. There is no amount of booze, drugs, money, food, sex, or adrenaline that can quench my ego. God has shown me that even with all of the money, love, and compassion at my disposal… I CANNOT HANDLE THIS LIFE, and I DON’T KNOW SH*T! Today, life is a gift. I am a babbling drug addict/alcoholic who is overrun with ignorance. The only thing I have to offer is my ears and my story. When I start giving advice to someone I sponsor, chances are that I AM PLACING MY EGO BEFORE THEIR TRUTH. I make a lot of mistakes, but that is OK, because God’s children are expected to make mistakes. I have learned that it is no longer my job to expect people to act a certain way or feel a certain way. IT IS NOT MY BUSINESS WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT ME…. good or bad. I am not here to tell God what he is doing “good” or “bad” because it is not my business. Everything that was “bad” in my life one year ago is a blessing today, and I cannot remember any of the good. So, I need not try to decipher.
Until recovery, I WAS NOT A “GOD” GUY, but my sponsor told me to pray. He said, “I am not asking you to like it. I am not even asking you to believe it. I AM TELLING YOU TO DO IT.” He said, “Just believe that I believe and we will go from there.” As I sat in the rooms of my 12-Step program, I began to see the miracles of the program. I knew that many believed that God spoke through people. My sponsor told me, “IF YOU CAN SEE IT…. IT AIN’T HOPE. THAT IS CALLED FAITH.” Life is a blessing. Most of us have just not f****ed it up badly enough to realize that just yet. My hope is that if you are reading this, you experience just the right amount of pain (and no more) than necessary to ask for help and take suggestions from people who know how to live. Allow the walls to fall that have been tumbling for years. I could NOT do this on my own, but I d*** sure wasted a lot of time trying. It is a new and wonderful world, full of peaceful creatures who need my input on very little. The world operates just fine without me at the helm. My lack of significance is where I find my serenity. “God, please continue to keep my big a** outta the way of my big a**.” Peace, love, respect, and recovery to all who want this!