- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
*Possible trigger warning, sexual assault!*
A culmination of things happened that changed my life. I was sexually abused by a friend’s friend while on vacation when I was about 11 years old. This was something I didn’t remember until I was around 15, and something I still can’t fully remember. Not too long after it happened, I started cutting myself. It perplexed me and my family, being only 11 years old intentionally harming myself. Nobody, including me, could give an explanation. This was hard for everyone because it came out of the blue, and I have an amazing family. To them, there was no trigger for this behavior. They were supportive and loving, and I started loathing myself for not knowing why I was acting out.
I had my first experience with alcohol at 12. My parents do not drink, and there was never alcohol in the house. There must’ve been a football game or some event because there were some beers in the fridge. My friend took a couple sips, but I slammed three or four. I remember calling my guy friend and talking to him, saying how “crazy” I felt. I was definitely drunk, and it didn’t register in my head that this was a bad idea. Between 12 and 13 years old, I remember trying to get my hands on alcohol. I brought a backpack full of beers to a friends, and she dumped them out and flushed them down the toilet. I still wasn’t putting together that it was only ME acting this way. By 14 years old, I was drinking every weekend, every chance I got. I’d drive with an older girl I went to school with downtown to a drive-thru that didn’t ID and buy several Four Lokos. Even at 14, my goal when I drank was to get very drunk, much more than those around me. Looking back, this was an obvious attempt to try and cope. I was still cutting, I was depressed, I was failing school, nothing was making sense to me.
In March of my freshman year of high school, a few months before my 15th birthday, I got arrested and charged with open container and underage drinking. Going to court and navigating the court system didn’t change my attitude. It made me want to numb myself even more. My family was devastated. I was lying constantly, manipulating them, telling them I’d never had a drink before that night, etc. Next school year, I had changed schools, in large part because my grades had gotten so low my private school didn’t want me. The drinking continued, and I would drink in class. I would sell people bottles of rum out of my backpack and to friends during lunch.
In January, I was raped. I had never had sex before. I had drunk 13 or 14 beers in a couple of hours, and I was very, drunk. I was at a party, and other people there started becoming concerned. I got mad when they cut me off from the fridge. The rest of the night comes in pieces. I remember trying to push off someone, crying, and severe pain. They didn’t leave the room until they realized I was bleeding. I remember grabbing my dress, leaving my shoes, and running out to find my friend. On the car ride back, I remember doubling over in the back seat and just lying there silently. I called my mom back at my friends, she picked me up, but I refused to tell her what happened. I didn’t know where I had been, who that guy was, I didn’t know anything. I just tried to bury it.
That situation obviously fueled my cutting and drinking problem. Over the next three years, I went harder than I had before. When I got my license, I started going to the drive-thru during lunch and returning to class with alcohol. I would shove bottles in between my bed and my wall at home, so if I wanted some it was right there. My grades fell very, very hard. I disappointed my family and friends. I was completely out of control, making everyone’s life a living hell. I kept cutting, and downed NyQuil pills a couple times just hoping I wouldn’t wake up. I wouldn’t open up to my family, and I kept telling them that it was my mental health that was the problem. It absolutely was, but it was fueled by drinking that they didn’t fully know about. I also tried my hardest to keep up appearances. I was nearly failing high school, but weaseled my way into a very small private college for the next year. I wasn’t completely on board with that, but I wanted to do the minimum to show I was trying. I was 17 years old, completely numb, and tired of life.
My family really made me get help. I was only 17, still living with them. I called my mom for the 100th time one night, crying and drunk, so she came and picked me up from where I was. She was incredibly angry, and I could tell she had been through enough. I remember that moment clearly, because I was incredibly ashamed too. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but it was agreed between my family and I that I needed help, immediately. I was supposed to graduate high school in five or six months at this point, and by the way II was acting, I wasn’t going to.
My family was so incredibly supportive during this time, trying to find a program that would work for me. They didn’t want them to send me off before I got my diploma, which annoyed me at first, because I just wanted the help NOW. We chose a wilderness therapy program for me to go to. I had to have some really awkward and embarrassing conversations with my teachers, basically begging them to let me graduate early so I could get help. They agreed, and I scraped by with a high school diploma. I left on the 1st of May and didn’t go to graduation. My first (and what we thought was the only) program I went to was in Wisconsin. Halfway through that program, about two months, the staff there decided I needed more alcohol and drug based help, so I went straight to a legit rehab in Minnesota. I was in treatment for a total of around 100 days. When I came home, I had to go to that tiny college I had been accepted to. My first night there, I relapsed. They picked me up a few days later, and I’ve been sober since 🙂
The biggest lesson I learned is BE HONEST, and believe in yourself. Reach out to those you love when you’re feeling low. It’s okay to ask for help. I didn’t ask for help because of a mixture of pride and shame, but that’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Also, don’t doubt yourself. Everyone is more capable than what they believe.
My life is crazy, but in a very, very good way. I never thought I’d be here. After going to a community college for a couple semesters, I transferred to and attend the second largest university in the country. I have a 3.8 GPA, even though I graduated high school with a 2.4. I love my classes, I have amazing roommates and friends, it’s great. I’ve been sober over two years now, and so much has changed. My family and I have a great relationship, my friends who stuck by me and are incredibly proud. I’m the happiest I’ve been. I really didn’t think I’d be alive to see 20 or 21, let alone have this kind of life. I truly believe anything is possible!
Being young and sober is OK! I’m pretty young to be in recovery, and sometimes it is difficult to find people like me who are my age. But that doesn’t make it any less important! Everyone’s recovery is different. Also, don’t ever give up, on your dreams or anything. Do not give up on anything that’s important to you! Anything is possible!