- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Faith
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
Today Tina is very proud of two things: her sobriety and that she has a grandbaby in her life. But her life does not rotate just around the two. She works part time, is back in school, has many friends, a car, a home and fun in life. While this may sound normal to those who are not personally affected by the disease of addiction it is a major step for an addict to get to this place again in recovery. Tina honors it and is full of gratitude every day. It is a blessing for Tina to be a part of her granddaughter’s life. She is looking forward to see her growing up and making memories with her and the child’s parents. Alcohol and drugs used to keep her in a constant haze and dominated a large part of her life.
Tina’s sobriety date is August 4, 2012. It is not her first time around to get sober. There were a lot of things that led to her to choice of putting the bottle and drugs down for good. Her first introduction to any 12-step fellowship was in 2005 and she got sober in 2006. She maintained quite some time of sobriety, and relapsed in 2010. Looking back, recognizes that that she first quit praying, then she stopped going to meetings and then stopped talking to her sponsor. Consequently, she relapsed.
What landed her in jail was crack cocaine. She was charged and prosecuted without the option to enter drug court. She now has the burden of a felony to carry around. Her relapse in 2010 wasn’t with crack cocaine. Instead, she started drinking and took pills, opiates and benzodiazepines. At the time she had her own business, successfully running a beauty shop. However, her customers started to drop off because she was often high and drunk on the job. She took a job at a company to earn the money she needed so badly for her living, until one day her bank account was frozen by a credit card company. She had used this card to buy drugs and never paid it. This brought her to a low point emotionally. Tina says, “I didn’t want to wake up anymore. I wanted to take enough pills and just not wake up. It would have been okay. I did not want to kill myself, that would have been wrong. That’s what I was thinking at this time.”
Tina had prescriptions from a doctor for muscle relaxers, anti depressants and medication that helped her focus. For three days she took a significant amount of all of them and then went to work. Her boss told her that she should go and get help. She ended up in the hospital with hallucinations and hearing voices. She kept crying and didn’t know how to answer any of the questions she was asked. She was in a bad psychosis for a while. Looking back, it surprises her that she is ok today.
As a result of this she came on disability and lost her house, lived with a friend, but was too ashamed to go back to the same 12-step fellowship that helped her to get clean and sober years ago. She knew that she would find the answer to her problems there, but couldn’t go and admit her defeat. She went to a similar fellowship instead, hoping she wouldn’t know anyone. Some recognized her, but nobody asked any questions and she kept going. One day she was asked to attend a women’s meeting with a friend at the other place. She finally went back to the place that helped her before. She finally accepted the defeat and the powerlessness she has over drugs and alcohol and picked up a newcomer chip that day. She never had a problem admitting that she was an alcoholic or addict. Her problem was admitting her powerlessness over the substance. She was holding onto the control idea.
Tina has been married four times and drugs or alcohol were involved in every single one of them. Today she feels good living and providing for herself and pursuing her education goals.
She did not have a lot of love while growing up and was a sad child. She had a non-caring mother and an violent, alcoholic father. As the oldest child she was had a lot of responsibilities at an early age. As an adult she misinterpreted humor, fun and a good time with a man as being love. Tina says, “Laughing was a good feeling. I didn’t laugh a lot as a kid and when a guy gave this to me I wanted more of it.” Today she has learned that real joy comes from within and she is truly happy for the first time. Tina adds, “I have learned to identify with myself and to love myself. I didn’t know what love was until I found God and today I get my satisfaction in life from myself and not from others.”