- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Mental Health
At the early age of 15, I learned the power of alcohol, having struggled with insecurities, the fear of failure and needing everyone’s approval. I found that alcohol significantly erased these fears or held them at bay while I was under the influence. My use of alcohol continued through high school and increased as well. By the time I was a senior, I had added marijuana, LSD and qualudes to the menu. Needless to say, I was a mess.
As I graduated and watched many friends prepare for the future and go off to college, I was smack dab in the middle of a deep, dark, depressing hole. My partying had played out and with the mind-scrambling chemicals adding fuel to the fire, I found myself completely lost and held hostage to multiple addictions. My family were all high achievers, educators, respected and loved in our southern community. My parents did the best to reach out to me, but it took a series of DUI’s, arrests, dropping out of college, etc., to finally get everyone’s attention that Jim had a problem.
So off to rehab I went at 21 years of age. Thirty days later, I came out with a depression/substance abuse diagnosis. Meds and meetings were my aftercare plan. Both of which I did not do. So it was back to the parties, concerts, drinking and drugging. You can guess what happened: four months later, it was back to rehab for me. This time, my higher power was working behind the scenes to bring new friends into my life who truly understood life, freedom, joy and purpose.
The second time I got out of treatment, I got connected to friends who understood me and were sober. I got into a spiritual community at my church and followed my aftercare plan. My sobriety was precious and almost effortless for many years. However, as life often goes, fear started creeping back in little by little through the need for approval, achievement, marriage problems, health problems, etc. In my early 30’s, I had a massive heart attack, I went through a separation two years later, I had a major job change—and you know what happened: I got depressed and relapsed back into very secretive binge drinking.
Alone, isolated and living a double life, I did what every good addict does: try to kill the pain, escape, hide, isolate, run. This time, I experienced a new deep, dark, depression like never before. The escape never lasted, so I began to share my struggle with friends in my spiritual community and would experience some brief months of sobriety.
Finally, after a few years of punctuated sobriety, I decided to give recovery a try again. This time I was ready to admit who I was and allow others who had the same problem to share their experience, strength and hope. This is how I finally turned a corner. Now having had a sponsor/mentor/guide and working the steps, I am beginning to accept all of me. In my brokenness I find grace, healing, acceptance and freedom. I enjoy it one day at a time. Thanks for letting me share.