You’ve Got to Have Friends
Every day I wake up sober and I acknowledge that I am a very lucky guy. I am a responsible, contributing member of society. I have a home, job, car, two hairless dogs, and friends. The most important thing on that list is my friends. Being a recovering addict, I am lucky enough to have three kinds of friends: Friends in recovery, friends who experienced me at my worst, and those who I have had to leave behind. In this blog I will refer to them as “other friends,” “recovery friends,” and “former friends.” Not of the three sets of friends are any better than the other. I loved and valued each one in their own special way. However, our relationships differ on so many levels. I hope the friends that I have who read this blog will understand how each of you contributed to the person I have become today and where you fit in the dynamics of our friendship.
My “other friends” are lifelong friends. They are friends who I grew up with, went to college with, survived the 80’s, 90’s, and the 2000’s with. My “other friends” are those kinds of people who baffle addicts like me. They can have a drink with dinner or at a social outing and put it down. They have that switch in their brain that knows when enough is enough. Those friends were the ones that saw that train barreling down the track and did not know how to stop it. They had no idea that there was nothing they could do. They are the ones that secretly blame themselves for standing by me and not taking action. They were the ones who provided a safe ride home and were the ones that filled in the blanks of the night before because I had blacked out. They are the ones I lashed out on when they confronted me about my actions and behavior. They were the ones who did not give up on me when I was unbearable to be around. They were the ones who kept coming back when I avoided them and shut them out of my life. They were the ones who stood behind me as I went to treatment and got sober. They were the ones who tiptoed around me when I returned home, wondering how long it would last and what they could have done to prevent my misfortune. They are the ones who ask themselves, “How come I did not see this coming?” They are the ones who praise me and pat me on the back, but are secretly scared about my future. They are the ones that can still drink socially, but avoid and don’t include me when they attend events where alcohol is available. They cringe and avoid eye contact when I talk about my past. They try to understand the best they know how. They were a part of me and my colored past and still stand by me as I face my bright future. They love me unconditionally with all my flaws. They are there for me at all times. They are true friends.
My friends in recovery and myself share a totally different kind of relationship. They know the recovering Bo. They know the clear eyed, non-slurred speech of a person who is serious about sobriety. I am like these friends because we all share the same past. We share the shame, secrets, and dishonesty. Although we did not experience it together, we have that understanding. I can look in their eyes and see the hurt of the past, but the beautiful thing I can also see is the hope of the future. There is nothing that I share about my past that is judged. We share laughter about the absurdity of our actions of the past. We share the understanding that we are the only ones responsible for our actions and our sobriety. We mourn those who go back out and rejoice in those that choose sobriety as their way of life. We have that common denominator that runs through all addicts. Our relationships keep us sober. We are only as sick as our secrets. We fight for our survival and peace of mind. We are battling for our lives. We are responsible for our own future. We are true friends.
My “former friends” are just that. They are the friends I have had to distance myself from and leave behind during my recovery. Our relationship was codependent. Our relationship was detrimental to the both of us. Our relationship had no boundaries. Our relationship was fueled by drugs and alcohol. I have already mourned the loss of our friendship. I will keep the door cracked open if you find yourself with the need for help and hope of a better future. Until then, I have to close the door and walk away from the relationship and walk towards my sobriety.
The dynamics of our friendships each share a core value that each individual needs to survive. Every human being has a desire to bond with other humans. During my sobriety, I have been open to everyone in my life about my recovery. It is a huge part of my daily life. I know that by choosing recovery, I have become a better friend. I hope that by sharing my life and my stories with others that I can take away the shame and stigma that is closely associated with addiction. My openness about my struggle has been amazingly positive. I owe that to all of my friends, regardless which category you belong. Each and every one of my friends give me the strength to move forward to lead a more healthy and productive life. For that, I am grateful.
Please feel free to share my blog and please leave a comment! If you would like to share your story there are two ways to do it:
- You can reach me on Facebook at Bo Brown (Nashville, TN)
- Hit the “Share Yours” button on the heroesinrecovery.com page and tell them Bo sent you!
When you share your story, you can inspire others to break the stigma associated with substance abuse and mental health issues.
Much Love,
Bo