- Drugs
Submitted By Wendy Lee Nentwig, Heroes interviewer
Pain and loss may have led to Sidney’s substance abuse, but they also led her to seek help. Today, she’s a Heroes In Recovery Advocate in Memphis, Tenn., helping others to tell their stories of overcoming addiction. Just a few short years ago she couldn’t have imagined that she’d end up here. Sidney had been using prescription drugs for 17 years when she entered La Paloma Treatment Center in Memphis and began to unravel the tangled tale that had led her there.
Sidney began using to escape from the pain of her risky, frightening childhood. As a result of her own experiences, Sidney couldn’t stand to see children in pain. As her own children grew and faced hurts of their own, it brought back painful memories that were just too much to bear sober. Initially, she drank and smoked some pot to dull the pain, but her substance use was manageable. Eventually, she moved on to harder drugs, and in the beginning they worked to help her numb the past as well as any fresh pain. The pills started out as Sidney’s coping mechanism, but soon she was physically dependent as well. She would get up every morning and take 120 grams of Lortab with her coffee. Every penny she made and more was spent on drugs. Her job in the medical field also helped her develop quite a network for getting pills. “My solution to everything was to medicate,” she recalls. “That was my automatic reaction, my solution to any problem.”
Throughout adulthood, Sidney experienced new hurts. Of her four children, one died in infancy and another daughter’s teen pregnancy left her with a fifth child to raise. She managed to muddle through, even holding down a job throughout, and her husband was supportive and loving; but the death of her adult daughter started a series of events that would finally lead her to treatment. In October 2009, one of Sidney’s daughters died suddenly, leaving behind an eight-year-old son. She tried to keep it together, if only for the sake of her grandson. She even quit work to be there for him. But she quickly realized she couldn’t take care of him and maintain her addiction. Worse yet, there wasn’t enough medication in the world to take away the pain she was feeling over the loss of her daughter. Eventually she called her middle daughter and said, “I can’t take care of him.” As her grandson was led out of the house, Sidney was heartbroken, especially when the little boy looked back at his sick grandmother and asked, “Is my Bubbie going to die too?”
She knew then it was time to get help.
Even though she was motivated to make changes, the years of substance abuse left her numb even after the medications were out of her system. Sidney found she couldn’t read anything and comprehend it. She couldn’t really eat either. So she started small, praying each morning that she would be able to eat enough a food to get well. Near the end of treatment, Sidney had a breakthrough when she finally realized that she was worth saving. “I never felt like I meant anything to anyone as a child and that continues,” she says. “But I’m worthy of caring for. It’s okay to care for myself.” She had a husband at home who cared about her too, but his well-intentioned desire to never see her hurt or sick had led him to enable her addiction over the years. “He was wonderful, but his love probably prolonged my addiction,” she admits now. Sadly, they would only have a few years together post-treatment before Sidney would face another heartbreaking loss. Her husband, who had Crohn’s Disease, died in August 2011, just weeks after retiring.
There were other challenges that would test her newfound sobriety too. Sidney followed up treatment with an Intensive Outpatient Program, and there she befriended a man who she thought was working on his recovery as well. She didn’t realize it at the time, but he was still using heroin. Watching his struggle through relapse and providing support through the process allowed Sidney to see addiction from the other side. He’s sober now, and they’re still friends today, but that first taste of helping someone else may have sown the seeds for her current work with Heroes in Recovery. That doesn’t mean her own recovery is a done deal. While Sidney says she doesn’t really struggle with thoughts of returning to drugs, she has had a lot of trouble with emotional sobriety. It turns out that getting clean was just the start. Once the drugs were out of her system, she needed to work on being emotionally healthy.
Today, her whole family dynamic has changed for the better, and Sidney couldn’t be more proud. It’s a feeling she loves to see in others as well. As a Heroes In Recovery advocate, she spreads the word about the Heroes program and hosts regional events. The goal is to remove the stigma of addiction, and word is getting out. And what’s the message she hopes they hear loud and clear? “Recovery is hard, but nothing is as hard as maintaining the life of a drug addict.”