- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
I have been in recovery on and off for the last four years. I finally picked up my first one-year coin on November 16, 2016. It’s the first time I made it a full year; I finally got there. I mainly used alcohol during my active addiction, but I also abused methamphetamine and other drugs at times.
I started drinking at the age of 13. I was actually expelled from junior high school (middle school) because I was drinking on the school bus before school. There were five of us drinking, and we got caught. One female got in real trouble, because she carried the empty bottles with her in her backpack in class and somebody saw them. She was ordered to the principal’s office and soon we all got called in. She was taken away by the police; the rest of us were just expelled. It was all crazy, looking back.
The four years I spent trying to get sober were hard for me. I was always sober for a few months and then I would be back out drinking. The last time I was back out drinking was in November and it was getting near the Christmas season. Some people were driving around, giving the homeless some money. I was homeless at that time, walking around with my belongings in a couple bags, and they gave me $20.
Originally, I had the thought in my head to go straight to the convenience store to buy more alcohol, but something did guide me to the bus station and I bought a bus pass with that money, which brought me back to the treatment center that I knew. I was ready for a new chance. It was an internal war in me, but I’m glad I went the right direction. After about a week of stay, the hard work began again: to stay sober.
I relapsed many times. It was always as if I welcomed a long-lost friend that always ruined my life. It was familiar. You know what this friend will do to you, yet you welcome him back anyway. It gets more embarrassing every time– the shame and guilt gets bigger and bigger.
The good part is that the facility always welcomed me back with open arms. They gave me a hug and asked me, “Do you need anything? Some clothes? Some hygiene products?” I’m so thankful for that treatment center and halfway house in Phoenix. I will always be thankful for what they have done for me over the years. People come from the streets– dirty, holes in their clothes, rips in their shoes, hungry– and they offer a place to stay, food, clothes, coffee, and most importantly… a family. They help get you back on your feet and then you try to give back.
I have been homeless off and on for two of the last four years. Some of the time I was couch-surfing, some of the time I had no place to stay. I used to have a job, but it’s very difficult to keep a job if you are sleeping on the bench at the bus station in your work clothes. It’s very embarrassing.
I’m the youngest of three siblings and my family lives in Arizona. It was not that my family wasn’t willing to help me. Whenever I have been in my personal addiction, whether it’s drugs or alcohol, I drop of the face of the planet and disappear. I don’t want any contact to my family during those time. I don’t want them to see me that way. It’s not that they are not there for me– it’s that I’m not there for them.
My family comes and visits me now that I am in sobriety at the halfway house every few weeks. I am glad to have a good connection with them today. This year, I will spend the first Christmas in the last four years with my family. It took me eight months of work to get a car, and fix it up so it will make the distance home. I will show up and surprise my mom and dad with a hug and kiss on Christmas. It’s going to be emotional, but it will be amazing.
I have always known that it is hard for family members to live through the addiction and alcoholism of a loved one; I knew that the way addiction makes people live is rough on loved ones. When you are in addiction, you don’t realize that they may be ashamed to reach out, embarrassed, or just angry, so you may just stay away. But you are their kid and they miss you.
I was raised by my stepfather. He understands; he is in recovery. He doesn’t hold it against me at all, but my mother is in a big state of fear all the time. She would not know if I overdosed, or if I had alcohol poisoning again. She stays in a constant worry and it breaks her heart. My biological father lives in Las Vegas– he was an addict as well. I know of him, but I don’t know him, I only met him three or four times in my life. My sisters seem to not have the addiction problem. They do drink at times and they are capable of making some bad decisions under the influence, but they can stop before it ruins their life, which makes me believe that we are different.
I’m learning a few trades right now and am learning to remodel homes. I’m the project coordinator in our facility. We renovate or remodel our properties– anything from tiling, framing, to painting. I’m grateful to have a position where I can learn so much on the job.
What people want to hear and what people need to hear are two completely different things. The biggest thing to remember is to walk through the gate of a facility that helps you get into recovery and commit yourself wholeheartedly. Most people come in with reservations in their mind.
My advice to readers is that there will be moments when you feel crazy and you think there is only one way and that way is to go back out. In those moments, you must tell yourself that it’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to feel depressed, irritable, angry, and/or anxious about your situation. The ability to avoid going back out and using is huge!
Most people expect to be happy all the time, but that’s not true, it’s not all sunshine and roses. Sometimes you have to say, “I’m not going to use.” When you feel terrible, you look bad, and you want to hit everybody you see, you have to tell yourself not to use. Later that day you will feel a sense of pride for not picking up in this bad situation. Just get through that bad moment.
If you can’t do it alone, ask for help. Some days you are not that shining example of positive attitude. some days you can’t help anyone in need. Some days you can only commit yourself not to use.
Through every relapse, I’ve learned more and more that I have to stop for the rest of my life. Relapse does not have to be part of my program anymore. Relapse means restart, and then start over again. Your worst day sober is always better than your best day high.