- Drugs
- Faith
- Friends & Family
My rock bottom was unfortunately much further down than most will ever have to experience. My story started as I was born in California and my father died when I was just a few months old. My mother and stepfather also passed on, drowning in the C canal several years later, effectively orphaning my sisters and I. My young life was anything but easy. I endured abuse, group homes, state facilities and life on the run. Predictably I turned to self-medicating and abused alcohol and cocaine very regularly. By age 18, I became pregnant with my daughter. I finally had a reason for being. I turned my life completely around. Life finally had purpose, I wasn’t alone. I worked hard, attended school and went on to have a second child, a son. The three of us were very close. I worked my way up to eventually earning a salary strong six-figure salary per year. We had a good life filled with family vacations (ex: Bahamas, Disney World) and we loved and were very loyal to each other. They were my everything. I had become involved with a blast from my past with some dirty laundry who had turned the corner in his life, so I believed. He brought with him turmoil and angst I was ill prepared to handle, especially dealing with a blossoming teenager. One night I fell down my stairs and injured my back. I was eventually given opiates to cope with the pain. This began a destructive love affair of epic proportions. Eventually I became quite addicted and after being laid off in a mass lay off and facing an impending foreclosure, we began to write our own prescriptions. After doing this for many months, I was eventually caught and went to jail for the first time in my life. By this time my daughter was nearly 20 and my son 17. I thought it best he go with his father to California to avoid the stress I had created. They had always experienced a strong and dedicated mother. It broke me knowing I had failed them so horribly. I detoxed a miserable cold turkey in jail from a 40-pill-a-day habit. It took almost a month for the sweats, vomiting and diarrhea to give way to hallucinations and restless sleep. By my seventh month in jail, I was finally starting to feel well.
During my seventh month in jail, I was made aware that my now 20 year old daughter had become quickly and very seriously addicted to opiates herself. This was incredibly painful and scary and confusing for me. She had always admonished and hated my pill use, how was it that she was now doing the same? Her brother had left. Her fiancé had taken a government contractor job in England and her mother , who had over-protected her all of her life, suddenly pulled the rug from under her world as I fell apart and now was in jail and unable to do anything. She was enduring incredible pressure on many fronts and spiraled quickly. She had graduated to shooting up. My last conversation with her was a few days before her death. I was heartbroken and panicked calling everyone I could to get her help. I knew the last time I spoke to her that she would die. She did. My daughter overdosed on Saturday, October 15th, 2011. She was not provided help soon enough for selfish reasons of those with her. She was resuscitated but the length of time she went oxygen deprived left her brain-dead . She was resuscitated 6 additional times through the night. Her once beautiful face was bloated, her body bleeding from the force used to revive her. It was too much and she passed on October 16th, 2011. I never made it to the jail.
I was destroyed. Numb and ready to kill myself. Something happened . My son had flown back from California for the funeral. I saw his face and I knew I had to try to go on … for both of them. After release from jail and struggling with menial work and small minded people, insensitive to my pain, I found strength and courage I thought I’d lost. The details are far too many to get into but one day, a couple of FBI agents visited regarding death investigations, my daughter’s being one. As we talked I was more transparent and raw than ever in life. I no longer cared. Eventually they asked if I would participate in a documentary they wanted to put together on opiate addiction. I hesitantly agreed. Three years ago I did the interview. Yet I was still in a very numb state. The documentary was finally released to the public February 5, 2016. It’s titled, “Chasing the Dragon” and it’s available on YouTube and the FBI site. I’ve also participated in a podcast by the website, addictionunscripted.com, podcast titled, “How to Save a Life. ” It’s the story of Kirstyn, my daughter. It’s told with the intent to beat the stigma attached to addiction. What does an addict look like? She was a beautiful soul, inside and out. She was sweet, funny and kind. She loved animals more than people.
As I reflected on everything, knowing that I would’ve killed myself the day she died if I had been out, I’ve come go some level of acceptance. I have also realized…she saved my life the day she was born. I was powerless to save her life. I have to live with that. My children then saved my life once again. How would I honor that?
I chose to advocate for the addicted that are too weak to advocate for themselves. Today I am working on several things. The documentary will be going into schools nationally as a drug education imitative. I’m writing a book. I’m engaged in podcasts. I encourage addicted youth and parents of those lost to addiction nearly every day. I am looking to get my counseling certification.
I unseated something after losing almost everything. A life lived just for yourself is a life of pain. When you live to give back, your pain is easier to manage…someone ALWAYS has it worse. I have my health, my strength, her voice and my children’s spirit motivating me to never give up on life again. No matter how old you or your children are, you never stop setting that example…so don’t give up. I look forward to giving of myself as freely as my daughter showed me in life AND death…that we should. We know we will see her again. Until then…no time to waste.