- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
The situation that started the change for in my life was a business failure in the summer of 2008 I had a sinking feeling that what was left of my twenty-year marriage was hanging by a thread. That summer I went to Phoenix to live and work with a friend. Together we partnered with another friend and began a new business. Despite the pressure, my resolve was strong and the business did very well; things were looking up. We quickly grew to employing more than a hundred people and did well over a million dollars in revenue within seven months. I was making more money than I had ever made before and my self-esteem, shattered from previous business failures, was slowly being put back together.
However, we did so well that we unfortunately caught the attention of a corporate raider who, from the inside out, was able to destroy everything we built. In one day we went from making millions to making absolutely nothing… you can guess what happened to my self-esteem… I went back home to my family feeling like a failure, but I was more determined than ever to overcome the loss so I started yet another business. This business also did well. However, right before an investor was to write a check for five-hundred-thousand dollars for a first round of funding, a programmer from San Francisco, who was sent to vet the deal, decided he wanted the company, told the investor to get lost and in the process destroyed everything I had built.
Once again, I was left with nothing. To make matters even worse, in between these business losses, my then wife—whom I was working so hard for—decides she needs time and space to herself. This time and space becomes permanent. After the divorce and the business loss, I have nothing left, again. I’ve lost everything, including my identity. At this point in my journey I do not know who I am. My Ego-self is the only sense of self that I’m left with. This false self was comprised of what I did, what I had, and what other people thought of me and since I was no longer doing anything, since I no longer had anything, and since my wife no longer thought of me as a capable spouse, my sense of self was non-existent. I had been a father, a husband, and a provider, for over twenty years—all of that went away in one day.
I found myself alone—I did not do alone very well. I begin drinking as much alcohol as I could and taking Xanax—and anything else I needed to take—to get through the day. I took sleeping pills in hopes of staying asleep through the night. My wife ends up renting two rooms from, and also finds comfort in the arms of a family friend. Thoughts of her with someone else created excruciating emotional pain. No amount of drugs or alcohol kept the nightmares away. No amount of drugs or alcohol kept my reality away. I had to get out of town. I explained to my daughters, ages 20 and 14 at the time, that I can no longer bear what is happening, that I would be leaving but I would be back.
I packed up what I could fit in my car and left for my hometown in East Texas, leaving everything behind. A friend from high school puts me up in an apartment; I am there for seven weeks but I told nobody I was in town and spent my time alone in a one-bedroom apartment, reading books, crying, and wondering, “what am I living for and what is in store for me next?” However, I quickly realized that I cannot function without my daughters and that my hometown is not where I need to be.
I flew back to California and rented a room from a nice lady in Agoura Hills, the town where I’ve been living and raising my daughters for years. Within a short time, I network with the locals and slowly began putting my life back together. I started an online radio show in hopes of selling internet advertising and begin to interview entrepreneurs, local business owners, artists, and non-profit organization founders.
It’s apparent to me today, that at that point in time, I had not learned the lessons God was trying to teach me so I could know my true self.
Here’s why: one day I connected with the founder of an organization that I planned to interview. She was drop dead gorgeous and after having spoken on the phone for a week, we met for lunch. The energy was unbelievable but in an attempt to do the right thing, I explain to her that I had recently gotten a divorce after twenty-three years of marriage, that I had terrible credit, that I had no assets and that I had no trust for women. Needless to say, this was not enough to stifle our connection. The connection felt like Heaven on Earth. But, I think I knew in my gut that I wasn’t ready for it. So just as I could not say no, when we met, I could not say no to moving in with her, and I could definitely not say no when the subject of marriage came up. Although I loved her dearly, and I felt I needed her love desperately, I knew that my head and my heart were still a mess… but I proceeded anyway.
You see, my learned false truth was that I needed the validation I received from pleasing beautiful women. As soon as I felt I could not meet their needs, I would begin feeling jealous, undesirable, insecure, unworthy, and my self-esteem would deteriorate. After the ‘falling in love’ had started to wear off, and we tried our best to respond to circumstances and life, our relationship eventually began to unravel. The heaven we had created slowly became a living hell. Anxiety, stress, worry, and fear took hold of the relationship. It was a sad mess. When I didn’t see any light at the end of this tunnel, I fell into—what I now understand to be lifelong—heartache and once more began numbing my feelings and emotions. This time it was with prescription medications. I kept this activity to myself as I worried that if she found out, ‘us’ would be destroyed. I am very remorseful about the part I played in the destruction of the relationship and I would not change a thing that happened, because I now know it was all part of the plan. She was an angel sent to introduce me to my True Self. I can only speak for myself but as I got to know more about my true, higher self, and began to identify with my Ego less and less, I realized that the miracle of our time together was all part of the plan to teach me things about myself that I had never learned up to that point. She held a mirror up to my flaws. The lessons that I received as a result of the relationship were some of the most transformational lessons of my life.
On June 8th, 2015 my second wife asked me if I had been taking prescription and other medications and I admitted that I had. Shortly after that, we separated. It was horrible but I remember coming to the conclusion that if I was willing to risk what, at the time, was the most important thing in my world by keeping this from her…. I had a big problem.
I met with a friend who was 5 years sober at the time and began going to meetings the same day. I realized through working the 12 steps and reading about a book per week on the human condition that I could rebuild my brain and uncover what was really going on.
We must get still and quiet. We must learn to live in the moment and not allow our EGO to control our thoughts and decision making processes. I actually have so much lesson sharing and feel responsible to share it that I wrote a book.
I had no idea when I wrote the book that part of my purpose was to get the book in the hands of others in early recovery through rehab and sober living facilities but that is what is happening now. My sponsor, who is Yoga Teacher in recovery in Malibu for 5 years now suggested that everything that I went through while in early recovery and subsequently wrote about could help others get a grasp on what they should be doing even faster. We must learn to breathe and understand that we are all worthy, valuable, and amazing, just as we are. We must unlearn everything that we’ve taken on as limiting belief systems that doesn’t serve us any longer.
Today I have peace of mind. I am in the best shape of my entire life, in all areas. I have healthy new habits and I am in balance instead of out of control. My life is just perfect the way it is and I have true joy. Everything is different today, nothing is the same. I go to sleep and wake up content and at peace.
Thank God.